Yesterday, we headed back to our specialist, Dr. Wickstrom, to have another sonogram to determine if Peyton still had fluid or not. I can honestly say, that although we should have been prepared for the worst. We were not. We've been so focused on all of the good things going on in our life right now, that we honestly hadn't spent a lot of time thinking that our "good" news from 3 weeks ago would change. Until yesterday.
The sonogram went really well. For those of you that don't know. In a twin pregnancy, with sonograms, they always start with Baby A, and then move to Baby B. Preston, is A and Peyton is B. Preston is looking great! Moving around like crazy, we even saw him kicking his brother in the head several times. Nick and I couldn't help but laugh. He's growing literally on track, to the day. (I'll be 26 weeks tomorrow) He weighs 1 pound 13 ounces right now and is breech. A perfectly healthy baby boy.
By the time the sonographer had completed her measurements of Preston, I was literally exhausted. (45 minutes of looking at Preston). The anticipation of seeing Peyton was killing me. As the sonographer moved to Peyton, I felt a little relief. We weren't able to see his face right away because he was facing my back. But we could see all of his limbs-- his heart beating and him moving around too. In our last sonogram, they had expressed concern for scoliosis (curved spine). In this sonogram, we discovered that that was not the case. Peyton's spine is perfectly straight. I literally looked at Nick and said-- we've got this! If his spine is straight, that's amazing! They were also concerned about club feet. We weren't able to get a good look at Peyton's feet because of the way he was positioned, but I literally found myself saying-- that's something that can be fixed., he can live a happy healthy life too!
Now, I know that I should know better. After all, Nick and I had both said that we were not going to get our hopes up. But as parents, when you see firsthand all of these things that are so important for a healthy child, it's SO hard not to. Peyton is actually head down. Both he and Preston are laying with their heads next to each other. Peyton's stomach has shrunk considerably, but still has a small mass. He's weighing 1 pound 15 oz and is measuring about a week behind Preston. But, unfortunately, Peyton has almost zero fluid around his body. Thus, Peyton's lungs will not be able to develop correctly.
Honestly, Nick and I are both crushed. The pain and anxiety that have been building up over the past 10 weeks hit an all-time high. Dr. Wickstrom explained that we were back to where we were before 3 weeks ago. That Peyton will likely make it to birth, but will not survive past that.
No parent should ever have to go through this. Ever. It just doesn't seem fair. We still find ourselves caught in a fog. Finding it near impossible to believe that our son is actually going to die. Really? Is this how life is supposed to be? You live your whole life, feeling nearly invincible and suddenly you find it hard for even yourself to breath.
We are clinging to our faith right now. Of course, praying praying praying for a miracle for Peyton.
Today, is a new day. Today we begin the process of figuring our what's next. Focusing on a healthy Preston, and planning for how we can make Peyton more than just a memory.
Please continue to pray for us. Pray for strength as we have the tough conversations of burying our child. Pray for strength to celebrate BOTH of our twins. Pray for strength that we are strong for Kaylee. We can use all the prayers we can get right now.
Nick, Ashley & Kaylee
Here are a few pictures of Peyton and Preston:
Babies' heads together. Preston is on the left. Peyton is on the right.
Peyton - profile pic
Preston - profile pic