In the blink of an eye. Everything can change. So forgive often and love with all your heart. You may never know when you may not have that chance again.

It's so crazy how life turns up. I remember 5 years ago at this time, planning for our wedding. At the time, the "theme" for our wedding was "Live the Life You Love, Love the Life You Live". This has been a saying that has become our family motto, honestly, since then. These words ring true now more than ever. 

I'm writing today, with no new update on the twins. I'm writing today, because we simply are overwhelmed by the amount of support that our family has received, from not only family and friends, but strangers and friends of friends (of friends:)). When our path changed a mere 11 weeks ago, we had no idea the impact that Peyton would have on people. We are humbled and honored by the outpouring of prayers from literally across the world. 

This week, Nick and I spent a lot of time talking about what's next. After talking with my cousin, Father Danny, we knew that we needed to make a few phone calls to start lining up how we would honor Peyton. I honestly find myself laughing at the situation sometimes. When making a phone call to a funeral home to talk about burying our child, I seriously feel like I'm in college or something, doing a research project. I even joked with the lady at the cemetery that I'll probably be calling her in October to say, just kidding! We get to take our baby home! All humor aside, we have determined that if we indeed do not get to take our son home, that we will have a funeral here in KC and have Peyton buried at Resurrection Cemetery. They have a beautiful area designated specifically for children where he will be buried. It's one of those things that we don't necessarily want to think about, much less talk about out loud, but we decided it would be much easier to have these conversations now, as opposed to later.

Of course the other big discussion that Nick and I needed to have this week was how I am going to deliver these babies. This part is pretty emotional for me. I think back to when we had Kaylee, and it was seriously the best experience. The delivery was a breeze and Nick and I had ample time to spend with Kaylee, nursing her, holding her and hearing her first cries. When I begin to think about all of the "what-ifs" for this pregnancy, my mind literally starts to spin. After a long discussion, at this point, I think we are leaning towards opting for a planned c-section. This is purely selfish on my part, because this is literally the only thing that I can control. 

There are a few things that are priorities for Nick and I when our boys enter this world. First and foremost, we want Kaylee to meet both of her brothers. We also want to make sure that Peyton is able to be baptized. My cousin has graciously offered to be there when Peyton is born to make sure that that is possible. We would also like our parents and siblings to have the opportunity to meet Peyton as well. And, we want to capture all of these moments through photographs so that someday, we can show Kaylee and Preston just how special of a day it was. The only way to guarantee that even some of these can happen is if we know "when" it will happen. At this point, after weighing all of our options, I think this is the best route for us to go.

We head back to both my OBGYN and our specialist next week to continue to monitor the progress that the boys are making. We have roughly 11 weeks left or so until we will be meeting our little miracles. 

Today, we choose to live with gratitude, for the love that fills our hearts, the peace that rests within our spirits, and the voice of hope that says... all things are possible.

much <3,

Nick, Ashley and Kaylee

 

 

Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if one remembers to turn on the light

The past month has been quite a month for our family. Full of happiness, full of family and friends, and full of change. One month ago, we moved to our beautiful new home. 3 weeks ago, we found out that Peyton might make it--- with signs of fluid! 2 weeks ago, we celebrated Kaylee's 2nd birthday with family and friends and gave Nick one heck of a surprise party for his 30th birthday. 1 week ago, we spent the entire weekend as a family of 3 (5), relaxing and enjoying the 4th of July holiday. It really has been a month full of excitement and happiness.

Yesterday, we headed back to our specialist, Dr. Wickstrom, to have another sonogram to determine if Peyton still had fluid or not. I can honestly say, that although we should have been prepared for the worst. We were not. We've been so focused on all of the good things going on in our life right now, that we honestly hadn't spent a lot of time thinking that our "good" news from 3 weeks ago would change. Until yesterday.

The sonogram went really well. For those of you that don't know. In a twin pregnancy, with sonograms, they always start with Baby A, and then move to Baby B. Preston, is A and Peyton is B. Preston is looking great! Moving around like crazy, we even saw him kicking his brother in the head several times. Nick and I couldn't help but laugh. He's growing literally on track, to the day. (I'll be 26 weeks tomorrow) He weighs 1 pound 13 ounces right now and is breech. A perfectly healthy baby boy.

By the time the sonographer had completed her measurements of Preston, I was literally exhausted. (45 minutes of looking at Preston). The anticipation of seeing Peyton was killing me. As the sonographer moved to Peyton, I felt a little relief. We weren't able to see his face right away because he was facing my back. But we could see all of his limbs-- his heart beating and him moving around too. In our last sonogram, they had expressed concern for scoliosis (curved spine). In this sonogram, we discovered that that was not the case. Peyton's spine is perfectly straight. I literally looked at Nick and said-- we've got this! If his spine is straight, that's amazing! They were also concerned about club feet. We weren't able to get a good look at Peyton's feet because of the way he was positioned, but I literally found myself saying-- that's something that can be fixed., he can live a happy healthy life too!

Now, I know that I should know better. After all, Nick and I had both said that we were not going to get our hopes up. But as parents, when you see firsthand all of these things that are so important for a healthy child, it's SO hard not to. Peyton is actually head down. Both he and Preston are laying with their heads next to each other. Peyton's stomach has shrunk considerably, but still has a small mass. He's weighing 1 pound 15 oz and is measuring about a week behind Preston. But, unfortunately, Peyton has almost zero fluid around his body. Thus, Peyton's lungs will not be able to develop correctly.

Honestly, Nick and I are both crushed. The pain and anxiety that have been building up over the past 10 weeks hit an all-time high. Dr. Wickstrom explained that we were back to where we were before 3 weeks ago. That Peyton will likely make it to birth, but will not survive past that.

No parent should ever have to go through this. Ever. It just doesn't seem fair. We still find ourselves caught in a fog. Finding it near impossible to believe that our son is actually going to die. Really? Is this how life is supposed to be? You live your whole life, feeling nearly invincible and suddenly you find it hard for even yourself to breath.

We are clinging to our faith right now. Of course, praying praying praying for a miracle for Peyton.

Today, is a new day. Today we begin the process of figuring our what's next. Focusing on a healthy Preston, and planning for how we can make Peyton more than just a memory.

Please continue to pray for us. Pray for strength as we have the tough conversations of burying our child. Pray for strength to celebrate BOTH of our twins. Pray for strength that we are strong for Kaylee. We can use all the prayers we can get right now.

Love,
Nick, Ashley & Kaylee

Here are a few pictures of Peyton and Preston:

Babies' heads together. Preston is on the left. Peyton is on the right.

 Peyton - profile pic

 Preston - profile pic

Preston's foot

Hope: a feeling of expectation for a certain thing to happen

Today, Nick and I went back to our specialist, Dr. Wickstrom for another specialist appointment. As always, the night before these appointments, I found myself tossing and turning and not able to sleep with anticipation of what we would discover. I've been reading "I Will Carry You", a book about a mother who lost her little girl to somewhat of the same condition as Peyton. It talks about the journey this family took in ultimately, losing their child. But last night, I just couldn't shake this feeling--- this feeling of hope. I'm not really sure what I expected to be told today, but I was hoping for some news, a plan, something.

On our drive to the hospital, Nick and I began talking about all the endless possibilities that could happen to Peyton. Nick and I agreed-- if Peyton could just make it to birth so we could meet him and hold him, even if it was for just an hour, that would be a miracle in and of itself. That, is the goal that we wanted to set for Peyton. Of course-- we did agree, that we wanted to make sure that that option, by no means would harm Preston or myself.

There was absolutely no waiting around today. We were instantly greeted by our stenographer (lady that takes the ultra sounds), Jen, whom, I must add, is simply amazing. She's the kindest, nicest person ever. The second that Jen placed the device on my stomach, we were greeted by Peyton. Let me rephrase that, we could actually SEE Peyton. Peyton had fluid around him and was moving around and we were able to see every limb, every bit of everything. Tears instantly streamed down my face. As Nick scooted his chair closer to me so that neither of us would have to reach for one another's hand, I couldn't help but have more hope. Something that we would have never dreamt of even asking for, something as simple as being able to see everything we could of Preston was happening right before my eyes.

Miracles really do happen! Of course, this is only a small step, a baby step, at that. But, it is a miracle and a blessing in and of itself. I honestly could not wait for Dr. Wickstrom to enter the room to tell us what this all could mean. After laying there for over an hour, with Jen taking measurements and making sure that everything was growing and functioning properly with both Preston and Peyton, Dr. Wickstrom came in to talk to us.

Dr. Wickstrom had tears in her eyes as she began taking her own ultrasound of our precious little guys. She told us that she didn't want to get our hopes up, but that seeing fluid around Peyton was definitely a good thing. Of course, there is still a long way to go, but today, we have some hope. Some actual good news. Dr. Wickstrom explained that although there was fluid around Peyton, she couldn't explain how it had got there. It could be from an eruption of the bladder, or it could be from something she just couldn't explain. (Nick and I would chalk it up to all of your prayers). Dr. Wickstrom said that we would wait 3 weeks to come back to have Preston and Peyton checked again. If there is still fluid around Peyton, there may be a chance that he could make it past birth. Yes, you read that right, there's that sign of hope again! Of course, if there isn't any fluid in 3 weeks, that will tell us that the bladder, indeed, did rupture, and Peyton's chances of survival would be bleak.

So, I asked Dr. Wickstrom the question that has been on Nick and I's mind forever--- will we get to meet Peyton? Her response was that she thinks that our chances of meeting Peyton are greater now than they ever have been. She just isn't sure yet if we will get to keep him and take him home with us.

If we come back to her in 3 weeks, and Peyton continues to have fluid, we will begin running multiple tests to determine chromosone makeup and if there will be any other abnormalities/complications. There is possibility of a curved spine, potential clubbed feet, etc. Right now, we will focus on what we do know today.

What we know today: Preston is growing ahead of pace--- he's measuring at 24 weeks, I'll be 23 weeks tomorrow. He weighs 1 pound 5 oz and is very active. Peyton is growing about 1 week behind. He's measuring right around 22 weeks. He weighs 1 pound 12 ounces, but the extra weight is due to the fluid that is still in his abdomen. Peyton is equally as active as Preston. Preston is currently breech and Peyton is head down. Nick, Kaylee and I feel these precious babies move every single day.

Through all of this, many have asked how I've been feeling. Honestly, I feel great! Of course, there are the normal pregnancy complaints-- feeling tired and my sciatic nerve acting up, but honestly, I would never complain. Despite the fear and stress of the situation, I really do feel great.

Today's appointment went great, as far as Nick and I are concerned. We know that we still have a long road ahead of us, and that at our next appointment our situation could change again. But today, and for the next 3 weeks, we will focus on the hope that we've been given. As Nick and I left the hospital, Jen gave me the biggest hug and said that she had goosebumps from head to toe. She could literally feel the miracle of life that we were experiencing first hand. That is exactly the way we feel, goosebumps cover our body and we are energized with hope. God was definitely holding our hands today as we watched Preston and Peyton move all around in my tummy. God will continue to walk hand in hand with us through this journey.

We couldn't be more blessed to have our friends and family walking this journey with us as well. Thank you so much to everyone for your continued prayers and support. Please continue to pray for the miracle. We will forever be indebted to you all!

The greatest gift God has given us--- faith, hope and love. We are truly blessed to live every day with these.
Nick, Ashley & Kaylee

It's all about the name

Preston Edward and Peyton Michael Topping

From the time we found out that we were expecting twins, Nick and I instantly began rolling through our list of names from when we were expecting Kaylee. Adding a couple of new ones and removing a couple, we wanted to have the perfect names for our miracles. But more than just a name, we really wanted it to mean something.

Nick and I have known each other for 9 years and been "together" for 8, married for 5 in July. From literally the second I met Nick, he always talked about having a little boy named Preston. I mean, from seriously the second we started dating! Of course over the years, we would hear other names that we liked, adding them to our list, but Preston was still always at the top. When Nick and I had our first date (mind you, this was 6 months into dating--- yes, it took Nick 6 months to take me on our first "official" date), Nick began to tell me WHY he loved the name Preston so much. It was more than a name to him. Preston, had been his wrestling coach in high school. But he was more than a coach to Nick, he was like family. I close my eyes, and I can literally remember seeing Nick beaming with pride as he would tell me about his high school days and how Preston would help Nick, not just during practice, but sometimes at 4:30 in the morning, late evenings and weekends. And then he would head to work. Nick was so beyond amazed and impressed with this man that was so dedicated to him. He put every ounce of time he had into making Nick into not only a great wrestler, but a great man. Listening to Nick talk about someone like that, I could only hope and pray that we too would someday have a son that could be the type of leader and role model that Preston had been to Nick. So thus, Preston Edward Topping, you have big shoes to fill. But have no fear, your dad will be there every step of the way to make you into the man that we know you will be someday.

Preston's middle name, Edward, is incredibly special as well. Edward, was Nick's grandfather's name, his dad's middle name, and is both Nick and his brother Jeff's, middle name.

Peyton, is a name that Nick and I have always loved as well. The name Peyton means "from the fighter's farm". People with this name have a deep inner desire to inspire others in a higher cause, and to share their own strongly held views on spiritual matters. People with this name are excited by change, adventure, and excitement. They are dynamic, visionary and versatile, able to make constructive use of freedom. They fight being restricted by rules and conventions. They tend to be optimistic, energetic, intelligent, and to make friends easily. They may be changeable, restless, untidy and rebellious. 

I couldn't think of a better name for our precious Baby B, than Peyton. He is truly a fighter, showing us the strength he has every day by letting not only myself, but Nick and Kaylee feel him move around inside me. He continues to grow and has a very strong heart. We hope that Peyton's story will inspire others in a higher cause. We know that he will do great things standing at God's side and Nick, Kaylee and I couldn't be prouder of him.

Peyton's middle name, Michael, is equally special. As this is my dad and my twin brother, Adam's middle name.

We'd like to officially introduce to you, our sons, Preston Edward and Peyton Michael.

Love and blessings,

Nick, Ashley & Kaylee

I believe in miracles

The past couple of weeks have been nothing but a whirlwind. With little to no sleep, and a very active almost-2 year old, this mom is exhausted!

Last Friday, Nick and I went back to the specialist. After a very sleepless night, I was beyond anxious to get in there and see my little guys. Now, if you know me, you know that I like to build relationships with people. Nick will tell you that I spend too much time asking people questions and getting to know them, but hey--- what can you expect?! I am a woman after all, and I work from home all day.

The 2D Sonogram started off pretty good. Actually, really good. It was such a relief to see both of our guys moving around and growing. Baby A, was literally doing flips inside me. Looks like he's going to be just like his big sister! Baby A is still right on track, measuring about 1 week ahead, which is totally normal for twins. He weighed approximately 10 oz. Baby B, although lagging behind his brother, is still growing. He still has a strong heart rate and moves around just like his brother. It's pretty painful to look at the monitor when they're showing Baby B. I mean, his heart is perfect. His brain is perfect. How can 2 things that you would seriously consider to be life or death, be made so perfectly and then something that seems so simple, mess everything up?! Baby B's stomach continues to grow. Which we discovered is not a good thing. This can actually impact Baby A, and possibly send me into labor. Of course, it's still early and they can't be sure of anything.

The doctor we saw this time, was not the same one as last time. Remember how I said I like to build relationships? Well, this guy was not having it. Instead he was totally impersonable, and acting like Baby B was a thing, instead of a child. He continually said that it would just be best if nature were to take it's course. I seriously wanted to leap off that table and punch that guy in the throat. Anger aside, this doctor was very concerned about Baby A and my health as the pregnancy progresses if Baby B continues to grow. He is actually weighing a pound and a half at this point. (mainly because of the mass in his stomach) He indicated that we may need to look at amniocentesis to relieve some of the fluid from his stomach at some point. But of course, we don't know when that will be. This doctor also made it sound like it was more likely for Baby B to make it to birth (and not survive) than to pass sometime before then.

After leaving the specialist, I found myself beyond angry. I could barely contain my frustration. I mean, this doctor didn't tell me anything that I didn't already know, but yet, I found myself mad. Just downright mad. Was it the way he treated Nick and I? Probably. Needless to say, I am beyond blessed to have Nick and that we are going through this together. He does a great job at trying to distract me and make me laugh (even when I don't want to. :)). Through all of this, Nick and I both agree, we have to do whatever is best for Baby A and me. Needless to say, Nick has more than stepped up and plays both mom and dad most evenings, when I find myself with little to no energy. Seriously, what a Godsend.

Yesterday, we went in to see my OB, Dr. Lynch. What a breath of fresh air. Of course, I trust my doctor and he really helped relieve the stress I was feeling. Something about talking to a professional that actually acts like he cares... man! Dr. Lynch agreed that we need to be seen on a weekly basis to continue to monitor the babies. So next week, we go back to the specialist and the week after, we'll be back to see Dr. Lynch.

Dr. Lynch said I'm measuring around 22 weeks and he found both of the boys' heartbeats instantly. Both still very strong. I expressed some concern to Dr. Lynch regarding some cramping that I've been having. Nothing serious, but enough that I notice it and he prescribed me a muscle relaxer. Oh how I am so thankful for this. Last night was the first night that I have actually slept more than an hour in weeks. It felt amazing.

As the weeks continue, we continue to pray for the miracle for Baby B. We have seriously been so blessed to be supported and prayed for by SO many people. To every person that has said a prayer, sent a card, or offered to help, THANK YOU! Nick, Kaylee and I couldn't be more lucky to have you all in our lives. We will get through this together.

No news is good news...

Today we had our follow up appointment with my OB, Dr. Lynch. We talked through several of the questions that Nick and I came up with over the past week. Questions like, what about delivery? Can I try to have a "normal" birth, or do I have to plan for a c-section? The answer-- you can plan for a normal birth, given Baby A isn't breech. A sigh of relief.

Do we know how long Baby B will make it? Right now, Baby B has a strong heart beat. Still at 158. Dr. Wickstrom will be able to tell us more next week at our sonogram. There is a chance that he could make it all the way to delivery, but Dr. Lynch said that it will be easier on me if that isn't the case. Hmmm... I still don't know what I think of that. Dr. Lynch encouraged us to name the boys so that we can begin referring them by their names. Nick and I agree, and are on a mission to find the perfect names for our boys.

The past week has literally been a lot of ups and downs. We spent the weekend with Nick's family, which was a great distraction. We kept busy and Kaylee absolutely loved playing with her cousins. Nick made Mother's Day a great day for me and I felt very blessed to be part of such a loving family.

It's safe to say that Nick and I still feel like this whole thing is very surreal. Like we're reading a book about someone else. We're both very matter of fact about what's going on, but haven't really absorbed everything that is going to happen over the next 5 months. Is this part of the process? We're in denial? Probably.

I can say this, we are SO excited to have a little baby boy this fall. It's pretty cool that Nick's son will get to carry on the "Gary Topping" name for his family. My mom bought Baby A his first outfits last week, of course anyone that knows Nick, knows that those outfits couldn't be more perfect, as they are orange and navy blue. These same colors will be part of our little guy's nursery. Thanks mom!

Nick, Kaylee and I would like to sincerely thank every single person that has sent a note, prayed for us, or been a listening ear. We have been overwhelmed by the support we have received in such a short period of time. We know that we have a tough road ahead, and we ask that you continue to pray for us. Please also pray for thankfulness. Thankfulness that Baby A is healthy, that I am healthy, that Baby B has a bigger plan than any of us here on Earth can imagine.

In all of this, Nick and I are reminded not to take anything for granted. And we hug each other a little more each day.

Rollercoaster

Where do I begin?

Nick and I kicked off 2014 excited about our year! With the completion of our house coming this year, we couldn't be more excited to start the next chapter of our story.

On February 7th, which just happens to be my dad's and goddaughter's birthday, Nick and I found out that we were expecting! We were SO excited, we couldn't hardly believe it! We instantly began telling our family about our exciting news. Without missing a beat, my dad claimed that we would be having twin boys. Okay okay dad... ;)

February 25th, Nick and I went in for our first sonogram. After a brief scare that weekend, we were hoping and praying for the best. Much to our surprise, we saw a healthy baby. And SURPRISE, a healthy baby B as well. Tears rolled down my face as I couldn't have felt more blessed by the little miracles that Nick and I had created. Nick and I had always wanted twins, and here we were, doing just that! Whew! We couldn't wait to get home and tell our family our "updated" news. :) My dad--- see-- I told you!

March 19th, Nick and I journeyed back to the doctor with another scare. To our relief, after another sonogram, it was determined that everything was A-Okay. We also discovered that our beautiful miracles were fraternal! And so the suspense began! Nick and I could hardly wait for May for when we would find out if we were having boys, girls or one of each!

May 1st, things were about to change. I woke up early that morning to find myself covered in blood. Nick and I headed to the ER and spent the day there, worrying, praying and hoping for the best. After doing a sonogram and waiting for our results (after what seemed like FOREVER), we were told that we would need to see a specialist ASAP. They indicated that they had found a cyst or mass on Baby B's abdomen and that Baby B had little to no amniotic fluid. And that's it, that is all they would tell us. I was put on bed rest and we were sent home heartbroken.

May 6th, we met with our periontologist (specialist for high-risk pregnancies). After a 2 hour sonogram, we were feeling more confident. Baby A was looking great. Everything was developing exactly the way it is supposed to and the baby couldn't be more perfect. Baby B, although we couldn't see as well, we were relieved because we could see Baby B's head, hands, feet, toes, etc. Baby B had a great heart beat (158) and was still growing. Baby B was measuring about 1.5 weeks behind Baby A, however Baby A was measuring about 1 week ahead of schedule. Within an instant, Dr. Wickstrom entered the room to give us our results. They weren't good.

It looks like Baby B isn’t going to make it. Long story short, early in the process, the bladder and the kidneys did not form their "connection" correctly and they couldn’t work together to produce and distribute the amniotic fluid. They were just pumping fluid to the stomach, which then caused the cyst/mass to develop. There is very little amniotic fluid so the lungs will not form correctly and there is no chance of survival for twin B.

I will continue to carry Baby B until delivery no matter what. Baby B could either be alive until he exits the womb or he will eventually pass away within me and I will deliver Baby B with Baby A.

I was instantly overcome by emotion. Nick and I held each other, as Dr. Wickstrom proceeded to tell us to take as much time as we need. That none of this was our fault, there was nothing we could have done to prevent our precious Baby B from having this happen. She empathized with us, expressing all the fears and angers that were going through my mind. How could I possibly be happy the day Baby A will be born, when Baby B will die... the thoughts were swarming through my head. 

Dr. Wickstrom assured us that both Baby A and my health would not be affected by Baby B since they were fraternal twins held separately in separate placentas. We also know that they are both boys and Baby A  looks very healthy. She advised that we see Dr. Lynch (my OBGYN) on a weekly basis and we see here every 3 weeks for monitoring. 

As Nick and I headed home, I found myself completely numb. On one hand, I wanted to be happy. We were going to have a healthy BABY BOY! But as soon as I felt happy, I instantly felt regret, mad and sad. How could I be happy?! I am going to lose one of my boys.

Nick and I have found peace knowing that God needs one of our little boys just as much, and more than we do and will be asking him to join him in Heaven. This little guy is going to be watching over his brother and sister. 

Nick and I are doing okay. It's really tough and sometimes hard to be strong, when we just want to break down. But we'll be okay. We are so fortunate to have so much love and support surrounding us. Please continue to pray for us as we embark down our "new" journey over the next 5 months as we prepare for the birth and passing of our twin boys.