Rollercoaster

Where do I begin?

Nick and I kicked off 2014 excited about our year! With the completion of our house coming this year, we couldn't be more excited to start the next chapter of our story.

On February 7th, which just happens to be my dad's and goddaughter's birthday, Nick and I found out that we were expecting! We were SO excited, we couldn't hardly believe it! We instantly began telling our family about our exciting news. Without missing a beat, my dad claimed that we would be having twin boys. Okay okay dad... ;)

February 25th, Nick and I went in for our first sonogram. After a brief scare that weekend, we were hoping and praying for the best. Much to our surprise, we saw a healthy baby. And SURPRISE, a healthy baby B as well. Tears rolled down my face as I couldn't have felt more blessed by the little miracles that Nick and I had created. Nick and I had always wanted twins, and here we were, doing just that! Whew! We couldn't wait to get home and tell our family our "updated" news. :) My dad--- see-- I told you!

March 19th, Nick and I journeyed back to the doctor with another scare. To our relief, after another sonogram, it was determined that everything was A-Okay. We also discovered that our beautiful miracles were fraternal! And so the suspense began! Nick and I could hardly wait for May for when we would find out if we were having boys, girls or one of each!

May 1st, things were about to change. I woke up early that morning to find myself covered in blood. Nick and I headed to the ER and spent the day there, worrying, praying and hoping for the best. After doing a sonogram and waiting for our results (after what seemed like FOREVER), we were told that we would need to see a specialist ASAP. They indicated that they had found a cyst or mass on Baby B's abdomen and that Baby B had little to no amniotic fluid. And that's it, that is all they would tell us. I was put on bed rest and we were sent home heartbroken.

May 6th, we met with our periontologist (specialist for high-risk pregnancies). After a 2 hour sonogram, we were feeling more confident. Baby A was looking great. Everything was developing exactly the way it is supposed to and the baby couldn't be more perfect. Baby B, although we couldn't see as well, we were relieved because we could see Baby B's head, hands, feet, toes, etc. Baby B had a great heart beat (158) and was still growing. Baby B was measuring about 1.5 weeks behind Baby A, however Baby A was measuring about 1 week ahead of schedule. Within an instant, Dr. Wickstrom entered the room to give us our results. They weren't good.

It looks like Baby B isn’t going to make it. Long story short, early in the process, the bladder and the kidneys did not form their "connection" correctly and they couldn’t work together to produce and distribute the amniotic fluid. They were just pumping fluid to the stomach, which then caused the cyst/mass to develop. There is very little amniotic fluid so the lungs will not form correctly and there is no chance of survival for twin B.

I will continue to carry Baby B until delivery no matter what. Baby B could either be alive until he exits the womb or he will eventually pass away within me and I will deliver Baby B with Baby A.

I was instantly overcome by emotion. Nick and I held each other, as Dr. Wickstrom proceeded to tell us to take as much time as we need. That none of this was our fault, there was nothing we could have done to prevent our precious Baby B from having this happen. She empathized with us, expressing all the fears and angers that were going through my mind. How could I possibly be happy the day Baby A will be born, when Baby B will die... the thoughts were swarming through my head. 

Dr. Wickstrom assured us that both Baby A and my health would not be affected by Baby B since they were fraternal twins held separately in separate placentas. We also know that they are both boys and Baby A  looks very healthy. She advised that we see Dr. Lynch (my OBGYN) on a weekly basis and we see here every 3 weeks for monitoring. 

As Nick and I headed home, I found myself completely numb. On one hand, I wanted to be happy. We were going to have a healthy BABY BOY! But as soon as I felt happy, I instantly felt regret, mad and sad. How could I be happy?! I am going to lose one of my boys.

Nick and I have found peace knowing that God needs one of our little boys just as much, and more than we do and will be asking him to join him in Heaven. This little guy is going to be watching over his brother and sister. 

Nick and I are doing okay. It's really tough and sometimes hard to be strong, when we just want to break down. But we'll be okay. We are so fortunate to have so much love and support surrounding us. Please continue to pray for us as we embark down our "new" journey over the next 5 months as we prepare for the birth and passing of our twin boys.