"My journey hasn't been easy, but I'm still... standing, laughing, forgiving, loving, learning & living. I'm perfectly imperfect."
We all have a plan in life. One, that, although I would love to have control over, I do not. Simply put, God's plan is much greater than I could imagine. And, unfortunately, it is something that I cannot just pull my magic eight ball out to see what my future entails.
The thing is, when they talk about mother's intuition, there really is some truth to that. You see, I can distinctly remember having a conversation with my mom several months ago saying that I really wanted to write a book. Share our story, so that others out there going through something similar could use my writing as an outlet for coping. I ended the conversation saying, that I want to write it, but my story wasn't complete yet. I just felt like there was more.
When I found out we were expecting twins again, I knew this was my "more" to the story. I couldn't help but think we were getting a second chance to raise twins.
The saying "God doesn't give you more than you can handle," is really a saying I'm getting tired of these days though.
Yesterday, I woke up ready to conquer the world. I read a few blogs before starting my day and even shared a post about everyone going through struggles and how we handle them. That afternoon, we went to Shawnee Mission Medical Center for our 20-week sonogram and high-risk appointment. We weren't being labeled as high risk, for any other reason, other than the fact that we were expecting twins again, and with our history, my OB wanted to play it safe. I'm good with safe. I'm good with a plan.
About half-way into our sonogram, Nick sent me a text. "I'm nervous", is all it said.
On pins and needles and an hour and 45 minutes of scanning later, the sonographer informed us that she needed to talk to Dr. Wickstrom, our specialist. Nick and I knew immediately that something was indeed wrong. Panic was setting in. I knew there was a reason I hadn't slept the night before. Tossing and turning, but not really sure why.
Dr. Wickstrom informed us that Baby A was perfectly healthy. Brain and heart look great. Growing right on track and a very active baby boy.
Baby B's (another sweet baby boy) heart and brain looked good (I actually had to call to confirm this after the fact - everything is such a blur), and he was measuring right on track. However, it appears that his right arm did not form the way it should have. If I stood here and told you that I held my head up high and remained strong when we were given this news, I would be lying. I was a complete wreck. I couldn't contain my tears, or my emotions. I literally felt like I was in a crazy dream. Someone pinch me so I could just wake up from this nightmare.
There is really no explanation for why this happened. And no explanation for how either.
We are automatically being referred to the team at Children's Mercy. We will meet with an orthopedic surgeon and a whole team of doctors there to discuss Baby B and his future. We understand that he will have surgeries in his future. We just do not know when or how often or any details really, right now. We hope to know more in the coming weeks once we have made our visit to CM.
Now, this by no means will impact if Baby B will survive or not. He WILL survive. Does this mean that he will live a different life than his twin brother? Not if I have a say. He might have to adjust how he does things, but with technology and strong-willed parents, he WILL persevere.
Despite being heartbroken that we are once again, faced with hardship, I am confident that we will look back on this moment in time and it will be a small memory compared to what the future holds for Baby B. This is a trying time in our lives and is truly a test of our faith, our marriage, and everything in between. It's only been almost two years since Peyton passed away-- something that may seem like "just an arm" has stirred up emotions we didn't know existed.
Please pray for strength for our family. Pray that we remain each other's rock and that we continue to lean on our faith to pull us through. Going through something like this is not easy. It plain sucks, and we find ourselves questioning what the purpose of all of this is. Pray for us today, but tomorrow, pray for our son. Pray for his future and that this is all we are dealing with.
"it's not the disability that defines you; it's how you deal with the challenges the disability presents you with." - Jim Abbott