I believe in miracles

The past couple of weeks have been nothing but a whirlwind. With little to no sleep, and a very active almost-2 year old, this mom is exhausted!

Last Friday, Nick and I went back to the specialist. After a very sleepless night, I was beyond anxious to get in there and see my little guys. Now, if you know me, you know that I like to build relationships with people. Nick will tell you that I spend too much time asking people questions and getting to know them, but hey--- what can you expect?! I am a woman after all, and I work from home all day.

The 2D Sonogram started off pretty good. Actually, really good. It was such a relief to see both of our guys moving around and growing. Baby A, was literally doing flips inside me. Looks like he's going to be just like his big sister! Baby A is still right on track, measuring about 1 week ahead, which is totally normal for twins. He weighed approximately 10 oz. Baby B, although lagging behind his brother, is still growing. He still has a strong heart rate and moves around just like his brother. It's pretty painful to look at the monitor when they're showing Baby B. I mean, his heart is perfect. His brain is perfect. How can 2 things that you would seriously consider to be life or death, be made so perfectly and then something that seems so simple, mess everything up?! Baby B's stomach continues to grow. Which we discovered is not a good thing. This can actually impact Baby A, and possibly send me into labor. Of course, it's still early and they can't be sure of anything.

The doctor we saw this time, was not the same one as last time. Remember how I said I like to build relationships? Well, this guy was not having it. Instead he was totally impersonable, and acting like Baby B was a thing, instead of a child. He continually said that it would just be best if nature were to take it's course. I seriously wanted to leap off that table and punch that guy in the throat. Anger aside, this doctor was very concerned about Baby A and my health as the pregnancy progresses if Baby B continues to grow. He is actually weighing a pound and a half at this point. (mainly because of the mass in his stomach) He indicated that we may need to look at amniocentesis to relieve some of the fluid from his stomach at some point. But of course, we don't know when that will be. This doctor also made it sound like it was more likely for Baby B to make it to birth (and not survive) than to pass sometime before then.

After leaving the specialist, I found myself beyond angry. I could barely contain my frustration. I mean, this doctor didn't tell me anything that I didn't already know, but yet, I found myself mad. Just downright mad. Was it the way he treated Nick and I? Probably. Needless to say, I am beyond blessed to have Nick and that we are going through this together. He does a great job at trying to distract me and make me laugh (even when I don't want to. :)). Through all of this, Nick and I both agree, we have to do whatever is best for Baby A and me. Needless to say, Nick has more than stepped up and plays both mom and dad most evenings, when I find myself with little to no energy. Seriously, what a Godsend.

Yesterday, we went in to see my OB, Dr. Lynch. What a breath of fresh air. Of course, I trust my doctor and he really helped relieve the stress I was feeling. Something about talking to a professional that actually acts like he cares... man! Dr. Lynch agreed that we need to be seen on a weekly basis to continue to monitor the babies. So next week, we go back to the specialist and the week after, we'll be back to see Dr. Lynch.

Dr. Lynch said I'm measuring around 22 weeks and he found both of the boys' heartbeats instantly. Both still very strong. I expressed some concern to Dr. Lynch regarding some cramping that I've been having. Nothing serious, but enough that I notice it and he prescribed me a muscle relaxer. Oh how I am so thankful for this. Last night was the first night that I have actually slept more than an hour in weeks. It felt amazing.

As the weeks continue, we continue to pray for the miracle for Baby B. We have seriously been so blessed to be supported and prayed for by SO many people. To every person that has said a prayer, sent a card, or offered to help, THANK YOU! Nick, Kaylee and I couldn't be more lucky to have you all in our lives. We will get through this together.

No news is good news...

Today we had our follow up appointment with my OB, Dr. Lynch. We talked through several of the questions that Nick and I came up with over the past week. Questions like, what about delivery? Can I try to have a "normal" birth, or do I have to plan for a c-section? The answer-- you can plan for a normal birth, given Baby A isn't breech. A sigh of relief.

Do we know how long Baby B will make it? Right now, Baby B has a strong heart beat. Still at 158. Dr. Wickstrom will be able to tell us more next week at our sonogram. There is a chance that he could make it all the way to delivery, but Dr. Lynch said that it will be easier on me if that isn't the case. Hmmm... I still don't know what I think of that. Dr. Lynch encouraged us to name the boys so that we can begin referring them by their names. Nick and I agree, and are on a mission to find the perfect names for our boys.

The past week has literally been a lot of ups and downs. We spent the weekend with Nick's family, which was a great distraction. We kept busy and Kaylee absolutely loved playing with her cousins. Nick made Mother's Day a great day for me and I felt very blessed to be part of such a loving family.

It's safe to say that Nick and I still feel like this whole thing is very surreal. Like we're reading a book about someone else. We're both very matter of fact about what's going on, but haven't really absorbed everything that is going to happen over the next 5 months. Is this part of the process? We're in denial? Probably.

I can say this, we are SO excited to have a little baby boy this fall. It's pretty cool that Nick's son will get to carry on the "Gary Topping" name for his family. My mom bought Baby A his first outfits last week, of course anyone that knows Nick, knows that those outfits couldn't be more perfect, as they are orange and navy blue. These same colors will be part of our little guy's nursery. Thanks mom!

Nick, Kaylee and I would like to sincerely thank every single person that has sent a note, prayed for us, or been a listening ear. We have been overwhelmed by the support we have received in such a short period of time. We know that we have a tough road ahead, and we ask that you continue to pray for us. Please also pray for thankfulness. Thankfulness that Baby A is healthy, that I am healthy, that Baby B has a bigger plan than any of us here on Earth can imagine.

In all of this, Nick and I are reminded not to take anything for granted. And we hug each other a little more each day.

Rollercoaster

Where do I begin?

Nick and I kicked off 2014 excited about our year! With the completion of our house coming this year, we couldn't be more excited to start the next chapter of our story.

On February 7th, which just happens to be my dad's and goddaughter's birthday, Nick and I found out that we were expecting! We were SO excited, we couldn't hardly believe it! We instantly began telling our family about our exciting news. Without missing a beat, my dad claimed that we would be having twin boys. Okay okay dad... ;)

February 25th, Nick and I went in for our first sonogram. After a brief scare that weekend, we were hoping and praying for the best. Much to our surprise, we saw a healthy baby. And SURPRISE, a healthy baby B as well. Tears rolled down my face as I couldn't have felt more blessed by the little miracles that Nick and I had created. Nick and I had always wanted twins, and here we were, doing just that! Whew! We couldn't wait to get home and tell our family our "updated" news. :) My dad--- see-- I told you!

March 19th, Nick and I journeyed back to the doctor with another scare. To our relief, after another sonogram, it was determined that everything was A-Okay. We also discovered that our beautiful miracles were fraternal! And so the suspense began! Nick and I could hardly wait for May for when we would find out if we were having boys, girls or one of each!

May 1st, things were about to change. I woke up early that morning to find myself covered in blood. Nick and I headed to the ER and spent the day there, worrying, praying and hoping for the best. After doing a sonogram and waiting for our results (after what seemed like FOREVER), we were told that we would need to see a specialist ASAP. They indicated that they had found a cyst or mass on Baby B's abdomen and that Baby B had little to no amniotic fluid. And that's it, that is all they would tell us. I was put on bed rest and we were sent home heartbroken.

May 6th, we met with our periontologist (specialist for high-risk pregnancies). After a 2 hour sonogram, we were feeling more confident. Baby A was looking great. Everything was developing exactly the way it is supposed to and the baby couldn't be more perfect. Baby B, although we couldn't see as well, we were relieved because we could see Baby B's head, hands, feet, toes, etc. Baby B had a great heart beat (158) and was still growing. Baby B was measuring about 1.5 weeks behind Baby A, however Baby A was measuring about 1 week ahead of schedule. Within an instant, Dr. Wickstrom entered the room to give us our results. They weren't good.

It looks like Baby B isn’t going to make it. Long story short, early in the process, the bladder and the kidneys did not form their "connection" correctly and they couldn’t work together to produce and distribute the amniotic fluid. They were just pumping fluid to the stomach, which then caused the cyst/mass to develop. There is very little amniotic fluid so the lungs will not form correctly and there is no chance of survival for twin B.

I will continue to carry Baby B until delivery no matter what. Baby B could either be alive until he exits the womb or he will eventually pass away within me and I will deliver Baby B with Baby A.

I was instantly overcome by emotion. Nick and I held each other, as Dr. Wickstrom proceeded to tell us to take as much time as we need. That none of this was our fault, there was nothing we could have done to prevent our precious Baby B from having this happen. She empathized with us, expressing all the fears and angers that were going through my mind. How could I possibly be happy the day Baby A will be born, when Baby B will die... the thoughts were swarming through my head. 

Dr. Wickstrom assured us that both Baby A and my health would not be affected by Baby B since they were fraternal twins held separately in separate placentas. We also know that they are both boys and Baby A  looks very healthy. She advised that we see Dr. Lynch (my OBGYN) on a weekly basis and we see here every 3 weeks for monitoring. 

As Nick and I headed home, I found myself completely numb. On one hand, I wanted to be happy. We were going to have a healthy BABY BOY! But as soon as I felt happy, I instantly felt regret, mad and sad. How could I be happy?! I am going to lose one of my boys.

Nick and I have found peace knowing that God needs one of our little boys just as much, and more than we do and will be asking him to join him in Heaven. This little guy is going to be watching over his brother and sister. 

Nick and I are doing okay. It's really tough and sometimes hard to be strong, when we just want to break down. But we'll be okay. We are so fortunate to have so much love and support surrounding us. Please continue to pray for us as we embark down our "new" journey over the next 5 months as we prepare for the birth and passing of our twin boys.