tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-61739337136361217832024-03-13T20:12:51.593-07:00Live the Life You LoveAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13728822389356356770noreply@blogger.comBlogger33125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6173933713636121783.post-10833331379046267042017-08-23T19:25:00.000-07:002017-08-23T19:25:19.372-07:00your morning cup of moJOI don't know about you --- but, I feel like I blinked and the summer flashed before my eyes. If you're like me, you may be welcoming the routine back to everyone's daily grind. 🙋<br />
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Life with children keeps things interesting. Especially in the mornings (and evenings). Well, anytime in general. :) One of my favorite parts of my mornings is when our 2.5 year old wakes up and exclaims 'good morning!' He then insists on singing 'you are my sunshine' at the top of his lungs and giving hugs and kisses to 'his babies' --- as he likes to call them. It honestly is the best way to start the day. Full of smiles and happiness.<br />
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Through the hustle of the morning, it's easy to lose sight of these special moments, memories in the making if you will. It's so easy to just go through the motions and not allow yourself to take it all in.<br />
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Go mode.<br />
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Raising four kids under 5, we've quickly found some things that help our mornings run a little smoother, so that we can enjoy the little things and not feel so rushed or frustrated in the mornings. Don't get me wrong-- we all have our moments, but if the good outweighs the sometimes overwhelming moments, that is what matters, right?<br />
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1. Lay out your clothes and your kids' clothes the night before.<br />
Not sure about you, but I have a 5 year old that thinks she's 15 and insists on being the best dressed child in her class. We spend A LOT of time preparing her outfit for the day --- accessories and all. This really helps eliminate unnecessary stress. I know that when I ask her to get dressed for the day, there will be no arguments or time spent deciding, because we've already spent that time together the night before. Not to mention, having my own clothes out, makes things go quicker. Even Preston enjoys picking his clothes out and surprising us by dressing himself.<br />
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2. Shower the night before.<br />
I used to say that I could't wake up in the mornings if I didn't take a shower. THAT was before I had four kids and had to get out the door in the mornings to drop off at three different locations. Now, I find that if I shower at night, I'm able to get around much quicker and it just makes me feel more prepared in the mornings.<br />
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3. Meal prep!<br />
I like to spend my weekends preparing our meals for the week. This could be as simple as writing down your menu for the week. OR, take it a step further and make up a few menu items. I like to prepare my overnight oats for the week so that all I have to do is grab it out of the fridge for breakfast in the mornings. I also like to make a "sheet pan" meal that can be divided up for lunches for the week. This makes it super easy for me to grab and go, and prevents eating out.<br />
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I'll blog a little more later about more details on meal prep.<br />
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4. Pack your bags.<br />
Lunch? Laptop? Kids homework? Forms need signed? Pack it all up the night before. Don't wait for the morning. By preparing yourself for the upcoming day, you're setting yourself up for a calm, stress-free morning. I pack up everyone's bags and have them easily accessible to grab by the garage door (or in the fridge). Then as I am walking out the door, I grab and go!<br />
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5. Wake up before your kids.<br />
With littles this can be easier said than done sometimes. However, getting a jump start on the day before little hands and feet are up helps.so.much! Sometimes I treat my mornings like a checklist--- how much can I get done before the kids wake up?! Makeup✔ Teeth Brushed✔ Hair ✔✔✔<br />
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A common theme resonates with all of these.<br />
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Be prepared.<br />
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By spending a little extra time prep time in the evenings getting things ready, your mornings end up being stress-free and enjoyable. Maybe, just maybe, you'll have a few extra minutes to sit and enjoy a cup of (mo)jo and watch your kids play before the day gets going. After all, isn't that how we all want to start our day?Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13728822389356356770noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6173933713636121783.post-39955594929262219062017-08-21T18:44:00.001-07:002017-08-21T18:44:20.023-07:00F O U R tips to make your travel run smooth(er)<div class="MsoNormal">
I have this conversation with my mom almost daily. Life is
backwards.<o:p></o:p></div>
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We should really be retired from about 30-50 years of age.
While we’re raising our kids. Sometimes, missing milestones we would rather be
in person for, as opposed to getting a picture or video on our phone of our
sweet littles; taking their first step, being cute, or ornery. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Fortunately, or unfortunately --- it’s 2017. And that just
isn’t always possible. I’d love to be a stay-at-home mom. However, I do enjoy
working, and the hubby says I need a job too. :) <o:p></o:p></div>
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I’m fortunate to have had a job that allows me to work from
home. However, I find myself hopping on a plane every month. As a mom, this
could be stressful for some. So today, I’m giving you my top F O U R tips to make
your travel experience run smooth. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><i>1 1. Shower the night before.</i><br />
Waking up bright and early for a 6:30 AM flight is hard enough. I literally
shave about 25 minutes off my “getting ready” routine in the morning by doing
this. Sleep or shower, wash and dry your hair? I choose sleep. I also lay out my clothes that I plan to wear for the day, as well as my makeup --- making everything easily accessible. If possible, have your suitcase in your car and your laptop bag on the kitchen counter, ready to grab on your way out the door. Anyway you can prepare in advance makes your morning run smoother!</div>
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<span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><i> 2. Find the family restroom.</i></span></div>
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Are you a pumping momma? Find the family
restroom. Most airports, unfortunately, do not have special pumping rooms. And
those that do, are typically located on the complete opposite end of the
airport that I need to be on. Tip – find the family restroom. You can use the
changing table to set yourself up, plug your pump/phone, etc. in and it’s
typically MUCH cleaner than the floor of a public restroom.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><i>3. Travel light. </i></span></div>
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<span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">I don’t know about you, but when I get back from wherever I’ve gone, I am just
READY to be home. Like, now. Who has time, or wants to spend the time waiting
at baggage claim? I swear it adds another 30 minutes to my time from getting
home. Master packing exactly what you need, so a carry on is sufficient to your
travel. Then, you’re walking off your plane and getting to your car in no
time!</span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">-- some tips to travel light?
Rewear pants and shoes! This really cuts down on what you need to pack! A lot
of times I will only bring the shoes that are on my feet!</span></div>
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<span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><i>4. What happens with dad stays with dad.</i></span></div>
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I’ve learned that things always go smoothly
when I just live and let go. Sometimes, that means the kids may be eating a
Happy Meal (or two) while I’m away. You know what? That’s perfectly fine. As
long as the kids are safe and happy, THAT is all that matters. In the end, when
I let dad do things the way he naturally would, everything seems to run
SO.MUCH.BETTER! Although my super type-A self would love to be in control of
every situation, I do smile at the fact that my husband is fully capable and
totally rocks Mr. Mom from time to time. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Remember, at the end of the day, you're not in this alone. Whether you're a working momma, a work-from home momma or a stay-at-home momma --- we all at some point or another have to travel from time to time. Relax, and enjoy. Things like FaceTime and camera phones make the time away go faster and a little easier!</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13728822389356356770noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6173933713636121783.post-683399766403073482017-04-28T14:20:00.000-07:002017-04-28T14:20:13.829-07:00Perfectly Perfect<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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So I'm going to let you in on a little secret, Nick and I are super OCD. For those of you that know us, you're probably laughing, saying, yeahhhhh we know that! No joke! </div>
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When Nick and I learned of Hudson's limb difference last fall, it totally rocked our world. The news completely came out of left field and we definitely were not expecting anything but a completely healthy pregnancy and healthy children. Our 16 week ultrasound would <i>confirm</i> our hopes and just a short three weeks later we would be thrown for a loop. </div>
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Worry.</div>
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That's what the next 18 weeks would consist of. Lots and lots of worry. </div>
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What if something <b>else</b> was wrong?</div>
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Could they be wrong with Baby B's diagnosis?</div>
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So many questions, thoughts and feelings swarmed our minds from the time Hudson was <i>diagnosed</i> until he was born. </div>
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I can't even begin to tell you just how bad my anxiety was the remainder of my pregnancy. And I would be lying if I didn't say I felt robbed of my pregnancy. I really enjoy being pregnant. Being our final pregnancy, I wanted to enjoy every single second. Every move, kick, sleepless night. I wanted it ALL. I definitely did my best to enjoy it, but I was downright exhausted and this pregnancy definitely took a toll on me emotionally. I've always wanted to be a twin momma, and I constantly worried that this opportunity was going to be taken from me. Again. </div>
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January 24th was seriously a day that I know God and Peyton sat on each side of me, as we brought two beautiful Angels on Earth, into this world. At that instant, I knew that everything, and I mean everything, would be okay. Seeing Hayden and Hudson, I was overcome with emotion and found myself speechless. They were simply perfect. </div>
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Perfectly perfect. </div>
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All of the worry, tears and sleepless nights -- they were completely worth it. Because guess what, it's JUST AN ARM!! Nick and I have been through SO much worse. And, despite our OCD tendencies and longing for perfection, Hudson has given us a knew perspective and definition of perfection. </div>
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Hudson has been diagnosed with <i>right below elbow amputation </i>or <i>R UE congenital limb.</i></div>
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What does this mean? Hudson's right arm simply stopped forming a little past his elbow. He has five small fingers that will remain small. He has both bones that would typically grow in your arm, but they do not have the growth plate to make them grow. His upper arm is the same length as it is on his left side. This is not something that is hereditary. To our knowledge, we have no limb differences in either of our families. And, this is not amniotic banding. It cannot be explained why Hudson's arm formed the way it did. A fluke. </div>
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And that's basically it. He will grow up simply knowing no different. And I have no doubt whatsoever that he will thrive and do amazing things. </div>
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Are Nick and I worried about what other's will think/say about Hudson's arm? Simple answer. Yes. Of course we are. The world can be cruel and unfair. But life is unfair sometimes, and it's how we react to situations that matter most. If we all saw the world through the eyes of a child, I think there would be a lot less hurt and judgement. Hudson was over a month old before Kaylee even noticed his arm. ONE month people!! She's 4.5! And anyone that knows Kaylee, knows you don't get anything past her. One day, Kaylee came up to me and said, 'hey mom -- look at Hudson's arm! Why isn't my arm like that?' Nick and I explained to her that Hudson has a lucky arm and she quickly chimed in </div>
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'well yeah, because God makes us different. We don't want to be the same or we'd all be boring.' Goodness I love that girl. </div>
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We will continue to take Hudson to Children's Mercy for evaluation and physical and occupational therapy. He has the option of being fitted for a prosthetic at six months old. Nick and I aren't sure what our thoughts are on prosthetics and we are letting Hudson and prayer guide us to our decision.<br />
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The next chapter of our story has opened and I'm excited to take you all with us on our journey.<br />
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<span id="goog_3276598"></span><span id="goog_3276599"></span><br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13728822389356356770noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6173933713636121783.post-16307968463998579952017-04-28T12:42:00.000-07:002017-04-28T12:45:24.148-07:00#toppingtwinsparttwoHello there! It's been quite a while. A lot has happened over the past 13 weeks. The twins made their arrival and haven't missed a beat since then! Our family is truly complete, and we couldn't be more thankful or blessed to be living the life that we truly love.<br />
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January 24, 2017, Hayden Lane and Hudson Jay made their grand appearance via c-section. This is the first time that my OB has actually been able to deliver any of our children! The moment that Kaylee and Preston met their baby brothers is something that Nick and I will remember forever. Pure joy, excitement and happiness from them both and they couldn't have been any cuter hugging and kissing their brothers, welcoming them with open arms into our family.<br />
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Hayden Lane Topping</div>
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6 lbs. 9 oz. | 21 inches long</div>
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Hudson Jay Topping</div>
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5 lbs 12 oz. |19.75 inches long</div>
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We have settled in pretty nicely as a family of 6+ and it's hard to image life before the twins. We've managed to establish a pretty great routine and have lots of helping hands from our little helpers, Kaylee and Preston. Hayden and Hudson adore their older brother and sister and often greet them with smiles and coos. By eightish weeks old, they were sleeping through the night and developed a great napping schedule. </div>
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Thank you for all of the kind words, well wishes, meals, gifts and so much more the past several months. We are forever thankful, grateful and blessed to have such amazing family and friends. </div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13728822389356356770noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6173933713636121783.post-4140234344978753762016-10-05T14:35:00.006-07:002016-10-05T14:35:56.367-07:00God will carry youPrayer really works. Plain and simple.<br />
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3.5 weeks ago when we found out that one of the twins was missing his right arm, simply put, Nick and I were devastated. But, the troops rallied, dropped to their knees and began once again, praying for our family.<br />
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We are blessed.<br />
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We felt every prayer, read every note, and have appreciated every card, meal and gesture made towards us. Our hearts are truly full. Full of love, full of faith, and full of peace. Your prayers surrounded us in warmth and comforted us when we needed it the most.<br />
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The past few weeks have been a bit of a roller coaster. It may seem silly. We are just talking about an arm. However, worry can be toxic and really hurts our hearts at times.<br />
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Last week, we were finally able to get to Children's Mercy for a four-hour sonogram and consult with the team there. Let me just say this - Children's Mercy is amazing. And Alicia, our sonogram technician is phenomenal. We had her when we went there with Preston and Peyton and she seriously is just the best. Anyways--- the sonogram was very long. For a momma that is struggling with severe sciatic nerve pain, it was a little uncomfortable, but it's par for the course. The boys were literally spinning in circles while the sonogram was happening. Just to paint a picture --- Baby A, when we started the sono, was on my right side, head down. By the end of the sonogram, he was breach, still on my right side. Baby B, started out transverse to the right of Baby A. By the end, he was laying sideways across my stomach under my rib cage.<br />
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All of that being said, my point is, that these boys were giving our sonogram tech a run for her money. In the midst of scanning Baby B--- I thought I could see what would be his right arm. You read that right. Baby B looked like he had a right arm<br />
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! Trying not to be rude, I asked the sono tech if that was what I was seeing and she nonchalantly said yes and continued to scan. Then, it was like a light clicked on and she paused and said, wait--- which arm were you concerned about? I responded, saying we thought he didn't have a right arm. So - she changed gears and began to focus on that arm. We discovered that Baby B does have a fully developing upper right arm. His lower arm (the radius and ulna bones) are both there, however, they are measuring short. Think of about a third of your forearm. The sono tech was also able to see five finger bones. Yes--- you read that right too. Now, these bones are probably more fist like than anything, but this is SO much better than we had initially thought.<br />
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Baby A's sono went pretty well too. They found an echogenic focus on the left ventricle of his heart; however, there are no other indicators/signs for us to be concerned about that at this point. They will continue to monitor this over the coming weeks.<br />
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After the sonogram, we met with the team; a neonatologist, occupational therapist and geneticist. They all provided the same information, basically saying that we won't know if there is anything else wrong with Baby B until he is born. They also provided information on what to expect once Baby B is here, how he will naturally adjust, etc. (There are several syndromes that can come with a limb deficiency, however, we are not going to think about any of those until they can actually evaluate him upon arrival).<br />
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Late last week, we met with both our pediatrician and my OB. Let me also say how much I love my OB. Nick and I walked out of his office completely different people. We felt so at peace and confident with the future. (again- prayers are so powerful) I'm not sure if it's because we've been seeing him for seven years or just his presentation of information. He just had a way of making us feel empowered and at peace.<br />
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We are officially scheduled for a c-section delivery on January 24th. We will deliver at Shawnee Mission Medical Center.<br />
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At the end of the day, it IS just an arm. We are going to be one very happy family of six + 1 very special angel who just so happens to keep reminding us to keep the faith. Throughout all of this, we've cried, screamed and laughed until we cried. What we've discovered is just how important our faith is. And also, just how important we are to each other.<br />
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Hebrews 4:16<br />
"Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in the time of need."<br />
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Thank you all for showing us grace and providing us the strength we need to continue our journey.<br />
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Our story isn't over yet. <br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13728822389356356770noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6173933713636121783.post-6908783619298363412016-09-13T14:38:00.001-07:002016-09-13T14:38:43.499-07:00My journey hasn't been easy, but I'm still...<i>"My journey hasn't been easy, but I'm still... standing, laughing, forgiving, loving, learning & living. I'm perfectly imperfect."</i><br />
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We all have a plan in life. One, that, although I would love to have control over, I do not. Simply put, God's plan is <i>much</i> greater than I could imagine. And, unfortunately, it is something that I cannot just pull my magic eight ball out to see what my future entails.<br />
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The thing is, when they talk about mother's intuition, there really is some truth to that. You see, I can distinctly remember having a conversation with my mom several months ago saying that I really wanted to write a book. Share our story, so that others out there going through something similar could use my writing as an outlet for coping. I ended the conversation saying, that I want to write it, but my story wasn't complete yet. I just felt like there was more.<br />
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When I found out we were expecting twins again, I knew this was my "more" to the story. I couldn't help but think we were getting a second chance to raise twins.<br />
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The saying "God doesn't give you more than you can handle," is really a saying I'm getting tired of these days though.<br />
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Yesterday, I woke up ready to conquer the world. I read a few blogs before starting my day and even shared a post about everyone going through struggles and how we handle them. That afternoon, we went to Shawnee Mission Medical Center for our 20-week sonogram and high-risk appointment. We weren't being labeled as high risk, for any other reason, other than the fact that we were expecting twins again, and with our history, my OB wanted to play it safe. I'm good with safe. I'm good with a plan.<br />
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About half-way into our sonogram, Nick sent me a text. <i>"I'm nervous", </i> is all it said.<br />
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On pins and needles and an hour and 45 minutes of scanning later, the sonographer informed us that she needed to talk to Dr. Wickstrom, our specialist. Nick and I knew immediately that something was indeed wrong. Panic was setting in. I knew there was a reason I hadn't slept the night before. Tossing and turning, but not really sure why.<br />
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Dr. Wickstrom informed us that Baby A was perfectly healthy. Brain and heart look great. Growing right on track and a very active baby boy.<br />
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Baby B's (another sweet baby boy) heart and brain looked good (I actually had to call to confirm this after the fact - everything is such a blur), and he was measuring right on track. However, it appears that his right arm did not form the way it should have. If I stood here and told you that I held my head up high and remained strong when we were given this news, I would be lying. I was a complete wreck. I couldn't contain my tears, or my emotions. I literally felt like I was in a crazy dream. Someone pinch me so I could just wake up from this nightmare.<br />
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There is really no explanation for why this happened. And no explanation for how either.<br />
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We are automatically being referred to the team at Children's Mercy. We will meet with an orthopedic surgeon and a whole team of doctors there to discuss Baby B and his future. We understand that he will have surgeries in his future. We just do not know when or how often or any details really, right now. We hope to know more in the coming weeks once we have made our visit to CM.<br />
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Now, this by no means will impact if Baby B will survive or not. He WILL survive. Does this mean that he will live a different life than his twin brother? Not if I have a say. He might have to adjust how he does things, but with technology and strong-willed parents, he WILL persevere.<br />
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Despite being heartbroken that we are once again, faced with hardship, I am confident that we will look back on this moment in time and it will be a small memory compared to what the future holds for Baby B. This is a trying time in our lives and is truly a test of our faith, our marriage, and everything in between. It's only been almost two years since Peyton passed away-- something that may seem like "just an arm" has stirred up emotions we didn't know existed. <br />
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Please pray for strength for our family. Pray that we remain each other's rock and that we continue to lean on our faith to pull us through. Going through something like this <i>is not easy.</i> It plain sucks, and we find ourselves questioning what the purpose of all of this is. Pray for us today, but tomorrow, pray for our son. Pray for his future and that this is all we are dealing with.<br />
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<i>"it's not the disability that defines you; it's how you deal with the challenges the disability presents you with." - Jim Abbott</i>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13728822389356356770noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6173933713636121783.post-45954673155331716062016-06-19T11:58:00.000-07:002016-06-19T11:58:08.319-07:00"...we have not stopped praying for you..."<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Can you believe that in just a few short months Preston will celebrate his 2nd birthday?! On this Father's Day, I find myself overwhelmed with the happiest of emotions and longing even more for Peyton to be here. </div>
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Also on this day, Nick, Kaylee, Preston and I drop to our knees in thankfulness and full of prayer. </div>
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I'll cut right to the chase. :) Preston is pretty excited to announce that he is going to be a BIG brother!!</div>
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But, our story doesn't stop there. Our rainbow baby, is something I have dreamt about for so long now. Anyone that knows me, knows that I have always wanted a big family. When you ask me how many kids I want, I jokingly have always said, "I'd have ten kids if Nick would let me." All kidding aside, I knew that I wanted a bigger family, and so did Nick. On May 24th, we found out we were expecting. A crazy, happy day! We could hardly believe our eyes. So much so, that we took NINE tests to confirm we were right. </div>
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On June 17th, we headed to our OB, Dr. Lynch for our first sonogram and appointment. Of course, I was super excited, and nervous. I had told Nick, he should be prepared, I was convinced we were having twins, and Nick of course told me I was crazy and we were on our way. </div>
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Into the sono we went and within seconds.... there it was. </div>
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The sonographer didn't even have to say it, Nick and I both knew instantly. TWINS.</div>
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Tears, lots of laughter and smiles and a little freaking out were in the moments immediately following. Shock and pure excitement too. Dr. Lynch was certainly surprised. He even stated that in the 30 years he's been practicing medicine, he has never had a couple conceive twins naturally, twice, much less back to back. Little did he know that I have TWO family members that have (My dad's mom had two sets of identical twins back to back and my mom's grandmother had two sets too!). And here we are, carrying on the tradition. </div>
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I can't begin to tell you how happy, excited, nervous and scared we are. I cannot wait for the day that we are holding our sweet babies in our arms. I am confident that these babies will both be coming home with us. And I know that our family will be complete when we do. In the coming months, continue to pray for us. Pray for strength and pray for healthy babies. </div>
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Welcome to our next chapter. One that I know we will truly enjoy and live to the fullest. </div>
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"Pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for You." -- First Thessalonians 5:17-18</div>
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13728822389356356770noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6173933713636121783.post-80191315831587602042015-10-07T09:51:00.000-07:002015-10-07T09:51:29.387-07:00In the arms of an angel - one year later<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Exactly one year ago today, we laid our son to rest.<br />
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And I'm here to tell you, we survived. I feel like we should all applaud, pat ourselves on the back, or if Kaylee had her way, we would all shout HOORAY! We did it! We actually made it through a year that I was absolutely terrified of facing.<br />
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I'll never forget the day that I sat in my hospital bed begging my doctor not to dismiss me from the hospital. Tears rolled down my cheeks, as I explained to her how scared I was to go home. Now, while most people may find this to seem a little silly, it to me, is not. Going home meant that what seemed like my worst nightmare, was indeed reality. Going home, meant that I was going to have to stand in front of family and friends as we buried my son. No pinching necessary, this was real life.<br />
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Despite my angst, after five days in the hospital, we went home. And you know what? I went to sleep in tears that night. It sucked. And the next day, Nick and I went out to buy an outfit for our son to be buried in. At the time, it seemed so surreal. What we should have been doing was picking out an outfit to baptize Peyton in. But, instead, that was not the case. The funny thing is--- I had actually ordered an outfit for Peyton a few months prior, but it just didn't seem like the "right" one. So--- in my sense of crazy, Nick and I went on the adventure looking for <b>the</b> perfect outfit. Seems like such a small detail, but it was a detail that I knew that we would forever remember.<br />
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I want you all to know that the pain does not go away. It doesn't. There isn't a single day, or a single second, for that matter, that I don't think about my son. I sometimes wake up in the middle of the night, sweating, terrified that I have forgotten what Peyton looked like, what color was his hair? His eyes? What did he weigh again? For those that know me, you know that my memory is typically really good. I can tell you what nearly every classmate from kindergarten's birthday is. I just remember. It's a funny thing what grief can do to your mind. You forget. And then, you remember again. Sometimes--- it's just a matter of getting through the fog.<br />
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Although the pain does not go away, you <b>do</b> learn how to manage it. You <b>smile</b>, because, despite having been through something I would have never dreamt I would have to go through, <b>there is still happiness to be had. </b><br />
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I've learned more in the past year about myself, my marriage and my family than I have in a long time. We've made so many memories. When I think back on the year that has passed, I sit here smiling. Because, we lived life to the absolute fullest. No regrets. At the end of the day, Peyton's death taught me to do that. It taught me to be a better listener, more patient and to enjoy the little moments just as much as the big ones.<br />
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Nick and I are so blessed for the lives that we do have. We have an amazing family and our friends are the best. And, we have two beautiful children that we get to spend our lives with here on Earth and one beautiful, handsome angel that I will be forever grateful for.<br />
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This past weekend, we celebrated Preston's 1st birthday. We concluded his birthday with a balloon release to Heaven in remembrance of Peyton. I know that Peyton was there with us that day. The sun was so bright, but if you look carefully, you can see a "white" balloon. Except, we only had blue and orange balloons.<br />
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Peyton continues to remind us daily that he is with us. It's the most peaceful feeling. Honestly--- I wake up most days with a smile on my face because I just "know" that he's here. It's kind of crazy, because I know the kids and Nick feel it too. Kaylee will randomly start talking about Peyton. And Preston, he's drawn to his twin brother.</div>
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Thank you from the bottom of our hearts for everyone's kindness over the past year. This may have been an unexpected journey, but behind every storm, there is a rainbow. It is through the strength of others that we are able to focus on the rainbow and remember the storm.<br />
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<i>"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won't even be sure whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person who walked in. That's what this storm's all about."</i><br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13728822389356356770noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6173933713636121783.post-62044935609113791982015-07-22T09:52:00.000-07:002015-07-22T09:52:30.034-07:00How many children do you have?As we approach the ten month mark since the birth of the twins, I am in awe of how much time has passed already. It seems surreal that this is the life we are living and <i>just </i>how quickly time is flying.<br />
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I absolutely hate the saying "everything happens for a reason". This saying is very impersonal and is gut-wrenching to a lot of people. Especially, those whom have lost a loved one. Although I absolutely despise this saying, I have often found myself looking for the "reason" of why Nick and I were dealt the hand we were given. It's amazing the people you meet because of it. Over the past ten months, Nick and I have met some wonderful people, that, unfortunately share in our experience with their own heartache.<br />
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I've come to the conclusion that although I still cannot explain the reason that we lost our son, or the <i>reason</i> why God felt that He needed Peyton, I can tell you that I am pulled in the direction of giving back. AND, in the direction of helping other grieving parents in any way that I possibly can.<br />
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One of the absolute toughest questions to answer, I've found, is <i>"how many children do you have?"</i> The struggle is real. How do I answer this question? On one hand, I LOVE hearing the sound of Peyton's name, and I do like to tell his story. I have immense guilt if I don't tell his story. I don't for one second ever want his life, his existence, to be diminished. On the other hand, I don't want to make the person asking the question uncomfortable. And, to be perfectly honest, some days, I just don't have the energy to want to talk about everything that Nick and I have been through over the past year and a half.<br />
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Someone I met through a support group that Nick and I joined through Children's Mercy gave me some great advice. Some advice that I have found very helpful and thought I would share.<br />
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Give as much information as the person asking the question asks for.<br />
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For example:<br />
Q: "How many children do you have?"<br />
A: "I have three children."<br />
<br />
Q: "Boys? Girls?"<br />
A: "I have a daughter and 2 sons."<br />
<br />
Q: "What are their names?"<br />
A: "Kaylee, Preston and Peyton"<br />
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Q: "What are their ages?"<br />
A: "Kaylee is 3 and Preston and Peyton are twins. Preston is almost ten months and unfortunately, Peyton is in Heaven now." Some days, I go into Peyton's story and other days, I leave it at that. It totally depends on the person I'm talking to and the mood I'm in.<br />
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I am telling you all this, not to make you feel sorry for me. Not to draw attention. I am hoping that if someone out there is going through this same struggle this helps them. It's honestly, my most dreaded question and I am hoping that I can help others.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13728822389356356770noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6173933713636121783.post-59255455273803351482015-04-29T12:49:00.001-07:002015-04-29T12:49:20.502-07:00A sign from Heaven lets us know our loved ones are near"Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in Heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy."<br />
- Eskimo Proverb<br />
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It's crazy to think that it has been 7 months since the twins were born. 7 months. WOW. I feel like I blinked. Exactly 1 year ago this weekend is when we discovered that Peyton had little to no fluid. A lot of "milestones" lately.<br />
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Some of you know that I am training for a half marathon. My first, ever, half marathon. Let me clarify-- I am NOT a runner. I honestly, never have been. My twin brother, Adam, got those genes. However, when a friend of mine asked me if I'd be interested in running one in May, I thought, well-- it's now or never. It's always been one of those things on my bucket list that I'd like to do someday, but have just never actually committed to. Sure-- it sounds great in theory. I'm turning 30 in August, might as well do it before I really get old, right?!<br />
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Anyways, when I began training, I honestly didn't realize just how therapeutic running would be for me. I literally refer to it as my therapy. (A new pair of shoes and workout gear are a heck of a lot cheaper:)) But yesterday, was unique. Every time I go for a run, I get a little anxious inside, a little nervous and excited. Yesterday, I set out for my "long run" - 9 miles. When I started out-- the weather was simply beautiful--- 70 degrees, sunny and a light breeze. Sounds perfect. About 2 miles in, I totally got into my own head. You can't do this. You're going to have to call Nick to come pick you up. Ugh, my ankle. Ugh-- I think I have a headache. I was seriously talking myself out of what I had set out to do.<br />
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I hit my 4 mile mark and there it was. "Come on, you got this." Written with fresh chalk on the sidewalk. Man, okay--- I got this. Wait, no I don't. About 100 more feet down--- "chin up buttercup". 100 more feet, "I am SO proud of you."<br />
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To say I had goosebumps from head to toe is an understatement. It's like the messages were being written moments before I was passing each spot. These messages continued all the way to mile #8. Just to where I needed to make it home. It's like Peyton was talking to me. He was encouraging me to keep moving, to complete my goal. Afterall, he is one of the reasons I decided to do this.<br />
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During my runs, I take time talking to God and talking to Peyton. Imagining and dreaming of what life would be like if both of my boys, my twins, were here together. This is the time that I allow myself to truly "grieve", or rather, embrace the life that I am living.<br />
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It is my medicine. It is my therapy. It is my life. I am living the life that I love.<br />
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Although my heart hurts beyond words. I miss Peyton. I am sometimes brought to tears and other times brought to pure anger that Preston does not get to live the "twin" life that I do. But yet--- honestly, that sadness does not consume me. Instead, the happiness of both of my children, and husband does.<br />
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As we reach new milestones--- Preston crawling, moving from laying down to sitting up on his own, successfully taking a bottle (that's another story) -- these all bring smiles to my face. Kaylee sitting in church, crossing her legs, so excited that if she is "good", she gets to give Father a high five at the end. All of these moments are moments that I do not take for granted. Not for a second.<br />
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I encourage everyone to live the life you love. Stop and smell the roses, literally. Take time to notice when our lost loved ones are talking to you. Because when they do, it makes everything we're doing here on Earth, worth it.<br />
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"Smile... Heaven is watching."<br />
- African ProverbAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13728822389356356770noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6173933713636121783.post-9352478865356624532015-02-18T13:08:00.001-08:002015-02-18T13:08:43.908-08:00Team playerLife is truly funny, you know? You go through most of your life feeling/thinking you're invincible. I don't know if it's the technology that exposes us to what REALLY is going on in our world, or if it's just our age. But, I can say, life is really tough sometimes.<br />
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I remember when we found out about Peyton's diagnosis. After a few months, Nick and I had accepted the path that God had chose for us. Don't get me wrong, we were truly hoping that the doctors were wrong and that this was all some sort of bad dream. But then, of course, reality hit, and the doctors were right. We were forced to truly accept our new path. I feel that we've done this with grace and level heads. And- we attribute this to our family and friends' support. Honestly--- it's not that we ever felt like we were being punished with the hand we were dealt, but I kind of felt like we were taking one for the team. Right or wrong, I can remember telling God, okay-- you took my baby, now just protect all my family and friends. I seriously believed that that meant there were no "it comes in 3's" or anything like that. One and done. My baby, that's it. Unfortunately, that hasn't been the case.<br />
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It's crazy the negotiating that we do with God when it comes to death. Isn't it bad enough that my child suffered and died? Does God really have to take any more children? UGH. My heart is of course broken and I know that this is all part of the process. But seriously?? Since September, we have lost a sister, had friends lose their babies to miscarriages, friends with children diagnosed with cancer, family losing their children, family in the hospitals... can we catch a break? Seriously.<br />
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And to be honest-- the saying "God only gives you what you can handle"...<br />
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What have Nick and I learned from all of this? When life throws you curve balls, you learn how to catch them, throw them back, and stand taller and stronger than you were the day before.<br />
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Often times, we find ourselves searching for our purpose in life. Through our life experiences; whether that's through friendships, career paths, losses--- these all help guide us to the direction that we're supposed to go. I know that Peyton would want us to make sure that we stayed true to the course and helped others that are struggling with loss in any way we can. Even if it just means telling others we are here.<br />
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So, I feel that it is fitting on this Ash Wednesday, to challenge each of you to set a goal for this Lenten season. Are you going to pray with your spouse, together, on a daily basis? I know I am. Are you going to enjoy the sun rising and setting everyday, allowing yourself to slow down and enjoy the life you're living? I know I am. Are you going to work to not take life for granted and live in the moment rather than focusing on the past or the future? I know I am.<br />
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When there are so many bad things happening in the world, even in our own back yard, it is SO easy to get caught up in that, as opposed to focusing on how we can make a positive impact on those around us, but more importantly on ourselves. It's so simple to get stuck in a rut and think that the world is crashing all around you. My daily devotion is to avoid the negative and focus on the positive. I pray that any of you that are facing your own trials can find peace and comfort.<br />
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With love,<br />
Ashley<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13728822389356356770noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6173933713636121783.post-29069118186356860672014-12-03T08:08:00.000-08:002014-12-03T08:08:49.111-08:00Stage 1: Shock / DenialGood grief.<br />
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Grief. Grieving. Grievance.<br />
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So many ways to say it. They all suck. Excuse my language, but really--- it sucks. I recently read an article about the five stages of grief. 5 stages! I remember learning about grief during health class when I was in high school. It should come as no surprise to me. But, as I read this article, I found myself angry and terrified. Angry at the thought that this "grieving" is going to take forever and terrified that it may take forever. I want to feel normal again.<br />
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It's been 8 weeks since Peyton's funeral and 9 since the twins were born. 9 weeks. I feel like I blinked. There's no way our lives were turned upside down 9 weeks ago. I don't even feel like it's been a week, how can it be 9? For the past 9 weeks I feel like I've been in a fog. Going through the motions-- doing what I need to do for my family. A tear here and there, but honestly--- I've been plain numb. I keep waiting for the other shoe to fall. When will I start "feeling" the loss of Peyton?<br />
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I've heard comments made from family and friends like -- I'm worried about Ashley. How's Ashley doing? The truth is, I'm fine. Honestly. But this all makes sense--- perhaps I'm stuck in the first stage of grief still -- 1. Shock and Denial. It's about as real as it gets.<br />
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This week, we took Preston in to Children's Mercy for an ultrasound on his hips. (They were checking for hip displasia due to his being born breech.) The planner that I am, I spent all day Sunday mentally preparing myself for making the trip back to CM. I kept thinking that I was going to have a mental breakdown or something. Well, we went made it there and back with zero tears. Zero feelings even. Numb. Being numb is exhausting.<br />
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Guilt is exhausting too. I find myself feeling lots of guilt. Mom guilt is terrible, but it's reached a whole new level. Anytime we're asked to do something or go somewhere, I instantly begin to feel guilt for leaving my children with anyone other than me. Guilt isn't something I had anticipated, much less realized how bad it was, until Nick asked me last week point blank, why do you feel so guilty? You need time for you, time for us. He's right-- I know he is, but it still doesn't take the guilt away.<br />
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Anyways-- as I continue in this state of "shock/denial", bare with me. I knew that this wasn't going to be easy and I know that there is a purpose to everything. But, today, I will snuggle Preston and Kaylee and hope that I can just skip straight to acceptance.<br />
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But through all of this, there are smiles and moments of reflection. It's amazing how much Peyton is with us on a daily basis. During the most stressful and happiest times, Peyton is here. Nick and I recently read an article that my aunt had posted about the signs that a lost loved one is with you. Whether it be Peyton visiting us in our dreams, feeling him through "electrical activity", symbolic message, movement of an item-- we know that our angel baby is with us every single day.<br />
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Nick and I began to realize this about a month ago when a picture that we had sitting on a shelf fell. It was a picture of Preston and Peyton from when they were in the hospital. The first time it happened, we didnt' think too much of it, but after the 3rd time, it got our attention. A few weeks ago, Nick, Preston and I went to Wichita for our friend, Pat's 30th birthday party. We dropped Kaylee off in Topeka with my mom and then headed to Wichita for the night. Throughout the trip, Nick and I talked a lot about Peyton, Christmas, etc. Multiple times, we would hear this "magical" sound. Nick and I would look at each other with looks of, did you hear that?. After about the 4th time, Nick said to me-- you know, I think Peyton is here. He's telling us he's here with that sound. The sound was coming from one of Kaylee's toys-- a frozen wand that makes "magical" sounds. However, that only happens if you push a button. Anyways--- Peyton was with us on our car ride and Nick and I couldn't help but smile. On Thanksgiving, I was talking to my mom-- I look up at a picture we had hanging of the twins and the picture had been moved. I literally looked at my mom and said he's here, he's with us.<br />
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So despite the fog that I've been in for the past 2 months, Peyton has helped me when I've needed it most. There isn't a second that goes by that I don't think about him, wonder what he's doing right now. There are a lot of angels in heaven holding him and we know he is in good hands.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13728822389356356770noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6173933713636121783.post-4753660320568769042014-11-04T15:29:00.001-08:002014-11-04T15:29:16.770-08:00Angel of God, my Guardian Dear...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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It's hard to believe that it has been four weeks since we celebrated the life of Peyton. Honestly-- it feels kind of like a dream or a lifetime ago. When we say it out loud, it is plain crazy to think that nearly a month has flown by.<br />
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I'm writing today to honor Peyton. I remember the day like it was yesterday and honestly, it brings so many smiles and memories flooding back. I want you all to know how thankful Nick and I are for the gift that Peyton gave us. The gift of time. Something we will try our best to not take for granted. When this whole process began, Nick and I both begged and pleaded with God, to give us the gift of time to spend with Peyton. We wanted to meet our son. We can't begin to thank God enough for answering our prayer and gifting us time.<br />
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Don't get me wrong -- saying goodbye to Peyton is THE hardest thing that Nick and I have ever had to do. Period. The pain is there. However, with that pain, there is peace. Peace knowing that Peyton is not suffering. Peace knowing that Nick and I were empowered through our faith throughout this process. We have no regrets. Something that was our greatest fear. We didn't want to look back and play the, "We wish we would have.." game. Instead, we look back and talk about how great of a day the day was when we had to say "goodbye" to our son.<br />
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We wanted Peyton's day to be perfect. Something that brought happiness through the tears. From the music, to the readings, to pictures, to our outfits. Nick and I wanted the day to be something that we would be able to remember every detail. Picking out outfits for our family, although I was dreading, came together simply. As a family, we each wore a little blue and orange. Throughout our pregnancy-- those colors had become symbolic for us and we just knew they would be the perfect colors to wear in honor of our son.<br />
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October 7, 2014, 1 PM. Not a cloud in the sky. 75 degrees and sunny. A picture perfect day. I'm not kidding, it truly was the most beautiful day. Like Peyton was smiling from above, giving us the light we needed.<br />
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You see, first of all--- the world truly is a small place. Porter Funeral Home was absolutely the best choice for us. Not only did the owner end up being the uncle of one of my very good friends, but the facility really brought light and sunshine to what was a sad day. They provided us the service that we didn't even realize we needed and were beyond accommodating to meet our needs.<br />
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We began Peyton's service, meeting with family and friends. A special thank you to Kayla Stallbaumer, for the amazing pictures you captured of Peyton and our family. We were able to truly remember our son and have beautiful pictures displayed for everyone to see.<br />
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Although we hadn't planned to have an open casket, when we arrived at Porters, it was the right thing for us to do. Nick and I weren't ready to say goodbye and it brought us peace to be able to see him, touch him and give him kisses.<br />
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I wanted to make sure he was warm. The hospital had given us this beautiful small blue crocheted blanket that fit perfectly for Peyton. It brought me peace to see that he was perfectly wrapped in his blanket. He couldn't have looked more handsome.<br />
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We couldn't be more thankful for my cousin, Father Daniel (Danny) Schmitz for conducting Peyton's service. I've grown up with Danny my whole life, and couldn't have picked a more perfect person to help us celebrate Peyton. The homily was simply perfect. --- although Peyton was only here a short time, he truly experienced a lifetime of love. Each song and reading were carefully selected by Nick and I. Each of these songs are perfectly written to describe feelings that we have felt throughout this journey.<br />
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<b><u>Strong Enough</u></b><br />
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<b><u>Ecclesiastes 3:1-8</u></b><br />
To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven;<br />
A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;<br />
A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;<br />
A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;<br />
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;<br />
A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;<br />
A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;<br />
A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.<br />
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<b><u>Jesus Blesses the Children</u></b><br />
And they were bringing even their babies to Him so taht He would touch them, but when the disciples saw it, they began rebuking them. But Jesus called for them, saying, "Permit the children to come to Me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. "Truly I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child will not enter it at all."<br />
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<b><u>Hold On (As I Hold You)</u></b></div>
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<b><u>One More Day</u></b><br />
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<b><u>Strength for the Journey</u></b><br />
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We ended Peyton's Service at Resurrection Catholic Cemetery. Peyton is buried underneath a beautiful tree in the children section of the cemetery. We prayed together as a family and released orange and blue balloons into the sky to celebrate Peyton. This is a tradition that we will continue on special days of remembrance for the rest of our lives.<br />
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We can't begin to thank everyone enough for their love and support. There isn't a day that doesn't go by that we don't think or talk about Peyton. We thank everyone for thinking, praying and speaking of our son as well. It brings a smile to our face to hear his name. Although Peyton only spent moments in our arms, he will truly forever be in our hearts.<br />
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Sweet baby boy, mommy, daddy, Kaylee and Preston love you to infinity and back. We thank God every day for giving us the chance to meet you. Days are tough at times, but for the most part, they are filled with happiness and peace. We are forever blessed with the most beautiful angel.<br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13728822389356356770noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6173933713636121783.post-17054679484417538022014-10-22T09:20:00.002-07:002014-10-22T09:20:52.254-07:00The birth story of our boysThe day we had been anticipating for 9 months was finally here. We had made it to my own twin brother's wedding, which was simply the perfect day and surprisingly, the night before, Nick and I both managed to get some sleep before waking at 4:45 am to get ready for the big day. The day we would finally get to meet our boys! Truly soaking up every second, enjoying every move I felt from my boys. I knew this would be the feeling I would miss the most. The only time in my life that I would get to feel the flutter in my stomach -- something I never want to forget. All of our family, both Nick's and mine had stayed with us the night before so that we could all caravan to Children's Mercy together. There's nothing better than seeing your parents first thing in the morning, especially on such a special day.<br />
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Kaylee woke, bright eyed and full of life -- her first words when she woke were "good morning sunshine". Something I will never forget either. Funny how a 2-year old knows just what to say to her momma. Kaylee was SO excited for 9/29 too. The day she would get to meet her brothers!<br />
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We left for Children's Mercy as a family. Kaylee was excited that she was able to ride with mommy and daddy and new car seats in tow. When we arrived, we got checked in and had the opportunity to see everyone one last time before being taken back for my spinal block. </div>
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Before I knew it, it was go time. At exactly 8:30 am, I was taken to the OR to begin my spinal. They told me that Nick would be able to come back within 15 minutes. At 8:58 am, Nick was brought to the OR. He sat next to me and held my hand. He wiped the tears off my face as I laid there waiting for our doctors to begin. It's such a weird experience. The doctors were totally making small talk-- talking about John Riggins and how they had stayed in Seneca a few years back. I was amazed how they really tried to make their conversation relatable to me and the time that they had taken to know where I was from, etc. </div>
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At 9:07 am, Preston Edward Topping was born. Dr. Bennett held Preston up for me to see and then the nurses instantly took him to check him over. He was simply beautiful. </div>
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At 9:08 am, Peyton Michael Topping was born. The nurses and Peyton's doctor took him instantly to the resuscitation room. We weren't able to see him because he needed to be evaluated immediately. </div>
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I instantly turned to Nick and said, go. Go be with our boys. I was instantly terrified that if Nick wasn't with our boys, something would go wrong. So I laid there listening to both of my babies crying. Smiling, thankful that I could hear them only a few feet away. The anesthesiologist was amazing-- he gave me a play by play of what was going on and would tell me when Nick was coming my way. It felt like an eternity before anyone came over to me to tell me what was going on, but before I knew it, Nick was standing by my side with Preston. </div>
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Introducing Preston Edward Topping</div>
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6 pounds 5 oz.</div>
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20 inches long</div>
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9/29/14</div>
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9:07 am</div>
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Nick was seriously a rockstar. Going from room to room to check on the boys and come back to me to let me know what was going on. I asked him how Peyton was doing. He said he didn't think it looked good. He was breathing, but he was in a lot of pain. After meeting Preston, Peyton's doctor came to me to explain what was going on. </div>
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She explained that they had placed Peyton on a ventilator but that he was struggling to breathe much on his own . They were managing his pain and keeping him comfortable, but she wasn't sure how much time we had with him. She recommended that we do Peyton's Baptism in the operating room as opposed to the recovery room (which was our initial plan) because they weren't sure if he would make it between rooms. I looked at Nick and he looked at me and we both nodded in agreement. We knew that Peyton was telling us that it was all going to be okay, that we wouldn't have to make any difficult decisions. He was making them for us. </div>
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Introducing Peyton Michael Nicholas Topping</div>
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3 pounds 14.5 oz</div>
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15.5 inches long</div>
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9/29/14</div>
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9:08 am</div>
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Within minutes, both my cousin, Father Daniel Schmitz, and our friend and photographer, Kayla, were in the room. Father Danny baptized and confirmed Peyton as Nick held Preston and I held Peyton's hand. </div>
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After Peyton was baptized and confirmed, the doctors said they felt they had Peyton stabilized while on the ventilator. They just weren't sure of how long. They said that we could keep him on the ventilator for as long as we wanted, or we could remove the tubes, etc. so that everyone could hold him. We decided to leave him on the ventilator and move everyone to the recovery room so that our families could meet the boys. </div>
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I was instantly moved to the recovery room, Nick following me with Preston. I remember looking out to the waiting room, seeing my sister-in-law, Catie, wave at me. I took a deep breath, smiled, and told myself, everything's going to be okay. You know this. Within seconds, I was instantly surrounded my my family and best friend, Amber. A few minutes later, they brought Peyton into the room and placed him in my arms. For the next two hours, time literally seemed to stand still. It was like God was freezing time for us. Freezing time so we could enjoy every second. Soak up every second with our family. </div>
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Kaylee meeting her brothers for the first time was simply priceless. She was beyond excited to see her brothers. Despite her mom laying in a hospital bed and her brother being hooked to all sorts of tubes, it didn't phase her. The love she expressed for her family cannot be put into words. It was simply precious, and something that Nick and i will forever cherish. </div>
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At 12:00 pm, 9/29, our son, Peyton Michael Nicholas Topping, went to be with Jesus. The strongest little boy I have ever met. Much too strong for Earth. Peyton passed away peacefully in his daddy and mommy's arms, next to his twin brother Preston. Although his time was short, he had a lifetime of love. He taught us more about life than we could have ever thought imaginable. We are so beyond grateful to have been able to spend those nearly three hours with our family of five. </div>
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Words cannot begin to express how thankful we are to have such a great support system. Thank you to everyone that has brought a meal, sent cards, gifts, facebook messages, texts, phone calls, etc. We cannot begin to tell you how much we appreciate them. </div>
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Life is but a hello and goodbye, but love is until we meet again.</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13728822389356356770noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6173933713636121783.post-7766654513298939912014-09-15T08:48:00.000-07:002014-09-15T08:48:42.386-07:00The date is set! 9/29/14It's official! The twins' birth date has been set! 9/29/14. The boys are scheduled for a c-section delivery. It will be a GREAT day and the day that we start this next chapter. No matter the outcome, Nick, Kaylee and I are very excited to meet our boys.<br />
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We're as ready as we can be! The boys' room is complete and we've got our bags packed!<br />
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Here's a little glimpse of the boys' room. :)<br />
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We have continued our weekly appointments at Children's Mercy. We have just 2 appointments left! Last week, we were able to tour the labor and delivery area as well as the NICU. It was a little overwhelming to say the least, but we made it through. These appointments are a little exhausting, lasting 4 hours+ every time. The benefits of working from home, allowing Nick and I to bring our computers/phones to get some work done while we wait.<br />
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The twins are continuing to grow and move around like crazy. The Bio Physical Profile exams on Preston have come back great and both boys have passed their Non Stress Tests with flying colors. Last week, we did see a small amount of fluid around Peyton. Which was amazing in and of itself. God just keeps giving us little signs here and there to remind us that everything is going to be okay! The doctors were very clear not to get our hopes up, but once again, they couldn't explain where the fluid was coming from.<br />
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We've also been stocking up on lots of navy blue and orange for the boys. Daddy is bound and determined that these boys will be decked out in Broncos gear for the next 3 months! LOL. The picture below on the left is of onesies that my cousin Elizabeth made for the boys. The picture on the right is of the stock that Nick ordered. :)<br />
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Preston and Peyton - mom and dad and your big sister Kaylee are SO excited to meet you. Although this is a very scary time for all of us, we are also reminded of how great of a time in our life this is. No matter the outcome, we are ready to take the journey with the two of you. Know that we have loved you both since the time we found out we were expecting and not a second goes by that we don't think about both of you! I am sincerely going to miss carrying you both, feeling your every move every second of the day. These next two weeks will go very fast, and your dad and I are clinging to every one of those seconds to make them memorable for us all.<br />
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We love you to the moon and back!<br />
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Thank you to everyone for the continued prayers and support. This will probably be our last update until the twins are born. We couldn't have made it this far without each and every one of your prayers.<br />
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This is a song that Nick and I have loved since we very first started dating. It would never fail that this song would be played at church when we went together. I don't think I can find a song more fitting than this for us over the next two weeks.<br />
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Much love,</div>
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Nick, Ashley and Kaylee</div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13728822389356356770noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6173933713636121783.post-78670690684911860122014-09-02T09:33:00.000-07:002014-09-02T09:33:16.923-07:00Climbing uphill...I normally don't find it hard for me to write on here. Usually, the words just come to me and I type away. I began blogging our twins' experience, not for attention, but rather for any families out there that may be facing the same challenges that we are facing. It's a tough world, and sometimes it makes it easier to know that someone else has been in your shoes before. Even if you never meet them, reading their story can sometimes help. <div>
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Today, the words just aren't there for us. Today, Nick and I are struggling. We're in pain and we're terrified of reaching the top of the hill we are climbing. </div>
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When we went back to the doctor last Friday, we were both ready to have more answers, and to begin understanding all of our options for when the boys are born. Another 4.5 hour appointment would leave us exhausted, numb and completely overwhelmed.</div>
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We began our appointment meeting with pre-admissions. In order to deliver at Children's Mercy, you have to "pass a test" to make sure that you are indeed healthy enough to deliver at the hospital. Because this is a children's hospital, they want to be sure that the moms will be healthy. The good news, I passed. :) Not that I was concerned, but hey, you just never know these days. :)</div>
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Next, we met with anesthesiology. They explained that with a c-section, I would expect to have a spinal and partial epidural. To think about this is no big deal to me. Actually it sounds like a breeze to get this done, especially since I won't be contracting when this happens.</div>
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Next, we met with the social worker. Basically, this person is there to help answer any questions we may have and provide us any outlets of support that we may need. Nick and I both just smiled during this visit, explaining that we were good. No questions. (The real questions would come later on during the day). </div>
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Next, we met with our sonographer. Here, she took measurements, did a bio physical profile on both boys and we got to see them moving around and their little hearts beating, which was great. Nothing new to report on the boys. They are both growing, super active and everything looks great! </div>
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After the sono--- we met with Dr. Bennett-- the head of periontology for Children's Mercy. Dr. Bennett was the doctor that Dr. Lynch had hoped we would get, so we were very excited that we were able to have him selected for us. Dr. Bennett is a great guy. He's very transparent about what's going on and is all about discussing our options together. We determined that we would continue to do bio physical profile testing on Preston, but that we would only be doing NST's (non-stress tests) on both Preston and Peyton. Basically-- the BPP would not report correctly because of the lack of fluid for Peyton-- so his score would always be skewed. Dr. Bennett was very sincere in everything he did and said. And he was brought to tears when we began to discuss Peyton's condition. At this point, Dr. Bennett agrees--- Peyton's obstruction to the bladder seems accurate. Dr. Bennett said that the proof will be in the pudding when Peyton is born and we really can't make decisions until we truly know what we are dealing with. </div>
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After meeting with Dr. Bennett, we went to meet for an integrated consult. During the consult, we met wtih Dr. Willig, head of Nephrology (kidneys), Dr. Carter, head of Neonatology, and a representative from the Palliative Care Team (PaCT). This consultation would deem to be the most revealing of what the future holds to date. Dr. Carter began talking to us immediately about Peyton and his lung development. He explained the same things that Dr. Killbride had in regards to lung development and options for birth. He explained that there is a lot that can be done and we will have to take every fork in the road, one at a time. This part of the conversation wasn't too bad, and honestly seemed manageable. They will indeed know pretty quickly what will need to be done in order to ensure Peyton's lungs are working correctly and will be able to provide us with guidance on to the if this, then this scenarios.</div>
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Next, Dr. Willig, the nephrologist spoke to us regarding Peyton's kidneys. Again, until Peyton is born, we really won't know the severity of the situation. However, at this point, they are referring to it as chronic kidney failure. Call us crazy, naive, ignorant... all of the above. We had NO idea what that actually meant. To us, Peyton would just get a transplant and be fine. What this actually means?? Peyton will need to be put on dialysis ASAP. He will be in the hospital, at a minimum of 4 months. He will need dialysis every single day until he is big enough for a transplant. He will not be big enough until approximately 2 years of age. He will be on 8+ pills/medicine a day for the rest of his life. The first transplant will do the best. Yes, that's right--- Peyton's kidney transplant will only last for so long. It could last anywhere from 2-10 years. He will not be able to live the same life as his brother. The doctors all explained that we could expect a life of living more IN the hospital than not, his entire life. The list of risk and complications is literally a mile long. </div>
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You probably could have knocked me over with a feather at that point. We just really didn't understand the quality of life that Peyton would face. AND on the other side of this, there is the quality of life for Kaylee and Preston too. I'd be lying if I said this was easy and we'll take all of this information in stride too. It actually just plain sucks. I never thought I would question God and his decisions. But I have definitely wondered why he chose us to be Peyton's parents lately. I don't know that I'm strong enough for all of this. There are SO many tough decisions ahead of us and at the end of the day, sometimes you just want to throw your hands up and give up. But then again, that's not who we are. We would never just give up. So, instead, we continue to live. We continue to smile and laugh and have fun. When all is said and done, we will have three beautiful children that we will never stop loving. It is truly in God's hands to determine the path that we're going. </div>
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Our heads have been spinning since we left Children's Mercy on Friday. Nick and I have an incredibly difficult road ahead when it comes to decisions. At this point, the anticipation of reaching the top of this hill we have been climbing for nearly 5 months is probably the hardest part. When confronted with reality, we will make the best decisions for us as a family. At this point, we have no idea what those will be. We are confident in the staff at Children's Mercy and we are confident in each other that we will do what is best for our children. No matter what. </div>
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In the coming weeks, please continue to pray for healthy lungs and kidneys. Miracles happen every day. </div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13728822389356356770noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6173933713636121783.post-51411935294222829242014-08-25T13:12:00.002-07:002014-08-25T13:12:45.486-07:00Less than 6 weeks to go!At the very most, we have 38 days until we meet our little guys. WOW! How time flies! I can hardly believe that it is almost September! To say we are excited, nervous, and anxious is an understatement. :)<br />
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Last week was the week that we had been anticipating for over a month. The day we visited Children's Mercy. Of course, as one would imagine, I didn't sleep the night before, trying to remember all the questions I had and typing, deleting and retyping them into my phone so my pregnancy brain wouldn't get the best of me. :) We started our trip downtown, walked into Children's Mercy and I was instantly overcome with emotion. This isn't necessarily a hospital where you see lots of healthy people. As we checked in with security, we discovered that Nick didn't have his wallet. And of course, you have to provide your DL in order to get in to the facility. Here I was worried about my pregnancy brain and forgot all about how bad Nick's has been. In a panic, I of course began to cry and I'm pretty sure everyone thought I was crazy. Needless to say, after a quick phone call to my contact there, they let Nick in. Whew! Nothing like starting our visit off with that!<br />
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The first person we met with was the Genetics team. This part of the meeting walked us through our family history. Basically, they are trying to determine if any of the things going on with Peyton are genetically related. The conversation basically went like this: Ashley, do you have any siblings? Yes--- I have a twin brother, a sister and another younger brother. Ashley, do you all have the same mommy and daddy? Yes. Do any of your siblings have children?.... this part actually got kind of comical-- as the questions continue on to ask how many siblings my parents have, etc. The lady was shocked to find that my dad's mom had had 2 sets of twins herself. Needless to say, after walking through our family medical history, it was determined that none of this is genetically related.<br />
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Next, we met with the sonogram team. A 2 hour sonogram would basically tell us nothing new. The boys weren't necessarily being the most cooperative that day though. They were both moving around like crazy and it was really hard to capture solid images. At one point, the sonographer asked me to turn on my right side so that she could get a better look. It wasn't until that moment did Nick get the full picture of how bad my darn sciatic nerve has been bothering me. As it literally took me about 5 minutes to get to my right side. Holy OW! Literally, the pain takes my breath away. But, nonetheless, I made it to my side and that helped her catch some of the images she wasn't able to get earlier. So the pain was worth it. :) When the sonogram was complete, the director of the sono team came in to tell us that Peyton had no fluid and that his kidneys looked small. Surprise surprise. This is what we've been seeing for weeks now.<br />
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Next, we met with the urologist. Unfortunately, Dr. Gatti didn't feel that there was much that he could do for Peyton. At least not right now. He explained that Peyton's bladder is actually 2 times the size of a normal adult bladder and it is actually causing his stomach to protrude outwards. Our poor little guy. :( He explained that at this point in the pregnancy, there really isn't anything he can do and we would have to wait and see what happens at birth in order to determine a plan. First and foremost, we have to determine how his lungs have developed, which will not be able to be identified until birth.<br />
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Next, we met with the head of Neonatology, Dr. Kilbride. Dr. Kilbride explained that Peyton's chances for survival aren't great. BUT, there is a chance. Because Peyton is a twin, there is a possibility that he is absorbing some of Preston's fluid, which would allow his lungs to develop. There is also a possibility that there may be a small pocket of fluid that we just aren't seeing. Dr. Kilbride explained that it takes the tiniest amount of fluid to allow for lung development, so he wasn't giving up hope. Of course, he didn't want to get our hopes up. If we make it through the lung obstacle, we still have his kidneys and bladder to worry about. Depending on the findings, Peyton could be placed on dialysis as early as 6 days old. Dr. Kilbride explained that on the day of delivery, they would take Peyton immediately to an operating room adjacent to where I would deliver the boys (Nick would be able to walk between the 2 rooms) and they would assess Peyton. He explained that they would be able to tell within 30 minutes to 1 hour the situation. Basically, what would need to be done, if anything. There are extreme measures that can be taken, such as artificial lungs, etc., or it may be that a catheter is placed in Peyton's bladder and a steroid shot is done for lung development. They just won't know until they can actually meet him. A LOT of information to take in, and digest.<br />
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All of this taken into consideration, Dr. Kilbride strongly recommended that we deliver at Children's Mercy. That way, they are 100% prepared for Peyton. On the flip side of this, he did warn that they are used to caring for sick children, not necessarily healthy children. So for Preston, we will need to make sure we provide any specific instructions on his care if we have any.<br />
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The next day, we met with my OB, Dr. Lynch. Dr. Lynch 100% agreed that the best decision would be to deliver at Children's Mercy. He agreed that we should go ahead and proceed with transferring all of our care there so that we do not have to continually retell our story over and over and that the doctors there become familiar with us. Especially since we are looking at less than 6 weeks to go. Nick and I both felt SO much better after talking to Dr. Lynch about delivering at Children's Mercy, we just know it is the right decision. Dr. Lynch was also able to calm some of my fears about having a c-section. Because of course, I was freaking out about that too! :)<br />
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So, this week, we will begin meeting with the team at Children's Mercy on a weekly basis. Every week, we will have a sonogram completed and a non-stress test to determine if I am having any contractions and if they are placing any stress on the babies. We will meet with our new OBGYN and Periontologist and officially select a date for the c-section. (Preston is still breach so this is our only option.). We still need to meet with a nefrologist (kidney doctor) and we will also meet with the entire neonatology team to discuss every option possible for the care of Peyton and where our "stopping" point is. On one hand, we don't want to put Peyton through extreme measures, but on the other hand, we don't want to give up on him either. Sitting down with the team and determining our options up front will hopefully relieve some of the stress that will come on their birth day.<br />
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All in all, last week was exhausting. BUT, we did get some answers. We're hoping for more of a concrete plan after we head back to CM this week Friday. At the end of the day, we know that we will be in the best hands possible.<br />
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Thank you thank you thank you again for all of the prayers! Please continue to pray for healthy lungs and kidneys. I keep having dreams about both boys. And almost on a daily basis, I have visions of our life as a family of 5. Nick and I have joked several times that we are going to have to buy a new car in order to fit everyone when we go home from the hospital. :) That is definitely a problem we would LOVE to have!<br />
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Love,<br />
Nick, Ashley and KayleeAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13728822389356356770noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6173933713636121783.post-38565166505125210442014-08-08T09:20:00.001-07:002014-08-08T09:20:18.835-07:00We are always more afraid than we wish to be, but we can always be braver than we expect.It's hard to believe that 2 more weeks have passed by. It's crazy to think that in less than 8 weeks, we will be opening another chapter of this book and continuing our story with our children. I feel like we blinked and it's August!<br />
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Yesterday, we met with Dr. Lynch, my OBGYN. No new news, just checked for growth progress and heart rates. Both the boys' heart rates were great-- about 8 beats apart from one another. I'm measuring 34 weeks (I'm 30 weeks tomorrow). We talked to Dr. Lynch about our upcoming appointment at Children's Mercy. Dr. Lynch assured us that we weren't these crazy parents just hanging on to every ounce of hope. He says that at the end of the day, getting a 2nd opinion is great. Because, at this point, there is still this big question mark with Peyton. From the outside, this pregnancy has been pretty much by the book. But when you start to look inside and knowing that Peyton has no fluid, it's hard to understand how he can possibly still be growing, moving and do the same things that Preston is doing. Dr. Lynch explained that if we settle on a plan with Children's Mercy and decide to deliver there, we will not have him as our doctor because CM is in MO. UGH. But, at the end of the day, when the boys are born, if there is a chance for Peyton and we deliver at Shawnee Mission, it is guaranteed that not only will I be separated from Peyton, but so will Preston. That is just not something that we want to have happen.<br />
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Today, we met with Dr. Wickstrom, my specialist. Again, no new news. The boys are growing like crazy. Preston is measuring on track to the day, and weighing 3 lbs. 2 oz. Peyton is measuring a few weeks behind and weighing 4 lbs. 7 oz. Of course, we have to accommodate the mass in his stomach-- we're guessing that there is a 29% discrepancy. So that would make Peyton around 3 lbs without the mass. Poor baby boy. To put things into perspective, I'm essentially 30 weeks pregnant and have approx. 6 lbs. 2 oz of "baby" in me. At 40 weeks, 2 days pregnant with Kaylee, she was born at 6 lbs. 8.2 oz. No wonder I feel so big!!<br />
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Preston is still breach, but Peyton is head down. These boys are active active active! The girl doing our sonogram was definitely feeling every move, kick and turn from them today! (Side note-- it is SUCH a small world. Our sonographer happens to be from Holton and her mom and my aunt Kathy are good friends and used to work together! You just never know who you know. :)) Dr. Wickstrom says that everything is looking good. I'm not having any contractions, no Braxton Hicks, no nothing, so she feels very confident that I will make it to the date we have tentatively selected. October 3rd. :) I will be 37 weeks 6 days at that point. And, it's my mom's birthday. :) It will be a very special day. We will wait to set the date in stone until after we have met with the team at Children's Mercy. Dr. Wickstrom is anxious to see what the team at CM has to say, as this pregnancy is nothing like anything she has seen before. There is no sign that any of Peyton's organs are failing, his heart is strong, and he is active. He is definitely a fighter.<br />
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We will head to Children's Mercy Fetal Health Center August 20th. A little less than 2 weeks away. Although, we would have loved to have gone in sooner, we understand how difficult it is to get in front of the entire team. While we are there, we will meet with a Urologist, the Genetics doctor, the Neonatologist, and several other people to determine the "birth plan" for our boys. They will be doing an in-depth sonogram to see if they can find any fluid around Peyton and then we will hopefully have some answers. From there, we will make the decision to either deliver at Children's Mercy or Shawnee Mission.<br />
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We are definitely ready to get a plan in place for our little guys. We aren't giving up hope and we are praying constantly. Last night, I had my first dream about our little guys. One looked just like Nick and the other one looked a lot like me. They were about 9 months old and crawling around and playing. I can't help but think God was sending me a sign.<br />
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Again, thank you for all of the prayers and thoughts of our family. To everyone that stops and tells our family how much you are praying for us, thank you. It really means the world and gives us strength and courage every day! We couldn't do it without your support. </div>
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<3,</div>
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Nick, Ashley and Kaylee</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13728822389356356770noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6173933713636121783.post-3174473872482487882014-07-28T10:56:00.000-07:002014-07-28T10:56:18.315-07:00Ignorance is a temporary affliction, remedied by asking the right questions.Hello there.<br />
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Nick and I wanted to provide you all with a little update from our appointments last week. Last Thursday, we met with my OB - Dr. Lynch for our "regular" appointment. These appointments are great-- we get to hear the boys' heartbeats, see how I'm measuring (31 weeks--- 3 weeks ahead), and of course I get to see how much weight I've gained. :) Although I'm not a big fan of that part. ;) Our appointments with Dr. Lynch are a little less stressful, and I actually look forward to these appointments. Dr. Lynch instantly found both of the boys' heartbeats. Peyton's was registering around 150 and Preston's, around 140. Dr. Lynch thought that maybe since Preston's had decreased his heart rate slightly, that maybe he had turned head down.<br />
<br />We discussed with Dr. Lynch a plan for delivery. More or less, he basically said that he thought we would go to 38 weeks. Basically, deliver sometime during that 38th week. Of course, this could all change based on what we would find out the next day with Dr. Wickstrom, our specialist. Ultimately, Dr. Lynch said that he 100% supported our decision to do a planned c-section and said that at our next appointment in 2 weeks, we could set the date. Woah!<br />
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The next morning, we went in to see Dr. Wickstrom for our specialist appointment. Both boys were moving around like crazy, but we were able to capture more pictures and get everything accomplished they were looking to do that day. We discovered that Preston is still breech and that Peyton is transverse. So at this point-- c-section is our only option. (Might just be God's way of making sure that we're able to "stick" to some sort of plan:)). We asked Dr. Wickstrom about delivery--- she said that she would want to take the twins at 37 weeks. Timeout-- my twin brother is getting married that day-- I'm not missing that. So Dr. Wickstrom agreed that we could deliver "during" the 37th week, basically anytime between Sept. 29 and Oct. 3. There is no indication at this point that says I would go any sooner than that, so we are hoping to get that date scheduled next week when we head back to my OB.<br />
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Nick and I began asking a few more questions about the actual delivery. What can we expect? Will there be a team there to try to "save" Peyton? What about surgery? The list goes on. We explained that we want to do everything we can in order to make sure that the diagnosis they have given Peyton is indeed correct. However, on the other hand, if it is correct, we don't want to waste any time not having the opportunity to spend with Peyton. Of course, we don't want to overshadow Preston either. We want to make sure that we are able to bond with Preston, nurse him, bathe him, etc. Our minds seriously move a million miles a minute when we start thinking about "birth day". After listening to Nick and I, Dr. Wickstrom recommended that we meet with the NEO NATO team at Shawnee Mission in order to determine what our options are the day of birth. She said that someone would call me this week to schedule.<br />
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So we have a plan. Somewhat. Or at least we're heading in the direction of <i>making</i> a plan. :)<br />
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After we got home, Nick and I decided that we should call Dr. Andrews--- our pediatrician, just to loop her in on what's been happening over the past month or so since we saw her in June with Kaylee. Dr. Andrews is seriously amazing. She ended up having a conversation with Dr. Wickstrom that same day and they decided that we should actually meet with the Fetal Health Team at Children's Mercy before meeting with the NEO NATO team. The team at Children's Mercy is the best of the best and they will do a series of tests, an MRI, echocardiogram, etc. in order to see if Peyton's lungs are developing, what pace, etc. Once we have met with them, they will help us formulate a plan. Nothing like shifting gears a little bit. But let me just say, Nick and I are not complaining. And we're not giving up hope. Thanks to Dr. Jen (Andrews), she listened to us and helped guide us in the direction we wanted to go without us even realizing that was the direction we wanted. Dr. Jen assured me that this would be the best option for us in order to determine just exactly what should or shouldn't be done on the boys' birth day.<br />
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We are currently waiting for a call back from Children's Mercy to set up our series of tests for the twins. We are anxious to find out exactly what we need to know for October. All of that said, we find ourselves a little overwhelmed with emotion. It's hard to imagine that day just yet because it seems like it is going to be a total whirlwind. We just want to make sure that we make the right decisions and have no regrets. We don't want the situation with Peyton to overshadow Preston, and on the other hand we can't even begin to fathom what we will feel like if we lose Peyton. We try not to think about it too much and instead are just keeping faith that God will guide us in the direction we need to go. In the meantime, we will try to keep asking the right questions in order to keep ourselves educated so that we are able to make the best decisions possible for us.<br />
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In as soon as 9 weeks, we will be meeting our boys. It is going to go faster than we think! Time to start decorating the nursery and getting some clothes for these little guys. The nesting will begin soon too I am sure!<br />
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Thank you all for your continued support!<br />
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Love,<br />
Nick, Ashley and KayleeAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13728822389356356770noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6173933713636121783.post-32062589532002396422014-07-18T08:31:00.000-07:002014-07-18T08:31:40.435-07:00In the blink of an eye. Everything can change. So forgive often and love with all your heart. You may never know when you may not have that chance again.It's so crazy how life turns up. I remember 5 years ago at this time, planning for our wedding. At the time, the "theme" for our wedding was "Live the Life You Love, Love the Life You Live". This has been a saying that has become our family motto, honestly, since then. These words ring true now more than ever. <div>
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I'm writing today, with no new update on the twins. I'm writing today, because we simply are overwhelmed by the amount of support that our family has received, from not only family and friends, but strangers and friends of friends (of friends:)). When our path changed a mere 11 weeks ago, we had no idea the impact that Peyton would have on people. We are humbled and honored by the outpouring of prayers from literally across the world. </div>
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This week, Nick and I spent a lot of time talking about what's next. After talking with my cousin, Father Danny, we knew that we needed to make a few phone calls to start lining up how we would honor Peyton. I honestly find myself laughing at the situation sometimes. When making a phone call to a funeral home to talk about burying our child, I seriously feel like I'm in college or something, doing a research project. I even joked with the lady at the cemetery that I'll probably be calling her in October to say, just kidding! We get to take our baby home! All humor aside, we have determined that if we indeed do not get to take our son home, that we will have a funeral here in KC and have Peyton buried at Resurrection Cemetery. They have a beautiful area designated specifically for children where he will be buried. It's one of those things that we don't necessarily want to think about, much less talk about out loud, but we decided it would be much easier to have these conversations now, as opposed to later.</div>
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Of course the other big discussion that Nick and I needed to have this week was how I am going to deliver these babies. This part is pretty emotional for me. I think back to when we had Kaylee, and it was seriously the best experience. The delivery was a breeze and Nick and I had ample time to spend with Kaylee, nursing her, holding her and hearing her first cries. When I begin to think about all of the "what-ifs" for this pregnancy, my mind literally starts to spin. After a long discussion, at this point, I think we are leaning towards opting for a planned c-section. This is purely selfish on my part, because this is literally the only thing that I can control. </div>
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There are a few things that are priorities for Nick and I when our boys enter this world. First and foremost, we want Kaylee to meet both of her brothers. We also want to make sure that Peyton is able to be baptized. My cousin has graciously offered to be there when Peyton is born to make sure that that is possible. We would also like our parents and siblings to have the opportunity to meet Peyton as well. And, we want to capture all of these moments through photographs so that someday, we can show Kaylee and Preston just how special of a day it was. The only way to guarantee that even some of these can happen is if we know "when" it will happen. At this point, after weighing all of our options, I think this is the best route for us to go.</div>
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We head back to both my OBGYN and our specialist next week to continue to monitor the progress that the boys are making. We have roughly 11 weeks left or so until we will be meeting our little miracles. </div>
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Today, we choose to live with gratitude, for the love that fills our hearts, the peace that rests within our spirits, and the voice of hope that says... all things are possible.</div>
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much <3,</div>
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Nick, Ashley and Kaylee</div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13728822389356356770noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6173933713636121783.post-8294359812105958852014-07-11T07:42:00.000-07:002014-07-11T09:13:39.415-07:00Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if one remembers to turn on the lightThe past month has been quite a month for our family. Full of happiness, full of family and friends, and full of change. One month ago, we moved to our beautiful new home. 3 weeks ago, we found out that Peyton might make it--- with signs of fluid! 2 weeks ago, we celebrated Kaylee's 2nd birthday with family and friends and gave Nick one heck of a surprise party for his 30th birthday. 1 week ago, we spent the entire weekend as a family of 3 (5), relaxing and enjoying the 4th of July holiday. It really has been a month full of excitement and happiness.<br />
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Yesterday, we headed back to our specialist, Dr. Wickstrom, to have another sonogram to determine if Peyton still had fluid or not. I can honestly say, that although we should have been prepared for the worst. We were not. We've been so focused on all of the good things going on in our life right now, that we honestly hadn't spent a lot of time thinking that our "good" news from 3 weeks ago would change. Until yesterday.<br />
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The sonogram went really well. For those of you that don't know. In a twin pregnancy, with sonograms, they always start with Baby A, and then move to Baby B. Preston, is A and Peyton is B. Preston is looking great! Moving around like crazy, we even saw him kicking his brother in the head several times. Nick and I couldn't help but laugh. He's growing literally on track, to the day. (I'll be 26 weeks tomorrow) He weighs 1 pound 13 ounces right now and is breech. A perfectly healthy baby boy.<br />
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By the time the sonographer had completed her measurements of Preston, I was literally exhausted. (45 minutes of looking at Preston). The anticipation of seeing Peyton was killing me. As the sonographer moved to Peyton, I felt a little relief. We weren't able to see his face right away because he was facing my back. But we could see all of his limbs-- his heart beating and him moving around too. In our last sonogram, they had expressed concern for scoliosis (curved spine). In this sonogram, we discovered that that was not the case. Peyton's spine is perfectly straight. I literally looked at Nick and said-- we've got this! If his spine is straight, that's amazing! They were also concerned about club feet. We weren't able to get a good look at Peyton's feet because of the way he was positioned, but I literally found myself saying-- that's something that can be fixed., he can live a happy healthy life too!<br />
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Now, I know that I should know better. After all, Nick and I had both said that we were not going to get our hopes up. But as parents, when you see firsthand all of these things that are so important for a healthy child, it's SO hard not to. Peyton is actually head down. Both he and Preston are laying with their heads next to each other. Peyton's stomach has shrunk considerably, but still has a small mass. He's weighing 1 pound 15 oz and is measuring about a week behind Preston. But, unfortunately, Peyton has almost zero fluid around his body. Thus, Peyton's lungs will not be able to develop correctly.<br />
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Honestly, Nick and I are both crushed. The pain and anxiety that have been building up over the past 10 weeks hit an all-time high. Dr. Wickstrom explained that we were back to where we were before 3 weeks ago. That Peyton will likely make it to birth, but will not survive past that.<br />
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No parent should ever have to go through this. Ever. It just doesn't seem fair. We still find ourselves caught in a fog. Finding it near impossible to believe that our son is actually going to die. Really? Is this how life is supposed to be? You live your whole life, feeling nearly invincible and suddenly you find it hard for even yourself to breath.<br />
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We are clinging to our faith right now. Of course, praying praying praying for a miracle for Peyton.<br />
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Today, is a new day. Today we begin the process of figuring our what's next. Focusing on a healthy Preston, and planning for how we can make Peyton more than just a memory.<br />
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Please continue to pray for us. Pray for strength as we have the tough conversations of burying our child. Pray for strength to celebrate BOTH of our twins. Pray for strength that we are strong for Kaylee. We can use all the prayers we can get right now.<br />
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Love,<br />
Nick, Ashley & Kaylee<br />
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Here are a few pictures of Peyton and Preston:<br />
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Babies' heads together. Preston is on the left. Peyton is on the right.</div>
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Peyton - profile pic</div>
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Preston - profile pic</div>
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Preston's foot</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13728822389356356770noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6173933713636121783.post-27839545108031220042014-06-20T12:27:00.001-07:002014-06-20T12:27:45.547-07:00Hope: a feeling of expectation for a certain thing to happenToday, Nick and I went back to our specialist, Dr. Wickstrom for another specialist appointment. As always, the night before these appointments, I found myself tossing and turning and not able to sleep with anticipation of what we would discover. I've been reading "I Will Carry You", a book about a mother who lost her little girl to somewhat of the same condition as Peyton. It talks about the journey this family took in ultimately, losing their child. But last night, I just couldn't shake this feeling--- this feeling of hope. I'm not really sure what I expected to be told today, but I was <i>hoping</i> for some news, a plan, something.<br />
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On our drive to the hospital, Nick and I began talking about all the endless possibilities that could happen to Peyton. Nick and I agreed-- if Peyton could <i>just</i> make it to birth so we could meet him and hold him, even if it was for just an hour, that would be a miracle in and of itself. <i>That</i>, is the goal that we wanted to set for Peyton. Of course-- we did agree, that we wanted to make sure that that option, by no means would harm Preston or myself.<br />
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There was absolutely no waiting around today. We were instantly greeted by our stenographer (lady that takes the ultra sounds), Jen, whom, I must add, is simply amazing. She's the kindest, nicest person ever. The second that Jen placed the device on my stomach, we were greeted by Peyton. Let me rephrase that, we could actually SEE Peyton. Peyton had fluid around him and was moving around and we were able to see every limb, every bit of everything. Tears instantly streamed down my face. As Nick scooted his chair closer to me so that neither of us would have to reach for one another's hand, I couldn't help but have more <i>hope</i>. Something that we would have never dreamt of even asking for, something as simple as being able to see everything we could of Preston was happening right before my eyes.<br />
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Miracles really do happen! Of course, this is only a small step, a baby step, at that. But, it is a miracle and a blessing in and of itself. I honestly could not wait for Dr. Wickstrom to enter the room to tell us what this all could mean. After laying there for over an hour, with Jen taking measurements and making sure that everything was growing and functioning properly with both Preston and Peyton, Dr. Wickstrom came in to talk to us.<br />
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Dr. Wickstrom had tears in her eyes as she began taking her own ultrasound of our precious little guys. She told us that she didn't want to get our hopes up, but that seeing fluid around Peyton was definitely a <i>good</i> thing. Of course, there is still a long way to go, but today, we have some hope. Some actual <i>good</i> news. Dr. Wickstrom explained that although there was fluid around Peyton, she couldn't explain how it had got there. It could be from an eruption of the bladder, or it could be from something she just couldn't explain. (Nick and I would chalk it up to all of <i>your</i> prayers). Dr. Wickstrom said that we would wait 3 weeks to come back to have Preston and Peyton checked again. If there is still fluid around Peyton, there may be a chance that he could make it past birth. Yes, you read that right, there's that sign of hope again! Of course, if there isn't any fluid in 3 weeks, that will tell us that the bladder, indeed, did rupture, and Peyton's chances of survival would be bleak.<br />
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So, I asked Dr. Wickstrom the question that has been on Nick and I's mind forever--- will we get to meet Peyton? Her response was that she thinks that our chances of meeting Peyton are greater now than they ever have been. She just isn't sure yet if we will get to <i>keep</i> him and take him home with us.<br />
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If we come back to her in 3 weeks, and Peyton continues to have fluid, we will begin running multiple tests to determine chromosone makeup and if there will be any other abnormalities/complications. There is possibility of a curved spine, potential clubbed feet, etc. Right now, we will focus on what we do know today.<br />
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What we know today: Preston is growing ahead of pace--- he's measuring at 24 weeks, I'll be 23 weeks tomorrow. He weighs 1 pound 5 oz and is <i>very</i> active. Peyton is growing about 1 week behind. He's measuring right around 22 weeks. He weighs 1 pound 12 ounces, but the extra weight is due to the fluid that is still in his abdomen. Peyton is equally as active as Preston. Preston is currently breech and Peyton is head down. Nick, Kaylee and I feel these precious babies move every single day.<br />
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Through all of this, many have asked how I've been feeling. Honestly, I feel great! Of course, there are the normal pregnancy complaints-- feeling tired and my sciatic nerve acting up, but honestly, I would never complain. Despite the fear and stress of the situation, I really do feel great.<br />
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Today's appointment went great, as far as Nick and I are concerned. We know that we still have a long road ahead of us, and that at our next appointment our situation could change again. But today, and for the next 3 weeks, we will focus on the hope that we've been given. As Nick and I left the hospital, Jen gave me the biggest hug and said that she had goosebumps from head to toe. She could literally <i>feel</i> the miracle of life that we were experiencing first hand. That is exactly the way we feel, goosebumps cover our body and we are energized with hope. God was definitely holding our hands today as we watched Preston and Peyton move all around in my tummy. God will continue to walk hand in hand with us through this journey.<br />
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We couldn't be more blessed to have our friends and family walking this journey with us as well. Thank you so much to everyone for your continued prayers and support. Please continue to pray for the miracle. We will forever be indebted to you all!<br />
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The greatest gift God has given us--- faith, hope and love. We are truly blessed to live every day with these.<br />
Nick, Ashley & KayleeAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13728822389356356770noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6173933713636121783.post-62860141082308360452014-06-09T13:40:00.000-07:002014-06-09T13:40:15.348-07:00It's all about the namePreston Edward and Peyton Michael Topping<br />
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From the time we found out that we were expecting twins, Nick and I instantly began rolling through our list of names from when we were expecting Kaylee. Adding a couple of new ones and removing a couple, we wanted to have the perfect names for our miracles. But more than just a name, we really wanted it to mean something.<br />
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Nick and I have known each other for 9 years and been "together" for 8, married for 5 in July. From literally the second I met Nick, he always talked about having a little boy named Preston. I mean, from seriously the second we started dating! Of course over the years, we would hear other names that we liked, adding them to our list, but Preston was still always at the top. When Nick and I had our first date (mind you, this was 6 months into dating--- yes, it took Nick 6 months to take me on our first "official" date), Nick began to tell me WHY he loved the name Preston so much. It was more than a name to him. Preston, had been his wrestling coach in high school. But he was more than a coach to Nick, he was like family. I close my eyes, and I can literally remember seeing Nick beaming with pride as he would tell me about his high school days and how Preston would help Nick, not just during practice, but sometimes at 4:30 in the morning, late evenings and weekends. And then he would head to work. Nick was so beyond amazed and impressed with this man that was so dedicated to him. He put every ounce of time he had into making Nick into not only a great wrestler, but a great man. Listening to Nick talk about someone like that, I could only hope and pray that we too would someday have a son that could be the type of leader and role model that Preston had been to Nick. So thus, Preston Edward Topping, you have big shoes to fill. But have no fear, your dad will be there every step of the way to make you into the man that we know you will be someday.<br />
<br />Preston's middle name, Edward, is incredibly special as well. Edward, was Nick's grandfather's name, his dad's middle name, and is both Nick and his brother Jeff's, middle name.<br />
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Peyton, is a name that Nick and I have always loved as well. The name Peyton means "from the fighter's farm". <i><b>People with this name have a deep inner desire to inspire others in a higher cause, and to share their own strongly held views on spiritual matters</b>. People with this name are excited by change, adventure, and excitement. They are dynamic, visionary and versatile, able to make constructive use of freedom. They fight being restricted by rules and conventions. They tend to be optimistic, energetic, intelligent, and to make friends easily. They may be changeable, restless, untidy and rebellious. </i><br />
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I couldn't think of a better name for our precious Baby B, than Peyton. He is truly a fighter, showing us the strength he has every day by letting not only myself, but Nick and Kaylee feel him move around inside me. He continues to grow and has a very strong heart. We hope that Peyton's story will inspire others in a higher cause. We know that he will do great things standing at God's side and Nick, Kaylee and I couldn't be prouder of him.<br />
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Peyton's middle name, Michael, is equally special. As this is my dad and my twin brother, Adam's middle name.<br />
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We'd like to officially introduce to you, our sons, Preston Edward and Peyton Michael.</div>
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Love and blessings,</div>
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Nick, Ashley & Kaylee</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13728822389356356770noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6173933713636121783.post-80644866781469993622014-05-28T08:50:00.000-07:002014-05-28T08:50:54.291-07:00I believe in miraclesThe past couple of weeks have been nothing but a whirlwind. With little to no sleep, and a very active almost-2 year old, this mom is exhausted!<br />
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Last Friday, Nick and I went back to the specialist. After a very sleepless night, I was beyond anxious to get in there and see my little guys. Now, if you know me, you know that I like to build relationships with people. Nick will tell you that I spend too much time asking people questions and getting to know them, but hey--- what can you expect?! I am a woman after all, and I work from home all day.<br />
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The 2D Sonogram started off pretty good. Actually, really good. It was such a relief to see both of our guys moving around and growing. Baby A, was literally doing flips inside me. Looks like he's going to be just like his big sister! Baby A is still right on track, measuring about 1 week ahead, which is totally normal for twins. He weighed approximately 10 oz. Baby B, although lagging behind his brother, is still growing. He still has a strong heart rate and moves around just like his brother. It's pretty painful to look at the monitor when they're showing Baby B. I mean, his heart is perfect. His brain is perfect. How can 2 things that you would seriously consider to be life or death, be made so perfectly and then something that seems so simple, mess everything up?! Baby B's stomach continues to grow. Which we discovered is not a good thing. This can actually impact Baby A, and possibly send me into labor. Of course, it's still early and they can't be sure of anything.<br />
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The doctor we saw this time, was not the same one as last time. Remember how I said I like to build relationships? Well, this guy was not having it. Instead he was totally impersonable, and acting like Baby B was a thing, instead of a child. He continually said that it would just be best if nature were to take it's course. I seriously wanted to leap off that table and punch that guy in the throat. Anger aside, this doctor was very concerned about Baby A and my health as the pregnancy progresses if Baby B continues to grow. He is actually weighing a pound and a half at this point. (mainly because of the mass in his stomach) He indicated that we may need to look at amniocentesis to relieve some of the fluid from his stomach at some point. But of course, we don't know when that will be. This doctor also made it sound like it was more likely for Baby B to make it to birth (and not survive) than to pass sometime before then.<br />
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After leaving the specialist, I found myself beyond angry. I could barely contain my frustration. I mean, this doctor didn't tell me anything that I didn't already know, but yet, I found myself mad. Just downright mad. Was it the way he treated Nick and I? Probably. Needless to say, I am beyond blessed to have Nick and that we are going through this together. He does a great job at trying to distract me and make me laugh (even when I don't want to. :)). Through all of this, Nick and I both agree, we have to do whatever is best for Baby A and me. Needless to say, Nick has more than stepped up and plays both mom and dad most evenings, when I find myself with little to no energy. Seriously, what a Godsend.<br />
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Yesterday, we went in to see my OB, Dr. Lynch. What a breath of fresh air. Of course, I trust my doctor and he really helped relieve the stress I was feeling. Something about talking to a professional that actually acts like he cares... man! Dr. Lynch agreed that we need to be seen on a weekly basis to continue to monitor the babies. So next week, we go back to the specialist and the week after, we'll be back to see Dr. Lynch.<br />
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Dr. Lynch said I'm measuring around 22 weeks and he found both of the boys' heartbeats instantly. Both still very strong. I expressed some concern to Dr. Lynch regarding some cramping that I've been having. Nothing serious, but enough that I notice it and he prescribed me a muscle relaxer. Oh how I am so thankful for this. Last night was the first night that I have actually slept more than an hour in weeks. It felt amazing.<br />
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As the weeks continue, we continue to pray for the miracle for Baby B. We have seriously been so blessed to be supported and prayed for by SO many people. To every person that has said a prayer, sent a card, or offered to help, THANK YOU! Nick, Kaylee and I couldn't be more lucky to have you all in our lives. We will get through this together.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13728822389356356770noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6173933713636121783.post-52041260983672947372014-05-13T10:46:00.000-07:002014-05-13T10:46:10.878-07:00No news is good news...Today we had our follow up appointment with my OB, Dr. Lynch. We talked through several of the questions that Nick and I came up with over the past week. Questions like, what about delivery? Can I try to have a "normal" birth, or do I have to plan for a c-section? The answer-- you can plan for a normal birth, given Baby A isn't breech. A sigh of relief.<br />
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Do we know how long Baby B will make it? Right now, Baby B has a strong heart beat. Still at 158. Dr. Wickstrom will be able to tell us more next week at our sonogram. There is a chance that he could make it all the way to delivery, but Dr. Lynch said that it will be easier on me if that isn't the case. Hmmm... I still don't know what I think of that. Dr. Lynch encouraged us to name the boys so that we can begin referring them by their names. Nick and I agree, and are on a mission to find the perfect names for our boys.<br />
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The past week has literally been a lot of ups and downs. We spent the weekend with Nick's family, which was a great distraction. We kept busy and Kaylee absolutely loved playing with her cousins. Nick made Mother's Day a great day for me and I felt very blessed to be part of such a loving family.<br />
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It's safe to say that Nick and I still feel like this whole thing is very surreal. Like we're reading a book about someone else. We're both very matter of fact about what's going on, but haven't really absorbed everything that is going to happen over the next 5 months. Is this part of the process? We're in denial? Probably.<br />
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I can say this, we are SO excited to have a little baby boy this fall. It's pretty cool that Nick's son will get to carry on the "Gary Topping" name for his family. My mom bought Baby A his first outfits last week, of course anyone that knows Nick, knows that those outfits couldn't be more perfect, as they are orange and navy blue. These same colors will be part of our little guy's nursery. Thanks mom!<br />
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Nick, Kaylee and I would like to sincerely thank every single person that has sent a note, prayed for us, or been a listening ear. We have been overwhelmed by the support we have received in such a short period of time. We know that we have a tough road ahead, and we ask that you continue to pray for us. Please also pray for thankfulness. Thankfulness that Baby A is healthy, that I am healthy, that Baby B has a bigger plan than any of us here on Earth can imagine.<br />
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In all of this, Nick and I are reminded not to take anything for granted. And we hug each other a little more each day.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13728822389356356770noreply@blogger.com0