I don't know about you --- but, I feel like I blinked and the summer flashed before my eyes. If you're like me, you may be welcoming the routine back to everyone's daily grind. 🙋
Life with children keeps things interesting. Especially in the mornings (and evenings). Well, anytime in general. :) One of my favorite parts of my mornings is when our 2.5 year old wakes up and exclaims 'good morning!' He then insists on singing 'you are my sunshine' at the top of his lungs and giving hugs and kisses to 'his babies' --- as he likes to call them. It honestly is the best way to start the day. Full of smiles and happiness.
Through the hustle of the morning, it's easy to lose sight of these special moments, memories in the making if you will. It's so easy to just go through the motions and not allow yourself to take it all in.
Go mode.
Raising four kids under 5, we've quickly found some things that help our mornings run a little smoother, so that we can enjoy the little things and not feel so rushed or frustrated in the mornings. Don't get me wrong-- we all have our moments, but if the good outweighs the sometimes overwhelming moments, that is what matters, right?
1. Lay out your clothes and your kids' clothes the night before.
Not sure about you, but I have a 5 year old that thinks she's 15 and insists on being the best dressed child in her class. We spend A LOT of time preparing her outfit for the day --- accessories and all. This really helps eliminate unnecessary stress. I know that when I ask her to get dressed for the day, there will be no arguments or time spent deciding, because we've already spent that time together the night before. Not to mention, having my own clothes out, makes things go quicker. Even Preston enjoys picking his clothes out and surprising us by dressing himself.
2. Shower the night before.
I used to say that I could't wake up in the mornings if I didn't take a shower. THAT was before I had four kids and had to get out the door in the mornings to drop off at three different locations. Now, I find that if I shower at night, I'm able to get around much quicker and it just makes me feel more prepared in the mornings.
3. Meal prep!
I like to spend my weekends preparing our meals for the week. This could be as simple as writing down your menu for the week. OR, take it a step further and make up a few menu items. I like to prepare my overnight oats for the week so that all I have to do is grab it out of the fridge for breakfast in the mornings. I also like to make a "sheet pan" meal that can be divided up for lunches for the week. This makes it super easy for me to grab and go, and prevents eating out.
I'll blog a little more later about more details on meal prep.
4. Pack your bags.
Lunch? Laptop? Kids homework? Forms need signed? Pack it all up the night before. Don't wait for the morning. By preparing yourself for the upcoming day, you're setting yourself up for a calm, stress-free morning. I pack up everyone's bags and have them easily accessible to grab by the garage door (or in the fridge). Then as I am walking out the door, I grab and go!
5. Wake up before your kids.
With littles this can be easier said than done sometimes. However, getting a jump start on the day before little hands and feet are up helps.so.much! Sometimes I treat my mornings like a checklist--- how much can I get done before the kids wake up?! Makeup✔ Teeth Brushed✔ Hair ✔✔✔
A common theme resonates with all of these.
Be prepared.
By spending a little extra time prep time in the evenings getting things ready, your mornings end up being stress-free and enjoyable. Maybe, just maybe, you'll have a few extra minutes to sit and enjoy a cup of (mo)jo and watch your kids play before the day gets going. After all, isn't that how we all want to start our day?
Topping Twins
Wednesday, August 23, 2017
Monday, August 21, 2017
F O U R tips to make your travel run smooth(er)
I have this conversation with my mom almost daily. Life is
backwards.
We should really be retired from about 30-50 years of age.
While we’re raising our kids. Sometimes, missing milestones we would rather be
in person for, as opposed to getting a picture or video on our phone of our
sweet littles; taking their first step, being cute, or ornery.
Fortunately, or unfortunately --- it’s 2017. And that just
isn’t always possible. I’d love to be a stay-at-home mom. However, I do enjoy
working, and the hubby says I need a job too. :)
I’m fortunate to have had a job that allows me to work from
home. However, I find myself hopping on a plane every month. As a mom, this
could be stressful for some. So today, I’m giving you my top F O U R tips to make
your travel experience run smooth.
1 1. Shower the night before.
Waking up bright and early for a 6:30 AM flight is hard enough. I literally shave about 25 minutes off my “getting ready” routine in the morning by doing this. Sleep or shower, wash and dry your hair? I choose sleep. I also lay out my clothes that I plan to wear for the day, as well as my makeup --- making everything easily accessible. If possible, have your suitcase in your car and your laptop bag on the kitchen counter, ready to grab on your way out the door. Anyway you can prepare in advance makes your morning run smoother!
Waking up bright and early for a 6:30 AM flight is hard enough. I literally shave about 25 minutes off my “getting ready” routine in the morning by doing this. Sleep or shower, wash and dry your hair? I choose sleep. I also lay out my clothes that I plan to wear for the day, as well as my makeup --- making everything easily accessible. If possible, have your suitcase in your car and your laptop bag on the kitchen counter, ready to grab on your way out the door. Anyway you can prepare in advance makes your morning run smoother!
2. Find the family restroom.
Are you a pumping momma? Find the family
restroom. Most airports, unfortunately, do not have special pumping rooms. And
those that do, are typically located on the complete opposite end of the
airport that I need to be on. Tip – find the family restroom. You can use the
changing table to set yourself up, plug your pump/phone, etc. in and it’s
typically MUCH cleaner than the floor of a public restroom.
3. Travel light.
I don’t know about you, but when I get back from wherever I’ve gone, I am just
READY to be home. Like, now. Who has time, or wants to spend the time waiting
at baggage claim? I swear it adds another 30 minutes to my time from getting
home. Master packing exactly what you need, so a carry on is sufficient to your
travel. Then, you’re walking off your plane and getting to your car in no
time! -- some tips to travel light?
Rewear pants and shoes! This really cuts down on what you need to pack! A lot
of times I will only bring the shoes that are on my feet!
4. What happens with dad stays with dad.
I’ve learned that things always go smoothly
when I just live and let go. Sometimes, that means the kids may be eating a
Happy Meal (or two) while I’m away. You know what? That’s perfectly fine. As
long as the kids are safe and happy, THAT is all that matters. In the end, when
I let dad do things the way he naturally would, everything seems to run
SO.MUCH.BETTER! Although my super type-A self would love to be in control of
every situation, I do smile at the fact that my husband is fully capable and
totally rocks Mr. Mom from time to time.
Remember, at the end of the day, you're not in this alone. Whether you're a working momma, a work-from home momma or a stay-at-home momma --- we all at some point or another have to travel from time to time. Relax, and enjoy. Things like FaceTime and camera phones make the time away go faster and a little easier!
Friday, April 28, 2017
Perfectly Perfect
So I'm going to let you in on a little secret, Nick and I are super OCD. For those of you that know us, you're probably laughing, saying, yeahhhhh we know that! No joke!
When Nick and I learned of Hudson's limb difference last fall, it totally rocked our world. The news completely came out of left field and we definitely were not expecting anything but a completely healthy pregnancy and healthy children. Our 16 week ultrasound would confirm our hopes and just a short three weeks later we would be thrown for a loop.
Worry.
That's what the next 18 weeks would consist of. Lots and lots of worry.
What if something else was wrong?
Could they be wrong with Baby B's diagnosis?
So many questions, thoughts and feelings swarmed our minds from the time Hudson was diagnosed until he was born.
I can't even begin to tell you just how bad my anxiety was the remainder of my pregnancy. And I would be lying if I didn't say I felt robbed of my pregnancy. I really enjoy being pregnant. Being our final pregnancy, I wanted to enjoy every single second. Every move, kick, sleepless night. I wanted it ALL. I definitely did my best to enjoy it, but I was downright exhausted and this pregnancy definitely took a toll on me emotionally. I've always wanted to be a twin momma, and I constantly worried that this opportunity was going to be taken from me. Again.
January 24th was seriously a day that I know God and Peyton sat on each side of me, as we brought two beautiful Angels on Earth, into this world. At that instant, I knew that everything, and I mean everything, would be okay. Seeing Hayden and Hudson, I was overcome with emotion and found myself speechless. They were simply perfect.
Perfectly perfect.
All of the worry, tears and sleepless nights -- they were completely worth it. Because guess what, it's JUST AN ARM!! Nick and I have been through SO much worse. And, despite our OCD tendencies and longing for perfection, Hudson has given us a knew perspective and definition of perfection.
Hudson has been diagnosed with right below elbow amputation or R UE congenital limb.
What does this mean? Hudson's right arm simply stopped forming a little past his elbow. He has five small fingers that will remain small. He has both bones that would typically grow in your arm, but they do not have the growth plate to make them grow. His upper arm is the same length as it is on his left side. This is not something that is hereditary. To our knowledge, we have no limb differences in either of our families. And, this is not amniotic banding. It cannot be explained why Hudson's arm formed the way it did. A fluke.
And that's basically it. He will grow up simply knowing no different. And I have no doubt whatsoever that he will thrive and do amazing things.
Are Nick and I worried about what other's will think/say about Hudson's arm? Simple answer. Yes. Of course we are. The world can be cruel and unfair. But life is unfair sometimes, and it's how we react to situations that matter most. If we all saw the world through the eyes of a child, I think there would be a lot less hurt and judgement. Hudson was over a month old before Kaylee even noticed his arm. ONE month people!! She's 4.5! And anyone that knows Kaylee, knows you don't get anything past her. One day, Kaylee came up to me and said, 'hey mom -- look at Hudson's arm! Why isn't my arm like that?' Nick and I explained to her that Hudson has a lucky arm and she quickly chimed in
'well yeah, because God makes us different. We don't want to be the same or we'd all be boring.' Goodness I love that girl.
We will continue to take Hudson to Children's Mercy for evaluation and physical and occupational therapy. He has the option of being fitted for a prosthetic at six months old. Nick and I aren't sure what our thoughts are on prosthetics and we are letting Hudson and prayer guide us to our decision.
The next chapter of our story has opened and I'm excited to take you all with us on our journey.
#toppingtwinsparttwo
Hello there! It's been quite a while. A lot has happened over the past 13 weeks. The twins made their arrival and haven't missed a beat since then! Our family is truly complete, and we couldn't be more thankful or blessed to be living the life that we truly love.
January 24, 2017, Hayden Lane and Hudson Jay made their grand appearance via c-section. This is the first time that my OB has actually been able to deliver any of our children! The moment that Kaylee and Preston met their baby brothers is something that Nick and I will remember forever. Pure joy, excitement and happiness from them both and they couldn't have been any cuter hugging and kissing their brothers, welcoming them with open arms into our family.
January 24, 2017, Hayden Lane and Hudson Jay made their grand appearance via c-section. This is the first time that my OB has actually been able to deliver any of our children! The moment that Kaylee and Preston met their baby brothers is something that Nick and I will remember forever. Pure joy, excitement and happiness from them both and they couldn't have been any cuter hugging and kissing their brothers, welcoming them with open arms into our family.
Hayden Lane Topping
6 lbs. 9 oz. | 21 inches long
Hudson Jay Topping
5 lbs 12 oz. |19.75 inches long
We have settled in pretty nicely as a family of 6+ and it's hard to image life before the twins. We've managed to establish a pretty great routine and have lots of helping hands from our little helpers, Kaylee and Preston. Hayden and Hudson adore their older brother and sister and often greet them with smiles and coos. By eightish weeks old, they were sleeping through the night and developed a great napping schedule.
Thank you for all of the kind words, well wishes, meals, gifts and so much more the past several months. We are forever thankful, grateful and blessed to have such amazing family and friends.
Wednesday, October 5, 2016
God will carry you
Prayer really works. Plain and simple.
3.5 weeks ago when we found out that one of the twins was missing his right arm, simply put, Nick and I were devastated. But, the troops rallied, dropped to their knees and began once again, praying for our family.
We are blessed.
We felt every prayer, read every note, and have appreciated every card, meal and gesture made towards us. Our hearts are truly full. Full of love, full of faith, and full of peace. Your prayers surrounded us in warmth and comforted us when we needed it the most.
The past few weeks have been a bit of a roller coaster. It may seem silly. We are just talking about an arm. However, worry can be toxic and really hurts our hearts at times.
Last week, we were finally able to get to Children's Mercy for a four-hour sonogram and consult with the team there. Let me just say this - Children's Mercy is amazing. And Alicia, our sonogram technician is phenomenal. We had her when we went there with Preston and Peyton and she seriously is just the best. Anyways--- the sonogram was very long. For a momma that is struggling with severe sciatic nerve pain, it was a little uncomfortable, but it's par for the course. The boys were literally spinning in circles while the sonogram was happening. Just to paint a picture --- Baby A, when we started the sono, was on my right side, head down. By the end of the sonogram, he was breach, still on my right side. Baby B, started out transverse to the right of Baby A. By the end, he was laying sideways across my stomach under my rib cage.
All of that being said, my point is, that these boys were giving our sonogram tech a run for her money. In the midst of scanning Baby B--- I thought I could see what would be his right arm. You read that right. Baby B looked like he had a right arm
! Trying not to be rude, I asked the sono tech if that was what I was seeing and she nonchalantly said yes and continued to scan. Then, it was like a light clicked on and she paused and said, wait--- which arm were you concerned about? I responded, saying we thought he didn't have a right arm. So - she changed gears and began to focus on that arm. We discovered that Baby B does have a fully developing upper right arm. His lower arm (the radius and ulna bones) are both there, however, they are measuring short. Think of about a third of your forearm. The sono tech was also able to see five finger bones. Yes--- you read that right too. Now, these bones are probably more fist like than anything, but this is SO much better than we had initially thought.
Baby A's sono went pretty well too. They found an echogenic focus on the left ventricle of his heart; however, there are no other indicators/signs for us to be concerned about that at this point. They will continue to monitor this over the coming weeks.
After the sonogram, we met with the team; a neonatologist, occupational therapist and geneticist. They all provided the same information, basically saying that we won't know if there is anything else wrong with Baby B until he is born. They also provided information on what to expect once Baby B is here, how he will naturally adjust, etc. (There are several syndromes that can come with a limb deficiency, however, we are not going to think about any of those until they can actually evaluate him upon arrival).
Late last week, we met with both our pediatrician and my OB. Let me also say how much I love my OB. Nick and I walked out of his office completely different people. We felt so at peace and confident with the future. (again- prayers are so powerful) I'm not sure if it's because we've been seeing him for seven years or just his presentation of information. He just had a way of making us feel empowered and at peace.
We are officially scheduled for a c-section delivery on January 24th. We will deliver at Shawnee Mission Medical Center.
At the end of the day, it IS just an arm. We are going to be one very happy family of six + 1 very special angel who just so happens to keep reminding us to keep the faith. Throughout all of this, we've cried, screamed and laughed until we cried. What we've discovered is just how important our faith is. And also, just how important we are to each other.
Hebrews 4:16
"Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in the time of need."
Thank you all for showing us grace and providing us the strength we need to continue our journey.
Our story isn't over yet.
3.5 weeks ago when we found out that one of the twins was missing his right arm, simply put, Nick and I were devastated. But, the troops rallied, dropped to their knees and began once again, praying for our family.
We are blessed.
We felt every prayer, read every note, and have appreciated every card, meal and gesture made towards us. Our hearts are truly full. Full of love, full of faith, and full of peace. Your prayers surrounded us in warmth and comforted us when we needed it the most.
The past few weeks have been a bit of a roller coaster. It may seem silly. We are just talking about an arm. However, worry can be toxic and really hurts our hearts at times.
Last week, we were finally able to get to Children's Mercy for a four-hour sonogram and consult with the team there. Let me just say this - Children's Mercy is amazing. And Alicia, our sonogram technician is phenomenal. We had her when we went there with Preston and Peyton and she seriously is just the best. Anyways--- the sonogram was very long. For a momma that is struggling with severe sciatic nerve pain, it was a little uncomfortable, but it's par for the course. The boys were literally spinning in circles while the sonogram was happening. Just to paint a picture --- Baby A, when we started the sono, was on my right side, head down. By the end of the sonogram, he was breach, still on my right side. Baby B, started out transverse to the right of Baby A. By the end, he was laying sideways across my stomach under my rib cage.
All of that being said, my point is, that these boys were giving our sonogram tech a run for her money. In the midst of scanning Baby B--- I thought I could see what would be his right arm. You read that right. Baby B looked like he had a right arm
! Trying not to be rude, I asked the sono tech if that was what I was seeing and she nonchalantly said yes and continued to scan. Then, it was like a light clicked on and she paused and said, wait--- which arm were you concerned about? I responded, saying we thought he didn't have a right arm. So - she changed gears and began to focus on that arm. We discovered that Baby B does have a fully developing upper right arm. His lower arm (the radius and ulna bones) are both there, however, they are measuring short. Think of about a third of your forearm. The sono tech was also able to see five finger bones. Yes--- you read that right too. Now, these bones are probably more fist like than anything, but this is SO much better than we had initially thought.
Baby A's sono went pretty well too. They found an echogenic focus on the left ventricle of his heart; however, there are no other indicators/signs for us to be concerned about that at this point. They will continue to monitor this over the coming weeks.
After the sonogram, we met with the team; a neonatologist, occupational therapist and geneticist. They all provided the same information, basically saying that we won't know if there is anything else wrong with Baby B until he is born. They also provided information on what to expect once Baby B is here, how he will naturally adjust, etc. (There are several syndromes that can come with a limb deficiency, however, we are not going to think about any of those until they can actually evaluate him upon arrival).
Late last week, we met with both our pediatrician and my OB. Let me also say how much I love my OB. Nick and I walked out of his office completely different people. We felt so at peace and confident with the future. (again- prayers are so powerful) I'm not sure if it's because we've been seeing him for seven years or just his presentation of information. He just had a way of making us feel empowered and at peace.
We are officially scheduled for a c-section delivery on January 24th. We will deliver at Shawnee Mission Medical Center.
At the end of the day, it IS just an arm. We are going to be one very happy family of six + 1 very special angel who just so happens to keep reminding us to keep the faith. Throughout all of this, we've cried, screamed and laughed until we cried. What we've discovered is just how important our faith is. And also, just how important we are to each other.
Hebrews 4:16
"Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in the time of need."
Thank you all for showing us grace and providing us the strength we need to continue our journey.
Our story isn't over yet.
Tuesday, September 13, 2016
My journey hasn't been easy, but I'm still...
"My journey hasn't been easy, but I'm still... standing, laughing, forgiving, loving, learning & living. I'm perfectly imperfect."
We all have a plan in life. One, that, although I would love to have control over, I do not. Simply put, God's plan is much greater than I could imagine. And, unfortunately, it is something that I cannot just pull my magic eight ball out to see what my future entails.
The thing is, when they talk about mother's intuition, there really is some truth to that. You see, I can distinctly remember having a conversation with my mom several months ago saying that I really wanted to write a book. Share our story, so that others out there going through something similar could use my writing as an outlet for coping. I ended the conversation saying, that I want to write it, but my story wasn't complete yet. I just felt like there was more.
When I found out we were expecting twins again, I knew this was my "more" to the story. I couldn't help but think we were getting a second chance to raise twins.
The saying "God doesn't give you more than you can handle," is really a saying I'm getting tired of these days though.
Yesterday, I woke up ready to conquer the world. I read a few blogs before starting my day and even shared a post about everyone going through struggles and how we handle them. That afternoon, we went to Shawnee Mission Medical Center for our 20-week sonogram and high-risk appointment. We weren't being labeled as high risk, for any other reason, other than the fact that we were expecting twins again, and with our history, my OB wanted to play it safe. I'm good with safe. I'm good with a plan.
About half-way into our sonogram, Nick sent me a text. "I'm nervous", is all it said.
On pins and needles and an hour and 45 minutes of scanning later, the sonographer informed us that she needed to talk to Dr. Wickstrom, our specialist. Nick and I knew immediately that something was indeed wrong. Panic was setting in. I knew there was a reason I hadn't slept the night before. Tossing and turning, but not really sure why.
Dr. Wickstrom informed us that Baby A was perfectly healthy. Brain and heart look great. Growing right on track and a very active baby boy.
Baby B's (another sweet baby boy) heart and brain looked good (I actually had to call to confirm this after the fact - everything is such a blur), and he was measuring right on track. However, it appears that his right arm did not form the way it should have. If I stood here and told you that I held my head up high and remained strong when we were given this news, I would be lying. I was a complete wreck. I couldn't contain my tears, or my emotions. I literally felt like I was in a crazy dream. Someone pinch me so I could just wake up from this nightmare.
There is really no explanation for why this happened. And no explanation for how either.
We are automatically being referred to the team at Children's Mercy. We will meet with an orthopedic surgeon and a whole team of doctors there to discuss Baby B and his future. We understand that he will have surgeries in his future. We just do not know when or how often or any details really, right now. We hope to know more in the coming weeks once we have made our visit to CM.
Now, this by no means will impact if Baby B will survive or not. He WILL survive. Does this mean that he will live a different life than his twin brother? Not if I have a say. He might have to adjust how he does things, but with technology and strong-willed parents, he WILL persevere.
Despite being heartbroken that we are once again, faced with hardship, I am confident that we will look back on this moment in time and it will be a small memory compared to what the future holds for Baby B. This is a trying time in our lives and is truly a test of our faith, our marriage, and everything in between. It's only been almost two years since Peyton passed away-- something that may seem like "just an arm" has stirred up emotions we didn't know existed.
Please pray for strength for our family. Pray that we remain each other's rock and that we continue to lean on our faith to pull us through. Going through something like this is not easy. It plain sucks, and we find ourselves questioning what the purpose of all of this is. Pray for us today, but tomorrow, pray for our son. Pray for his future and that this is all we are dealing with.
"it's not the disability that defines you; it's how you deal with the challenges the disability presents you with." - Jim Abbott
We all have a plan in life. One, that, although I would love to have control over, I do not. Simply put, God's plan is much greater than I could imagine. And, unfortunately, it is something that I cannot just pull my magic eight ball out to see what my future entails.
The thing is, when they talk about mother's intuition, there really is some truth to that. You see, I can distinctly remember having a conversation with my mom several months ago saying that I really wanted to write a book. Share our story, so that others out there going through something similar could use my writing as an outlet for coping. I ended the conversation saying, that I want to write it, but my story wasn't complete yet. I just felt like there was more.
When I found out we were expecting twins again, I knew this was my "more" to the story. I couldn't help but think we were getting a second chance to raise twins.
The saying "God doesn't give you more than you can handle," is really a saying I'm getting tired of these days though.
Yesterday, I woke up ready to conquer the world. I read a few blogs before starting my day and even shared a post about everyone going through struggles and how we handle them. That afternoon, we went to Shawnee Mission Medical Center for our 20-week sonogram and high-risk appointment. We weren't being labeled as high risk, for any other reason, other than the fact that we were expecting twins again, and with our history, my OB wanted to play it safe. I'm good with safe. I'm good with a plan.
About half-way into our sonogram, Nick sent me a text. "I'm nervous", is all it said.
On pins and needles and an hour and 45 minutes of scanning later, the sonographer informed us that she needed to talk to Dr. Wickstrom, our specialist. Nick and I knew immediately that something was indeed wrong. Panic was setting in. I knew there was a reason I hadn't slept the night before. Tossing and turning, but not really sure why.
Dr. Wickstrom informed us that Baby A was perfectly healthy. Brain and heart look great. Growing right on track and a very active baby boy.
Baby B's (another sweet baby boy) heart and brain looked good (I actually had to call to confirm this after the fact - everything is such a blur), and he was measuring right on track. However, it appears that his right arm did not form the way it should have. If I stood here and told you that I held my head up high and remained strong when we were given this news, I would be lying. I was a complete wreck. I couldn't contain my tears, or my emotions. I literally felt like I was in a crazy dream. Someone pinch me so I could just wake up from this nightmare.
There is really no explanation for why this happened. And no explanation for how either.
We are automatically being referred to the team at Children's Mercy. We will meet with an orthopedic surgeon and a whole team of doctors there to discuss Baby B and his future. We understand that he will have surgeries in his future. We just do not know when or how often or any details really, right now. We hope to know more in the coming weeks once we have made our visit to CM.
Now, this by no means will impact if Baby B will survive or not. He WILL survive. Does this mean that he will live a different life than his twin brother? Not if I have a say. He might have to adjust how he does things, but with technology and strong-willed parents, he WILL persevere.
Despite being heartbroken that we are once again, faced with hardship, I am confident that we will look back on this moment in time and it will be a small memory compared to what the future holds for Baby B. This is a trying time in our lives and is truly a test of our faith, our marriage, and everything in between. It's only been almost two years since Peyton passed away-- something that may seem like "just an arm" has stirred up emotions we didn't know existed.
Please pray for strength for our family. Pray that we remain each other's rock and that we continue to lean on our faith to pull us through. Going through something like this is not easy. It plain sucks, and we find ourselves questioning what the purpose of all of this is. Pray for us today, but tomorrow, pray for our son. Pray for his future and that this is all we are dealing with.
"it's not the disability that defines you; it's how you deal with the challenges the disability presents you with." - Jim Abbott
Sunday, June 19, 2016
"...we have not stopped praying for you..."
Can you believe that in just a few short months Preston will celebrate his 2nd birthday?! On this Father's Day, I find myself overwhelmed with the happiest of emotions and longing even more for Peyton to be here.
Also on this day, Nick, Kaylee, Preston and I drop to our knees in thankfulness and full of prayer.
I'll cut right to the chase. :) Preston is pretty excited to announce that he is going to be a BIG brother!!
But, our story doesn't stop there. Our rainbow baby, is something I have dreamt about for so long now. Anyone that knows me, knows that I have always wanted a big family. When you ask me how many kids I want, I jokingly have always said, "I'd have ten kids if Nick would let me." All kidding aside, I knew that I wanted a bigger family, and so did Nick. On May 24th, we found out we were expecting. A crazy, happy day! We could hardly believe our eyes. So much so, that we took NINE tests to confirm we were right.
On June 17th, we headed to our OB, Dr. Lynch for our first sonogram and appointment. Of course, I was super excited, and nervous. I had told Nick, he should be prepared, I was convinced we were having twins, and Nick of course told me I was crazy and we were on our way.
Into the sono we went and within seconds.... there it was.
The sonographer didn't even have to say it, Nick and I both knew instantly. TWINS.
Tears, lots of laughter and smiles and a little freaking out were in the moments immediately following. Shock and pure excitement too. Dr. Lynch was certainly surprised. He even stated that in the 30 years he's been practicing medicine, he has never had a couple conceive twins naturally, twice, much less back to back. Little did he know that I have TWO family members that have (My dad's mom had two sets of identical twins back to back and my mom's grandmother had two sets too!). And here we are, carrying on the tradition.
I can't begin to tell you how happy, excited, nervous and scared we are. I cannot wait for the day that we are holding our sweet babies in our arms. I am confident that these babies will both be coming home with us. And I know that our family will be complete when we do. In the coming months, continue to pray for us. Pray for strength and pray for healthy babies.
Welcome to our next chapter. One that I know we will truly enjoy and live to the fullest.
"Pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for You." -- First Thessalonians 5:17-18
Wednesday, October 7, 2015
In the arms of an angel - one year later
And I'm here to tell you, we survived. I feel like we should all applaud, pat ourselves on the back, or if Kaylee had her way, we would all shout HOORAY! We did it! We actually made it through a year that I was absolutely terrified of facing.
I'll never forget the day that I sat in my hospital bed begging my doctor not to dismiss me from the hospital. Tears rolled down my cheeks, as I explained to her how scared I was to go home. Now, while most people may find this to seem a little silly, it to me, is not. Going home meant that what seemed like my worst nightmare, was indeed reality. Going home, meant that I was going to have to stand in front of family and friends as we buried my son. No pinching necessary, this was real life.
Despite my angst, after five days in the hospital, we went home. And you know what? I went to sleep in tears that night. It sucked. And the next day, Nick and I went out to buy an outfit for our son to be buried in. At the time, it seemed so surreal. What we should have been doing was picking out an outfit to baptize Peyton in. But, instead, that was not the case. The funny thing is--- I had actually ordered an outfit for Peyton a few months prior, but it just didn't seem like the "right" one. So--- in my sense of crazy, Nick and I went on the adventure looking for the perfect outfit. Seems like such a small detail, but it was a detail that I knew that we would forever remember.
I want you all to know that the pain does not go away. It doesn't. There isn't a single day, or a single second, for that matter, that I don't think about my son. I sometimes wake up in the middle of the night, sweating, terrified that I have forgotten what Peyton looked like, what color was his hair? His eyes? What did he weigh again? For those that know me, you know that my memory is typically really good. I can tell you what nearly every classmate from kindergarten's birthday is. I just remember. It's a funny thing what grief can do to your mind. You forget. And then, you remember again. Sometimes--- it's just a matter of getting through the fog.
Although the pain does not go away, you do learn how to manage it. You smile, because, despite having been through something I would have never dreamt I would have to go through, there is still happiness to be had.
I've learned more in the past year about myself, my marriage and my family than I have in a long time. We've made so many memories. When I think back on the year that has passed, I sit here smiling. Because, we lived life to the absolute fullest. No regrets. At the end of the day, Peyton's death taught me to do that. It taught me to be a better listener, more patient and to enjoy the little moments just as much as the big ones.
Nick and I are so blessed for the lives that we do have. We have an amazing family and our friends are the best. And, we have two beautiful children that we get to spend our lives with here on Earth and one beautiful, handsome angel that I will be forever grateful for.
This past weekend, we celebrated Preston's 1st birthday. We concluded his birthday with a balloon release to Heaven in remembrance of Peyton. I know that Peyton was there with us that day. The sun was so bright, but if you look carefully, you can see a "white" balloon. Except, we only had blue and orange balloons.
Peyton continues to remind us daily that he is with us. It's the most peaceful feeling. Honestly--- I wake up most days with a smile on my face because I just "know" that he's here. It's kind of crazy, because I know the kids and Nick feel it too. Kaylee will randomly start talking about Peyton. And Preston, he's drawn to his twin brother.
Thank you from the bottom of our hearts for everyone's kindness over the past year. This may have been an unexpected journey, but behind every storm, there is a rainbow. It is through the strength of others that we are able to focus on the rainbow and remember the storm.
.
"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won't even be sure whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person who walked in. That's what this storm's all about."
Wednesday, July 22, 2015
How many children do you have?
As we approach the ten month mark since the birth of the twins, I am in awe of how much time has passed already. It seems surreal that this is the life we are living and just how quickly time is flying.
I absolutely hate the saying "everything happens for a reason". This saying is very impersonal and is gut-wrenching to a lot of people. Especially, those whom have lost a loved one. Although I absolutely despise this saying, I have often found myself looking for the "reason" of why Nick and I were dealt the hand we were given. It's amazing the people you meet because of it. Over the past ten months, Nick and I have met some wonderful people, that, unfortunately share in our experience with their own heartache.
I've come to the conclusion that although I still cannot explain the reason that we lost our son, or the reason why God felt that He needed Peyton, I can tell you that I am pulled in the direction of giving back. AND, in the direction of helping other grieving parents in any way that I possibly can.
One of the absolute toughest questions to answer, I've found, is "how many children do you have?" The struggle is real. How do I answer this question? On one hand, I LOVE hearing the sound of Peyton's name, and I do like to tell his story. I have immense guilt if I don't tell his story. I don't for one second ever want his life, his existence, to be diminished. On the other hand, I don't want to make the person asking the question uncomfortable. And, to be perfectly honest, some days, I just don't have the energy to want to talk about everything that Nick and I have been through over the past year and a half.
Someone I met through a support group that Nick and I joined through Children's Mercy gave me some great advice. Some advice that I have found very helpful and thought I would share.
Give as much information as the person asking the question asks for.
For example:
Q: "How many children do you have?"
A: "I have three children."
Q: "Boys? Girls?"
A: "I have a daughter and 2 sons."
Q: "What are their names?"
A: "Kaylee, Preston and Peyton"
Q: "What are their ages?"
A: "Kaylee is 3 and Preston and Peyton are twins. Preston is almost ten months and unfortunately, Peyton is in Heaven now." Some days, I go into Peyton's story and other days, I leave it at that. It totally depends on the person I'm talking to and the mood I'm in.
I am telling you all this, not to make you feel sorry for me. Not to draw attention. I am hoping that if someone out there is going through this same struggle this helps them. It's honestly, my most dreaded question and I am hoping that I can help others.
I absolutely hate the saying "everything happens for a reason". This saying is very impersonal and is gut-wrenching to a lot of people. Especially, those whom have lost a loved one. Although I absolutely despise this saying, I have often found myself looking for the "reason" of why Nick and I were dealt the hand we were given. It's amazing the people you meet because of it. Over the past ten months, Nick and I have met some wonderful people, that, unfortunately share in our experience with their own heartache.
I've come to the conclusion that although I still cannot explain the reason that we lost our son, or the reason why God felt that He needed Peyton, I can tell you that I am pulled in the direction of giving back. AND, in the direction of helping other grieving parents in any way that I possibly can.
One of the absolute toughest questions to answer, I've found, is "how many children do you have?" The struggle is real. How do I answer this question? On one hand, I LOVE hearing the sound of Peyton's name, and I do like to tell his story. I have immense guilt if I don't tell his story. I don't for one second ever want his life, his existence, to be diminished. On the other hand, I don't want to make the person asking the question uncomfortable. And, to be perfectly honest, some days, I just don't have the energy to want to talk about everything that Nick and I have been through over the past year and a half.
Someone I met through a support group that Nick and I joined through Children's Mercy gave me some great advice. Some advice that I have found very helpful and thought I would share.
Give as much information as the person asking the question asks for.
For example:
Q: "How many children do you have?"
A: "I have three children."
Q: "Boys? Girls?"
A: "I have a daughter and 2 sons."
Q: "What are their names?"
A: "Kaylee, Preston and Peyton"
Q: "What are their ages?"
A: "Kaylee is 3 and Preston and Peyton are twins. Preston is almost ten months and unfortunately, Peyton is in Heaven now." Some days, I go into Peyton's story and other days, I leave it at that. It totally depends on the person I'm talking to and the mood I'm in.
I am telling you all this, not to make you feel sorry for me. Not to draw attention. I am hoping that if someone out there is going through this same struggle this helps them. It's honestly, my most dreaded question and I am hoping that I can help others.
Wednesday, April 29, 2015
A sign from Heaven lets us know our loved ones are near
"Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in Heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy."
- Eskimo Proverb
It's crazy to think that it has been 7 months since the twins were born. 7 months. WOW. I feel like I blinked. Exactly 1 year ago this weekend is when we discovered that Peyton had little to no fluid. A lot of "milestones" lately.
Some of you know that I am training for a half marathon. My first, ever, half marathon. Let me clarify-- I am NOT a runner. I honestly, never have been. My twin brother, Adam, got those genes. However, when a friend of mine asked me if I'd be interested in running one in May, I thought, well-- it's now or never. It's always been one of those things on my bucket list that I'd like to do someday, but have just never actually committed to. Sure-- it sounds great in theory. I'm turning 30 in August, might as well do it before I really get old, right?!
Anyways, when I began training, I honestly didn't realize just how therapeutic running would be for me. I literally refer to it as my therapy. (A new pair of shoes and workout gear are a heck of a lot cheaper:)) But yesterday, was unique. Every time I go for a run, I get a little anxious inside, a little nervous and excited. Yesterday, I set out for my "long run" - 9 miles. When I started out-- the weather was simply beautiful--- 70 degrees, sunny and a light breeze. Sounds perfect. About 2 miles in, I totally got into my own head. You can't do this. You're going to have to call Nick to come pick you up. Ugh, my ankle. Ugh-- I think I have a headache. I was seriously talking myself out of what I had set out to do.
I hit my 4 mile mark and there it was. "Come on, you got this." Written with fresh chalk on the sidewalk. Man, okay--- I got this. Wait, no I don't. About 100 more feet down--- "chin up buttercup". 100 more feet, "I am SO proud of you."
To say I had goosebumps from head to toe is an understatement. It's like the messages were being written moments before I was passing each spot. These messages continued all the way to mile #8. Just to where I needed to make it home. It's like Peyton was talking to me. He was encouraging me to keep moving, to complete my goal. Afterall, he is one of the reasons I decided to do this.
During my runs, I take time talking to God and talking to Peyton. Imagining and dreaming of what life would be like if both of my boys, my twins, were here together. This is the time that I allow myself to truly "grieve", or rather, embrace the life that I am living.
It is my medicine. It is my therapy. It is my life. I am living the life that I love.
Although my heart hurts beyond words. I miss Peyton. I am sometimes brought to tears and other times brought to pure anger that Preston does not get to live the "twin" life that I do. But yet--- honestly, that sadness does not consume me. Instead, the happiness of both of my children, and husband does.
As we reach new milestones--- Preston crawling, moving from laying down to sitting up on his own, successfully taking a bottle (that's another story) -- these all bring smiles to my face. Kaylee sitting in church, crossing her legs, so excited that if she is "good", she gets to give Father a high five at the end. All of these moments are moments that I do not take for granted. Not for a second.
I encourage everyone to live the life you love. Stop and smell the roses, literally. Take time to notice when our lost loved ones are talking to you. Because when they do, it makes everything we're doing here on Earth, worth it.
"Smile... Heaven is watching."
- African Proverb
- Eskimo Proverb
It's crazy to think that it has been 7 months since the twins were born. 7 months. WOW. I feel like I blinked. Exactly 1 year ago this weekend is when we discovered that Peyton had little to no fluid. A lot of "milestones" lately.
Some of you know that I am training for a half marathon. My first, ever, half marathon. Let me clarify-- I am NOT a runner. I honestly, never have been. My twin brother, Adam, got those genes. However, when a friend of mine asked me if I'd be interested in running one in May, I thought, well-- it's now or never. It's always been one of those things on my bucket list that I'd like to do someday, but have just never actually committed to. Sure-- it sounds great in theory. I'm turning 30 in August, might as well do it before I really get old, right?!
Anyways, when I began training, I honestly didn't realize just how therapeutic running would be for me. I literally refer to it as my therapy. (A new pair of shoes and workout gear are a heck of a lot cheaper:)) But yesterday, was unique. Every time I go for a run, I get a little anxious inside, a little nervous and excited. Yesterday, I set out for my "long run" - 9 miles. When I started out-- the weather was simply beautiful--- 70 degrees, sunny and a light breeze. Sounds perfect. About 2 miles in, I totally got into my own head. You can't do this. You're going to have to call Nick to come pick you up. Ugh, my ankle. Ugh-- I think I have a headache. I was seriously talking myself out of what I had set out to do.
I hit my 4 mile mark and there it was. "Come on, you got this." Written with fresh chalk on the sidewalk. Man, okay--- I got this. Wait, no I don't. About 100 more feet down--- "chin up buttercup". 100 more feet, "I am SO proud of you."
To say I had goosebumps from head to toe is an understatement. It's like the messages were being written moments before I was passing each spot. These messages continued all the way to mile #8. Just to where I needed to make it home. It's like Peyton was talking to me. He was encouraging me to keep moving, to complete my goal. Afterall, he is one of the reasons I decided to do this.
During my runs, I take time talking to God and talking to Peyton. Imagining and dreaming of what life would be like if both of my boys, my twins, were here together. This is the time that I allow myself to truly "grieve", or rather, embrace the life that I am living.
It is my medicine. It is my therapy. It is my life. I am living the life that I love.
Although my heart hurts beyond words. I miss Peyton. I am sometimes brought to tears and other times brought to pure anger that Preston does not get to live the "twin" life that I do. But yet--- honestly, that sadness does not consume me. Instead, the happiness of both of my children, and husband does.
As we reach new milestones--- Preston crawling, moving from laying down to sitting up on his own, successfully taking a bottle (that's another story) -- these all bring smiles to my face. Kaylee sitting in church, crossing her legs, so excited that if she is "good", she gets to give Father a high five at the end. All of these moments are moments that I do not take for granted. Not for a second.
I encourage everyone to live the life you love. Stop and smell the roses, literally. Take time to notice when our lost loved ones are talking to you. Because when they do, it makes everything we're doing here on Earth, worth it.
"Smile... Heaven is watching."
- African Proverb
Wednesday, February 18, 2015
Team player
Life is truly funny, you know? You go through most of your life feeling/thinking you're invincible. I don't know if it's the technology that exposes us to what REALLY is going on in our world, or if it's just our age. But, I can say, life is really tough sometimes.
I remember when we found out about Peyton's diagnosis. After a few months, Nick and I had accepted the path that God had chose for us. Don't get me wrong, we were truly hoping that the doctors were wrong and that this was all some sort of bad dream. But then, of course, reality hit, and the doctors were right. We were forced to truly accept our new path. I feel that we've done this with grace and level heads. And- we attribute this to our family and friends' support. Honestly--- it's not that we ever felt like we were being punished with the hand we were dealt, but I kind of felt like we were taking one for the team. Right or wrong, I can remember telling God, okay-- you took my baby, now just protect all my family and friends. I seriously believed that that meant there were no "it comes in 3's" or anything like that. One and done. My baby, that's it. Unfortunately, that hasn't been the case.
It's crazy the negotiating that we do with God when it comes to death. Isn't it bad enough that my child suffered and died? Does God really have to take any more children? UGH. My heart is of course broken and I know that this is all part of the process. But seriously?? Since September, we have lost a sister, had friends lose their babies to miscarriages, friends with children diagnosed with cancer, family losing their children, family in the hospitals... can we catch a break? Seriously.
And to be honest-- the saying "God only gives you what you can handle"...
What have Nick and I learned from all of this? When life throws you curve balls, you learn how to catch them, throw them back, and stand taller and stronger than you were the day before.
Often times, we find ourselves searching for our purpose in life. Through our life experiences; whether that's through friendships, career paths, losses--- these all help guide us to the direction that we're supposed to go. I know that Peyton would want us to make sure that we stayed true to the course and helped others that are struggling with loss in any way we can. Even if it just means telling others we are here.
So, I feel that it is fitting on this Ash Wednesday, to challenge each of you to set a goal for this Lenten season. Are you going to pray with your spouse, together, on a daily basis? I know I am. Are you going to enjoy the sun rising and setting everyday, allowing yourself to slow down and enjoy the life you're living? I know I am. Are you going to work to not take life for granted and live in the moment rather than focusing on the past or the future? I know I am.
When there are so many bad things happening in the world, even in our own back yard, it is SO easy to get caught up in that, as opposed to focusing on how we can make a positive impact on those around us, but more importantly on ourselves. It's so simple to get stuck in a rut and think that the world is crashing all around you. My daily devotion is to avoid the negative and focus on the positive. I pray that any of you that are facing your own trials can find peace and comfort.
With love,
Ashley
I remember when we found out about Peyton's diagnosis. After a few months, Nick and I had accepted the path that God had chose for us. Don't get me wrong, we were truly hoping that the doctors were wrong and that this was all some sort of bad dream. But then, of course, reality hit, and the doctors were right. We were forced to truly accept our new path. I feel that we've done this with grace and level heads. And- we attribute this to our family and friends' support. Honestly--- it's not that we ever felt like we were being punished with the hand we were dealt, but I kind of felt like we were taking one for the team. Right or wrong, I can remember telling God, okay-- you took my baby, now just protect all my family and friends. I seriously believed that that meant there were no "it comes in 3's" or anything like that. One and done. My baby, that's it. Unfortunately, that hasn't been the case.
It's crazy the negotiating that we do with God when it comes to death. Isn't it bad enough that my child suffered and died? Does God really have to take any more children? UGH. My heart is of course broken and I know that this is all part of the process. But seriously?? Since September, we have lost a sister, had friends lose their babies to miscarriages, friends with children diagnosed with cancer, family losing their children, family in the hospitals... can we catch a break? Seriously.
And to be honest-- the saying "God only gives you what you can handle"...
What have Nick and I learned from all of this? When life throws you curve balls, you learn how to catch them, throw them back, and stand taller and stronger than you were the day before.
Often times, we find ourselves searching for our purpose in life. Through our life experiences; whether that's through friendships, career paths, losses--- these all help guide us to the direction that we're supposed to go. I know that Peyton would want us to make sure that we stayed true to the course and helped others that are struggling with loss in any way we can. Even if it just means telling others we are here.
So, I feel that it is fitting on this Ash Wednesday, to challenge each of you to set a goal for this Lenten season. Are you going to pray with your spouse, together, on a daily basis? I know I am. Are you going to enjoy the sun rising and setting everyday, allowing yourself to slow down and enjoy the life you're living? I know I am. Are you going to work to not take life for granted and live in the moment rather than focusing on the past or the future? I know I am.
When there are so many bad things happening in the world, even in our own back yard, it is SO easy to get caught up in that, as opposed to focusing on how we can make a positive impact on those around us, but more importantly on ourselves. It's so simple to get stuck in a rut and think that the world is crashing all around you. My daily devotion is to avoid the negative and focus on the positive. I pray that any of you that are facing your own trials can find peace and comfort.
With love,
Ashley
Wednesday, December 3, 2014
Stage 1: Shock / Denial
Good grief.
Grief. Grieving. Grievance.
So many ways to say it. They all suck. Excuse my language, but really--- it sucks. I recently read an article about the five stages of grief. 5 stages! I remember learning about grief during health class when I was in high school. It should come as no surprise to me. But, as I read this article, I found myself angry and terrified. Angry at the thought that this "grieving" is going to take forever and terrified that it may take forever. I want to feel normal again.
It's been 8 weeks since Peyton's funeral and 9 since the twins were born. 9 weeks. I feel like I blinked. There's no way our lives were turned upside down 9 weeks ago. I don't even feel like it's been a week, how can it be 9? For the past 9 weeks I feel like I've been in a fog. Going through the motions-- doing what I need to do for my family. A tear here and there, but honestly--- I've been plain numb. I keep waiting for the other shoe to fall. When will I start "feeling" the loss of Peyton?
I've heard comments made from family and friends like -- I'm worried about Ashley. How's Ashley doing? The truth is, I'm fine. Honestly. But this all makes sense--- perhaps I'm stuck in the first stage of grief still -- 1. Shock and Denial. It's about as real as it gets.
This week, we took Preston in to Children's Mercy for an ultrasound on his hips. (They were checking for hip displasia due to his being born breech.) The planner that I am, I spent all day Sunday mentally preparing myself for making the trip back to CM. I kept thinking that I was going to have a mental breakdown or something. Well, we went made it there and back with zero tears. Zero feelings even. Numb. Being numb is exhausting.
Guilt is exhausting too. I find myself feeling lots of guilt. Mom guilt is terrible, but it's reached a whole new level. Anytime we're asked to do something or go somewhere, I instantly begin to feel guilt for leaving my children with anyone other than me. Guilt isn't something I had anticipated, much less realized how bad it was, until Nick asked me last week point blank, why do you feel so guilty? You need time for you, time for us. He's right-- I know he is, but it still doesn't take the guilt away.
Anyways-- as I continue in this state of "shock/denial", bare with me. I knew that this wasn't going to be easy and I know that there is a purpose to everything. But, today, I will snuggle Preston and Kaylee and hope that I can just skip straight to acceptance.
But through all of this, there are smiles and moments of reflection. It's amazing how much Peyton is with us on a daily basis. During the most stressful and happiest times, Peyton is here. Nick and I recently read an article that my aunt had posted about the signs that a lost loved one is with you. Whether it be Peyton visiting us in our dreams, feeling him through "electrical activity", symbolic message, movement of an item-- we know that our angel baby is with us every single day.
Nick and I began to realize this about a month ago when a picture that we had sitting on a shelf fell. It was a picture of Preston and Peyton from when they were in the hospital. The first time it happened, we didnt' think too much of it, but after the 3rd time, it got our attention. A few weeks ago, Nick, Preston and I went to Wichita for our friend, Pat's 30th birthday party. We dropped Kaylee off in Topeka with my mom and then headed to Wichita for the night. Throughout the trip, Nick and I talked a lot about Peyton, Christmas, etc. Multiple times, we would hear this "magical" sound. Nick and I would look at each other with looks of, did you hear that?. After about the 4th time, Nick said to me-- you know, I think Peyton is here. He's telling us he's here with that sound. The sound was coming from one of Kaylee's toys-- a frozen wand that makes "magical" sounds. However, that only happens if you push a button. Anyways--- Peyton was with us on our car ride and Nick and I couldn't help but smile. On Thanksgiving, I was talking to my mom-- I look up at a picture we had hanging of the twins and the picture had been moved. I literally looked at my mom and said he's here, he's with us.
So despite the fog that I've been in for the past 2 months, Peyton has helped me when I've needed it most. There isn't a second that goes by that I don't think about him, wonder what he's doing right now. There are a lot of angels in heaven holding him and we know he is in good hands.
Grief. Grieving. Grievance.
So many ways to say it. They all suck. Excuse my language, but really--- it sucks. I recently read an article about the five stages of grief. 5 stages! I remember learning about grief during health class when I was in high school. It should come as no surprise to me. But, as I read this article, I found myself angry and terrified. Angry at the thought that this "grieving" is going to take forever and terrified that it may take forever. I want to feel normal again.
It's been 8 weeks since Peyton's funeral and 9 since the twins were born. 9 weeks. I feel like I blinked. There's no way our lives were turned upside down 9 weeks ago. I don't even feel like it's been a week, how can it be 9? For the past 9 weeks I feel like I've been in a fog. Going through the motions-- doing what I need to do for my family. A tear here and there, but honestly--- I've been plain numb. I keep waiting for the other shoe to fall. When will I start "feeling" the loss of Peyton?
I've heard comments made from family and friends like -- I'm worried about Ashley. How's Ashley doing? The truth is, I'm fine. Honestly. But this all makes sense--- perhaps I'm stuck in the first stage of grief still -- 1. Shock and Denial. It's about as real as it gets.
This week, we took Preston in to Children's Mercy for an ultrasound on his hips. (They were checking for hip displasia due to his being born breech.) The planner that I am, I spent all day Sunday mentally preparing myself for making the trip back to CM. I kept thinking that I was going to have a mental breakdown or something. Well, we went made it there and back with zero tears. Zero feelings even. Numb. Being numb is exhausting.
Guilt is exhausting too. I find myself feeling lots of guilt. Mom guilt is terrible, but it's reached a whole new level. Anytime we're asked to do something or go somewhere, I instantly begin to feel guilt for leaving my children with anyone other than me. Guilt isn't something I had anticipated, much less realized how bad it was, until Nick asked me last week point blank, why do you feel so guilty? You need time for you, time for us. He's right-- I know he is, but it still doesn't take the guilt away.
Anyways-- as I continue in this state of "shock/denial", bare with me. I knew that this wasn't going to be easy and I know that there is a purpose to everything. But, today, I will snuggle Preston and Kaylee and hope that I can just skip straight to acceptance.
But through all of this, there are smiles and moments of reflection. It's amazing how much Peyton is with us on a daily basis. During the most stressful and happiest times, Peyton is here. Nick and I recently read an article that my aunt had posted about the signs that a lost loved one is with you. Whether it be Peyton visiting us in our dreams, feeling him through "electrical activity", symbolic message, movement of an item-- we know that our angel baby is with us every single day.
Nick and I began to realize this about a month ago when a picture that we had sitting on a shelf fell. It was a picture of Preston and Peyton from when they were in the hospital. The first time it happened, we didnt' think too much of it, but after the 3rd time, it got our attention. A few weeks ago, Nick, Preston and I went to Wichita for our friend, Pat's 30th birthday party. We dropped Kaylee off in Topeka with my mom and then headed to Wichita for the night. Throughout the trip, Nick and I talked a lot about Peyton, Christmas, etc. Multiple times, we would hear this "magical" sound. Nick and I would look at each other with looks of, did you hear that?. After about the 4th time, Nick said to me-- you know, I think Peyton is here. He's telling us he's here with that sound. The sound was coming from one of Kaylee's toys-- a frozen wand that makes "magical" sounds. However, that only happens if you push a button. Anyways--- Peyton was with us on our car ride and Nick and I couldn't help but smile. On Thanksgiving, I was talking to my mom-- I look up at a picture we had hanging of the twins and the picture had been moved. I literally looked at my mom and said he's here, he's with us.
So despite the fog that I've been in for the past 2 months, Peyton has helped me when I've needed it most. There isn't a second that goes by that I don't think about him, wonder what he's doing right now. There are a lot of angels in heaven holding him and we know he is in good hands.
Tuesday, November 4, 2014
Angel of God, my Guardian Dear...
It's hard to believe that it has been four weeks since we celebrated the life of Peyton. Honestly-- it feels kind of like a dream or a lifetime ago. When we say it out loud, it is plain crazy to think that nearly a month has flown by.
Don't get me wrong -- saying goodbye to Peyton is THE hardest thing that Nick and I have ever had to do. Period. The pain is there. However, with that pain, there is peace. Peace knowing that Peyton is not suffering. Peace knowing that Nick and I were empowered through our faith throughout this process. We have no regrets. Something that was our greatest fear. We didn't want to look back and play the, "We wish we would have.." game. Instead, we look back and talk about how great of a day the day was when we had to say "goodbye" to our son.
We wanted Peyton's day to be perfect. Something that brought happiness through the tears. From the music, to the readings, to pictures, to our outfits. Nick and I wanted the day to be something that we would be able to remember every detail. Picking out outfits for our family, although I was dreading, came together simply. As a family, we each wore a little blue and orange. Throughout our pregnancy-- those colors had become symbolic for us and we just knew they would be the perfect colors to wear in honor of our son.
October 7, 2014, 1 PM. Not a cloud in the sky. 75 degrees and sunny. A picture perfect day. I'm not kidding, it truly was the most beautiful day. Like Peyton was smiling from above, giving us the light we needed.
You see, first of all--- the world truly is a small place. Porter Funeral Home was absolutely the best choice for us. Not only did the owner end up being the uncle of one of my very good friends, but the facility really brought light and sunshine to what was a sad day. They provided us the service that we didn't even realize we needed and were beyond accommodating to meet our needs.
We began Peyton's service, meeting with family and friends. A special thank you to Kayla Stallbaumer, for the amazing pictures you captured of Peyton and our family. We were able to truly remember our son and have beautiful pictures displayed for everyone to see.
Although we hadn't planned to have an open casket, when we arrived at Porters, it was the right thing for us to do. Nick and I weren't ready to say goodbye and it brought us peace to be able to see him, touch him and give him kisses.
I wanted to make sure he was warm. The hospital had given us this beautiful small blue crocheted blanket that fit perfectly for Peyton. It brought me peace to see that he was perfectly wrapped in his blanket. He couldn't have looked more handsome.
We couldn't be more thankful for my cousin, Father Daniel (Danny) Schmitz for conducting Peyton's service. I've grown up with Danny my whole life, and couldn't have picked a more perfect person to help us celebrate Peyton. The homily was simply perfect. --- although Peyton was only here a short time, he truly experienced a lifetime of love. Each song and reading were carefully selected by Nick and I. Each of these songs are perfectly written to describe feelings that we have felt throughout this journey.
Strong Enough
To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven;
A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.
Jesus Blesses the Children
And they were bringing even their babies to Him so taht He would touch them, but when the disciples saw it, they began rebuking them. But Jesus called for them, saying, "Permit the children to come to Me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. "Truly I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child will not enter it at all."
Hold On (As I Hold You)
One More Day
Strength for the Journey
We can't begin to thank everyone enough for their love and support. There isn't a day that doesn't go by that we don't think or talk about Peyton. We thank everyone for thinking, praying and speaking of our son as well. It brings a smile to our face to hear his name. Although Peyton only spent moments in our arms, he will truly forever be in our hearts.
Sweet baby boy, mommy, daddy, Kaylee and Preston love you to infinity and back. We thank God every day for giving us the chance to meet you. Days are tough at times, but for the most part, they are filled with happiness and peace. We are forever blessed with the most beautiful angel.
Wednesday, October 22, 2014
The birth story of our boys
The day we had been anticipating for 9 months was finally here. We had made it to my own twin brother's wedding, which was simply the perfect day and surprisingly, the night before, Nick and I both managed to get some sleep before waking at 4:45 am to get ready for the big day. The day we would finally get to meet our boys! Truly soaking up every second, enjoying every move I felt from my boys. I knew this would be the feeling I would miss the most. The only time in my life that I would get to feel the flutter in my stomach -- something I never want to forget. All of our family, both Nick's and mine had stayed with us the night before so that we could all caravan to Children's Mercy together. There's nothing better than seeing your parents first thing in the morning, especially on such a special day.
Kaylee woke, bright eyed and full of life -- her first words when she woke were "good morning sunshine". Something I will never forget either. Funny how a 2-year old knows just what to say to her momma. Kaylee was SO excited for 9/29 too. The day she would get to meet her brothers!
Kaylee woke, bright eyed and full of life -- her first words when she woke were "good morning sunshine". Something I will never forget either. Funny how a 2-year old knows just what to say to her momma. Kaylee was SO excited for 9/29 too. The day she would get to meet her brothers!
We left for Children's Mercy as a family. Kaylee was excited that she was able to ride with mommy and daddy and new car seats in tow. When we arrived, we got checked in and had the opportunity to see everyone one last time before being taken back for my spinal block.
Before I knew it, it was go time. At exactly 8:30 am, I was taken to the OR to begin my spinal. They told me that Nick would be able to come back within 15 minutes. At 8:58 am, Nick was brought to the OR. He sat next to me and held my hand. He wiped the tears off my face as I laid there waiting for our doctors to begin. It's such a weird experience. The doctors were totally making small talk-- talking about John Riggins and how they had stayed in Seneca a few years back. I was amazed how they really tried to make their conversation relatable to me and the time that they had taken to know where I was from, etc.
At 9:07 am, Preston Edward Topping was born. Dr. Bennett held Preston up for me to see and then the nurses instantly took him to check him over. He was simply beautiful.
At 9:08 am, Peyton Michael Topping was born. The nurses and Peyton's doctor took him instantly to the resuscitation room. We weren't able to see him because he needed to be evaluated immediately.
I instantly turned to Nick and said, go. Go be with our boys. I was instantly terrified that if Nick wasn't with our boys, something would go wrong. So I laid there listening to both of my babies crying. Smiling, thankful that I could hear them only a few feet away. The anesthesiologist was amazing-- he gave me a play by play of what was going on and would tell me when Nick was coming my way. It felt like an eternity before anyone came over to me to tell me what was going on, but before I knew it, Nick was standing by my side with Preston.
Introducing Preston Edward Topping
6 pounds 5 oz.
20 inches long
9/29/14
9:07 am
Nick was seriously a rockstar. Going from room to room to check on the boys and come back to me to let me know what was going on. I asked him how Peyton was doing. He said he didn't think it looked good. He was breathing, but he was in a lot of pain. After meeting Preston, Peyton's doctor came to me to explain what was going on.
She explained that they had placed Peyton on a ventilator but that he was struggling to breathe much on his own . They were managing his pain and keeping him comfortable, but she wasn't sure how much time we had with him. She recommended that we do Peyton's Baptism in the operating room as opposed to the recovery room (which was our initial plan) because they weren't sure if he would make it between rooms. I looked at Nick and he looked at me and we both nodded in agreement. We knew that Peyton was telling us that it was all going to be okay, that we wouldn't have to make any difficult decisions. He was making them for us.
Introducing Peyton Michael Nicholas Topping
3 pounds 14.5 oz
15.5 inches long
9/29/14
9:08 am
Within minutes, both my cousin, Father Daniel Schmitz, and our friend and photographer, Kayla, were in the room. Father Danny baptized and confirmed Peyton as Nick held Preston and I held Peyton's hand.
After Peyton was baptized and confirmed, the doctors said they felt they had Peyton stabilized while on the ventilator. They just weren't sure of how long. They said that we could keep him on the ventilator for as long as we wanted, or we could remove the tubes, etc. so that everyone could hold him. We decided to leave him on the ventilator and move everyone to the recovery room so that our families could meet the boys.
I was instantly moved to the recovery room, Nick following me with Preston. I remember looking out to the waiting room, seeing my sister-in-law, Catie, wave at me. I took a deep breath, smiled, and told myself, everything's going to be okay. You know this. Within seconds, I was instantly surrounded my my family and best friend, Amber. A few minutes later, they brought Peyton into the room and placed him in my arms. For the next two hours, time literally seemed to stand still. It was like God was freezing time for us. Freezing time so we could enjoy every second. Soak up every second with our family.
Kaylee meeting her brothers for the first time was simply priceless. She was beyond excited to see her brothers. Despite her mom laying in a hospital bed and her brother being hooked to all sorts of tubes, it didn't phase her. The love she expressed for her family cannot be put into words. It was simply precious, and something that Nick and i will forever cherish.
At 12:00 pm, 9/29, our son, Peyton Michael Nicholas Topping, went to be with Jesus. The strongest little boy I have ever met. Much too strong for Earth. Peyton passed away peacefully in his daddy and mommy's arms, next to his twin brother Preston. Although his time was short, he had a lifetime of love. He taught us more about life than we could have ever thought imaginable. We are so beyond grateful to have been able to spend those nearly three hours with our family of five.
Words cannot begin to express how thankful we are to have such a great support system. Thank you to everyone that has brought a meal, sent cards, gifts, facebook messages, texts, phone calls, etc. We cannot begin to tell you how much we appreciate them.
Life is but a hello and goodbye, but love is until we meet again.
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