The date is set! 9/29/14

It's official! The twins' birth date has been set! 9/29/14. The boys are scheduled for a c-section delivery. It will be a GREAT day and the day that we start this next chapter. No matter the outcome, Nick, Kaylee and I are very excited to meet our boys.

We're as ready as we can be! The boys' room is complete and we've got our bags packed!

Here's a little glimpse of the boys' room. :)

We have continued our weekly appointments at Children's Mercy. We have just 2 appointments left! Last week, we were able to tour the labor and delivery area as well as the NICU. It was a little overwhelming to say the least, but we made it through. These appointments are a little exhausting, lasting 4 hours+ every time. The benefits of working from home, allowing Nick and I to bring our computers/phones to get some work done while we wait.

The twins are continuing to grow and move around like crazy. The Bio Physical Profile exams on Preston have come back great and both boys have passed their Non Stress Tests with flying colors. Last week, we did see a small amount of fluid around Peyton. Which was amazing in and of itself. God just keeps giving us little signs here and there to remind us that everything is going to be okay! The doctors were very clear not to get our hopes up, but once again, they couldn't explain where the fluid was coming from.

We've also been stocking up on lots of navy blue and orange for the boys. Daddy is bound and determined that these boys will be decked out in Broncos gear for the next 3 months! LOL. The picture below on the left is of onesies that my cousin Elizabeth made for the boys. The picture on the right is of the stock that Nick ordered. :)

Preston and Peyton - mom and dad and your big sister Kaylee are SO excited to meet you. Although this is a very scary time for all of us, we are also reminded of how great of a time in our life this is. No matter the outcome, we are ready to take the journey with the two of you. Know that we have loved you both since the time we found out we were expecting and not a second goes by that we don't think about both of you! I am sincerely going to miss carrying you both, feeling your every move every second of the day. These next two weeks will go very fast, and your dad and I are clinging to every one of those seconds to make them memorable for us all.

We love you to the moon and back!

Thank you to everyone for the continued prayers and support. This will probably be our last update until the twins are born. We couldn't have made it this far without each and every one of your prayers.

This is a song that Nick and I have loved since we very first started dating. It would never fail that this song would be played at church when we went together. I don't think I can find a song more fitting than this for us over the next two weeks.

Much love,

Nick, Ashley and Kaylee

Climbing uphill...

I normally don't find it hard for me to write on here. Usually, the words just come to me and I type away. I began blogging our twins' experience, not for attention, but rather for any families out there that may be facing the same challenges that we are facing. It's a tough world, and sometimes it makes it easier to know that someone else has been in your shoes before. Even if you never meet them, reading their story can sometimes help. 

Today, the words just aren't there for us. Today, Nick and I are struggling. We're in pain and we're terrified of reaching the top of the hill we are climbing. 

When we went back to the doctor last Friday, we were both ready to have more answers, and to begin understanding all of our options for when the boys are born. Another 4.5 hour appointment would leave us exhausted, numb and completely overwhelmed.

We began our appointment meeting with pre-admissions. In order to deliver at Children's Mercy, you have to "pass a test" to make sure that you are indeed healthy enough to deliver at the hospital. Because this is a children's hospital, they want to be sure that the moms will be healthy. The good news, I passed. :) Not that I was concerned, but hey, you just never know these days. :)

Next, we met with anesthesiology. They explained that with a c-section, I would expect to have a spinal and partial epidural. To think about this is no big deal to me. Actually it sounds like a breeze to get this done, especially since I won't be contracting when this happens.

Next, we met with the social worker. Basically, this person is there to help answer any questions we may have and provide us any outlets of support that we may need. Nick and I both just smiled during this visit, explaining that we were good. No questions. (The real questions would come later on during the day). 

Next, we met with our sonographer. Here, she took measurements, did a bio physical profile on both boys and we got to see them moving around and their little hearts beating, which was great. Nothing new to report on the boys. They are both growing, super active and everything looks great! 

After the sono--- we met with Dr. Bennett-- the head of periontology for Children's Mercy. Dr. Bennett was the doctor that Dr. Lynch had hoped we would get, so we were very excited that we were able to have him selected for us. Dr. Bennett is a great guy. He's very transparent about what's going on and is all about discussing our options together. We determined that we would continue to do bio physical profile testing on Preston, but that we would only be doing NST's (non-stress tests) on both Preston and Peyton. Basically-- the BPP would not report correctly because of the lack of fluid for Peyton-- so his score would always be skewed. Dr. Bennett was very sincere in everything he did and said. And he was brought to tears when we began to discuss Peyton's condition. At this point, Dr. Bennett agrees--- Peyton's obstruction to the bladder seems accurate. Dr. Bennett said that the proof will be in the pudding when Peyton is born and we really can't make decisions until we truly know what we are dealing with. 

After meeting with Dr. Bennett, we went to meet for an integrated consult. During the consult, we met wtih Dr. Willig, head of Nephrology (kidneys), Dr. Carter, head of Neonatology, and a representative from the Palliative Care Team (PaCT). This consultation would deem to be the most revealing of what the future holds to date. Dr. Carter began talking to us immediately about Peyton and his lung development. He explained the same things that Dr. Killbride had in regards to lung development and options for birth. He explained that there is a lot that can be done and we will have to take every fork in the road, one at a time. This part of the conversation wasn't too bad, and honestly seemed manageable. They will indeed know pretty quickly what will need to be done in order to ensure Peyton's lungs are working correctly and will be able to provide us with guidance on to the if this, then this scenarios.

Next, Dr. Willig, the nephrologist spoke to us regarding Peyton's kidneys. Again, until Peyton is born, we really won't know the severity of the situation. However, at this point, they are referring to it as chronic kidney failure. Call us crazy, naive, ignorant... all of the above. We had NO idea what that actually meant. To us, Peyton would just get a transplant and be fine. What this actually means?? Peyton will need to be put on dialysis ASAP. He will be in the hospital, at a minimum of 4 months. He will need dialysis every single day until he is big enough for a transplant. He will not be big enough until approximately 2 years of age. He will be on 8+ pills/medicine a day for the rest of his life. The first transplant will do the best. Yes, that's right--- Peyton's kidney transplant will only last for so long. It could last anywhere from 2-10 years. He will not be able to live the same life as his brother. The doctors all explained that we could expect a life of living more IN the hospital than not, his entire life. The list of risk and complications is literally a mile long. 

You probably could have knocked me over with a feather at that point. We just really didn't understand the quality of life that Peyton would face. AND on the other side of this, there is the quality of life for Kaylee and Preston too. I'd be lying if I said this was easy and we'll take all of this information in stride too. It actually just plain sucks. I never thought I would question God and his decisions. But I have definitely wondered why he chose us to be Peyton's parents lately. I don't know that I'm strong enough for all of this. There are SO many tough decisions ahead of us and at the end of the day, sometimes you just want to throw your hands up and give up. But then again, that's not who we are. We would never just give up. So, instead, we continue to live. We continue to smile and laugh and have fun. When all is said and done, we will have three beautiful children that we will never stop loving. It is truly in God's hands to determine the path that we're going. 

Our heads have been spinning since we left Children's Mercy on Friday. Nick and I have an incredibly difficult road ahead when it comes to decisions. At this point, the anticipation of reaching the top of this hill we have been climbing for nearly 5 months is probably the hardest part. When confronted with reality, we will make the best decisions for us as a family. At this point, we have no idea what those will be. We are confident in the staff at Children's Mercy and we are confident in each other that we will do what is best for our children. No matter what. 

In the coming weeks, please continue to pray for healthy lungs and kidneys. Miracles happen every day. 

Less than 6 weeks to go!

At the very most, we have 38 days until we meet our little guys. WOW! How time flies! I can hardly believe that it is almost September! To say we are excited, nervous, and anxious is an understatement. :)

Last week was the week that we had been anticipating for over a month. The day we visited Children's Mercy. Of course, as one would imagine, I didn't sleep the night before, trying to remember all the questions I had and typing, deleting and retyping them into my phone so my pregnancy brain wouldn't get the best of me. :) We started our trip downtown, walked into Children's Mercy and I was instantly overcome with emotion. This isn't necessarily a hospital where you see lots of healthy people. As we checked in with security, we discovered that Nick didn't have his wallet. And of course, you have to provide your DL in order to get in to the facility. Here I was worried about my pregnancy brain and forgot all about how bad Nick's has been. In a panic, I of course began to cry and I'm pretty sure everyone thought I was crazy. Needless to say, after a quick phone call to my contact there, they let Nick in. Whew! Nothing like starting our visit off with that!

The first person we met with was the Genetics team. This part of the meeting walked us through our family history. Basically, they are trying to determine if any of the things going on with Peyton are genetically related. The conversation basically went like this: Ashley, do you have any siblings? Yes--- I have a twin brother, a sister and another younger brother. Ashley, do you all have the same mommy and daddy? Yes. Do any of your siblings have children?.... this part actually got kind of comical-- as the questions continue on to ask how many siblings my parents have, etc. The lady was shocked to find that my dad's mom had had 2 sets of twins herself. Needless to say, after walking through our family medical history, it was determined that none of this is genetically related.

Next, we met with the sonogram team. A 2 hour sonogram would basically tell us nothing new. The boys weren't necessarily being the most cooperative that day though. They were both moving around like crazy and it was really hard to capture solid images. At one point, the sonographer asked me to turn on my right side so that she could get a better look. It wasn't until that moment did Nick get the full picture of how bad my darn sciatic nerve has been bothering me. As it literally took me about 5 minutes to get to my right side. Holy OW! Literally, the pain takes my breath away. But, nonetheless, I made it to my side and that helped her catch some of the images she wasn't able to get earlier. So the pain was worth it. :) When the sonogram was complete, the director of the sono team came in to tell us that Peyton had no fluid and that his kidneys looked small. Surprise surprise. This is what we've been seeing for weeks now.

Next, we met with the urologist. Unfortunately, Dr. Gatti didn't feel that there was much that he could do for Peyton. At least not right now. He explained that Peyton's bladder is actually 2 times the size of a normal adult bladder and it is actually causing his stomach to protrude outwards. Our poor little guy. :( He explained that at this point in the pregnancy, there really isn't anything he can do and we would have to wait and see what happens at birth in order to determine a plan. First and foremost, we have to determine how his lungs have developed, which will not be able to  be identified until birth.

Next, we met with the head of Neonatology, Dr. Kilbride. Dr. Kilbride explained that Peyton's chances for survival aren't great. BUT, there is a chance. Because Peyton is a twin, there is a possibility that he is absorbing some of Preston's fluid, which would allow his lungs to develop. There is also a possibility that there may be a small pocket of fluid that we just aren't seeing. Dr. Kilbride explained that it takes the tiniest amount of fluid to allow for lung development, so he wasn't giving up hope. Of course, he didn't want to get our hopes up. If we make it through the lung obstacle, we still have his kidneys and bladder to worry about. Depending on the findings, Peyton could be placed on dialysis as early as 6 days old. Dr. Kilbride explained that on the day of delivery, they would take Peyton immediately to an operating room adjacent to where I would deliver the boys (Nick would be able to walk between the 2 rooms) and they would assess Peyton. He explained that they would be able to tell within 30 minutes to 1 hour the situation. Basically, what would need to be done, if anything. There are extreme measures that can be taken, such as artificial lungs, etc., or it may be that a catheter is placed in Peyton's bladder and a steroid shot is done for lung development. They just won't know until they can actually meet him. A LOT of information to take in, and digest.

All of this taken into consideration, Dr. Kilbride strongly recommended that we deliver at Children's Mercy. That way, they are 100% prepared for Peyton. On the flip side of this, he did warn that they are used to caring for sick children, not necessarily healthy children. So for Preston, we will need to make sure we provide any specific instructions on his care if we have any.

The next day, we met with my OB, Dr. Lynch. Dr. Lynch 100% agreed that the best decision would be to deliver at Children's Mercy. He agreed that we should go ahead and proceed with transferring all of our care there so that we do not have to continually retell our story over and over and that the doctors there become familiar with us. Especially since we are looking at less than 6 weeks to go. Nick and I both felt SO much better after talking to Dr. Lynch about delivering at Children's Mercy, we just know it is the right decision. Dr. Lynch was also able to calm some of my fears about having a c-section. Because of course, I was freaking out about that too! :)

So, this week, we will begin meeting with the team at Children's Mercy on a weekly basis. Every week, we will have a sonogram completed and a non-stress test to determine if I am having any contractions and if they are placing any stress on the babies. We will meet with our new OBGYN and Periontologist and officially select a date for the c-section. (Preston is still breach so this is our only option.). We still need to meet with a nefrologist (kidney doctor) and we will also meet with the entire neonatology team to discuss every option possible for the care of Peyton and where our "stopping" point is. On one hand, we don't want to put Peyton through extreme measures, but on the other hand, we don't want to give up on him either. Sitting down with the team and determining our options up front will hopefully relieve some of the stress that will come on their birth day.

All in all, last week was exhausting. BUT, we did get some answers. We're hoping for more of a concrete plan after we head back to CM this week Friday. At the end of the day, we know that we will be in the best hands possible.

Thank you thank you thank you again for all of the prayers! Please continue to pray for healthy lungs and kidneys. I keep having dreams about both boys. And almost on a daily basis, I have visions of our life as a family of 5. Nick and I have joked several times that we are going to have to buy a new car in order to fit everyone when we go home from the hospital. :) That is definitely a problem we would LOVE to have!

Love,
Nick, Ashley and Kaylee

We are always more afraid than we wish to be, but we can always be braver than we expect.

It's hard to believe that 2 more weeks have passed by. It's crazy to think that in less than 8 weeks, we will be opening another chapter of this book and continuing our story with our children. I feel like we blinked and it's August!

Yesterday, we met with Dr. Lynch, my OBGYN. No new news, just checked for growth progress and heart rates. Both the boys' heart rates were great-- about 8 beats apart from one another. I'm measuring 34 weeks (I'm 30 weeks tomorrow). We talked to Dr. Lynch about our upcoming appointment at Children's Mercy. Dr. Lynch assured us that we weren't these crazy parents just hanging on to every ounce of hope. He says that at the end of the day, getting a 2nd opinion is great. Because, at this point, there is still this big question mark with Peyton. From the outside, this pregnancy has been pretty much by the book. But when you start to look inside and knowing that Peyton has no fluid, it's hard to understand how he can possibly still be growing, moving and do the same things that Preston is doing. Dr. Lynch explained that if we settle on a plan with Children's Mercy and decide to deliver there, we will not have him as our doctor because CM is in MO. UGH. But, at the end of the day, when the boys are born, if there is a chance for Peyton and we deliver at Shawnee Mission, it is guaranteed that not only will I be separated from Peyton, but so will Preston. That is just not something that we want to have happen.

Today, we met with Dr. Wickstrom, my specialist. Again, no new news. The boys are growing like crazy. Preston is measuring on track to the day, and weighing 3 lbs. 2 oz. Peyton is measuring a few weeks behind and weighing 4 lbs. 7 oz. Of course, we have to accommodate the mass in his stomach-- we're guessing that there is a 29% discrepancy. So that would make Peyton around 3 lbs without the mass. Poor baby boy. To put things into perspective, I'm essentially 30 weeks pregnant and have approx. 6 lbs. 2 oz of "baby" in me. At 40 weeks, 2 days pregnant with Kaylee, she was born at 6 lbs. 8.2 oz. No wonder I feel so big!!

Preston is still breach, but Peyton is head down. These boys are active active active! The girl doing our sonogram was definitely feeling every move, kick and turn from them today! (Side note-- it is SUCH a small world. Our sonographer happens to be from Holton and her mom and my aunt Kathy are good friends and used to work together! You just never know who you know. :)) Dr. Wickstrom says that everything is looking good. I'm not having any contractions, no Braxton Hicks, no nothing, so she feels very confident that I will make it to the date we have tentatively selected. October 3rd. :) I will be 37 weeks 6 days at that point. And, it's my mom's birthday. :) It will be a very special day. We will wait to set the date in stone until after we have met with the team at Children's Mercy. Dr. Wickstrom is anxious to see what the team at CM has to say, as this pregnancy is nothing like anything she has seen before. There is no sign that any of Peyton's organs are failing, his heart is strong, and he is active. He is definitely a fighter.

We will head to Children's Mercy Fetal Health Center August 20th. A little less than 2 weeks away. Although, we would have loved to have gone in sooner, we understand how difficult it is to get in front of the entire team. While we are there, we will meet with a Urologist, the Genetics doctor, the Neonatologist, and several other people to determine the "birth plan" for our boys. They will be doing an in-depth sonogram to see if they can find any fluid around Peyton and then we will hopefully have some answers. From there, we will make the decision to either deliver at Children's Mercy or Shawnee Mission.

We are definitely ready to get a plan in place for our little guys. We aren't giving up hope and we are praying constantly. Last night, I had my first dream about our little guys. One looked just like Nick and the other one looked a lot like me. They were about 9 months old and crawling around and playing. I can't help but think God was sending me a sign.

Again, thank you for all of the prayers and thoughts of our family. To everyone that stops and tells our family how much you are praying for us, thank you. It really means the world and gives us strength and courage every day! We couldn't do it without your support. 

<3,

Nick, Ashley and Kaylee

Ignorance is a temporary affliction, remedied by asking the right questions.

Hello there.

Nick and I wanted to provide you all with a little update from our appointments last week. Last Thursday, we met with my OB - Dr. Lynch for our "regular" appointment. These appointments are great-- we get to hear the boys' heartbeats, see how I'm measuring (31 weeks--- 3 weeks ahead), and of course I get to see how much weight I've gained. :) Although I'm not a big fan of that part. ;) Our appointments with Dr. Lynch are a little less stressful, and I actually look forward to these appointments. Dr. Lynch instantly found both of the boys' heartbeats. Peyton's was registering around 150 and Preston's, around 140. Dr. Lynch thought that maybe since Preston's had decreased his heart rate slightly, that maybe he had turned head down.

We discussed with Dr. Lynch a plan for delivery. More or less, he basically said that he thought we would go to 38 weeks. Basically, deliver sometime during that 38th week. Of course, this could all change based on what we would find out the next day with Dr. Wickstrom, our specialist. Ultimately, Dr. Lynch said that he 100% supported our decision to do a planned c-section and said that at our next appointment in 2 weeks, we could set the date. Woah!

The next morning, we went in to see Dr. Wickstrom for our specialist appointment. Both boys were moving around like crazy, but we were able to capture more pictures and get everything accomplished they were looking to do that day. We discovered that Preston is still breech and that Peyton is transverse. So at this point-- c-section is our only option. (Might just be God's way of making sure that we're able to "stick" to some sort of plan:)). We asked Dr. Wickstrom about delivery--- she said that she would want to take the twins at 37 weeks. Timeout-- my twin brother is getting married that day-- I'm not missing that. So Dr. Wickstrom agreed that we could deliver "during" the 37th week, basically anytime between Sept. 29 and Oct. 3. There is no indication at this point that says I would go any sooner than that, so we are hoping to get that date scheduled next week when we head back to my OB.

Nick and I began asking a few more questions about the actual delivery. What can we expect? Will there be a team there to try to "save" Peyton? What about surgery? The list goes on. We explained that we want to do everything we can in order to make sure that the diagnosis they have given Peyton is indeed correct. However, on the other hand, if it is correct, we don't want to waste any time not having the opportunity to spend with Peyton. Of course, we don't want to overshadow Preston either. We want to make sure that we are able to bond with Preston, nurse him, bathe him, etc. Our minds seriously move a million miles a minute when we start thinking about "birth day". After listening to Nick and I, Dr. Wickstrom recommended that we meet with the NEO NATO team at Shawnee Mission in order to determine what our options are the day of birth. She said that someone would call me this week to schedule.

So we have a plan. Somewhat. Or at least we're heading in the direction of making a plan. :)

After we got home, Nick and I decided that we should call Dr. Andrews--- our pediatrician, just to loop her in on what's been happening over the past month or so since we saw her in June with Kaylee. Dr. Andrews is seriously amazing. She ended up having a conversation with Dr. Wickstrom that same day and they decided that we should actually meet with the Fetal Health Team at Children's Mercy before meeting with the NEO NATO team. The team at Children's Mercy is the best of the best and they will do a series of tests, an MRI, echocardiogram, etc. in order to see if Peyton's lungs are developing, what pace, etc. Once we have met with them, they will help us formulate a plan. Nothing like shifting gears a little bit. But let me just say, Nick and I are not complaining. And we're not giving up hope. Thanks to Dr. Jen (Andrews), she listened to us and helped guide us in the direction we wanted to go without us even realizing that was the direction we wanted. Dr. Jen assured me that this would be the best option for us in order to determine just exactly what should or shouldn't be done on the boys' birth day.

We are currently waiting for a call back from Children's Mercy to set up our series of tests for the twins. We are anxious to find out exactly what we need to know for October. All of that said, we find ourselves a little overwhelmed with emotion. It's hard to imagine that day just yet because it seems like it is going to be a total whirlwind. We just want to make sure that we make the right decisions and have no regrets. We don't want the situation with Peyton to overshadow Preston, and on the other hand we can't even begin to fathom what we will feel like if we lose Peyton. We try not to think about it too much and instead are just keeping faith that God will guide us in the direction we need to go. In the meantime, we will try to keep asking the right questions in order to keep ourselves educated so that we are able to make the best decisions possible for us.

In as soon as 9 weeks, we will be meeting our boys. It is going to go faster than we think! Time to start decorating the nursery and getting some clothes for these little guys. The nesting will begin soon too I am sure!

Thank you all for your continued support!

Love,
Nick, Ashley and Kaylee

In the blink of an eye. Everything can change. So forgive often and love with all your heart. You may never know when you may not have that chance again.

It's so crazy how life turns up. I remember 5 years ago at this time, planning for our wedding. At the time, the "theme" for our wedding was "Live the Life You Love, Love the Life You Live". This has been a saying that has become our family motto, honestly, since then. These words ring true now more than ever. 

I'm writing today, with no new update on the twins. I'm writing today, because we simply are overwhelmed by the amount of support that our family has received, from not only family and friends, but strangers and friends of friends (of friends:)). When our path changed a mere 11 weeks ago, we had no idea the impact that Peyton would have on people. We are humbled and honored by the outpouring of prayers from literally across the world. 

This week, Nick and I spent a lot of time talking about what's next. After talking with my cousin, Father Danny, we knew that we needed to make a few phone calls to start lining up how we would honor Peyton. I honestly find myself laughing at the situation sometimes. When making a phone call to a funeral home to talk about burying our child, I seriously feel like I'm in college or something, doing a research project. I even joked with the lady at the cemetery that I'll probably be calling her in October to say, just kidding! We get to take our baby home! All humor aside, we have determined that if we indeed do not get to take our son home, that we will have a funeral here in KC and have Peyton buried at Resurrection Cemetery. They have a beautiful area designated specifically for children where he will be buried. It's one of those things that we don't necessarily want to think about, much less talk about out loud, but we decided it would be much easier to have these conversations now, as opposed to later.

Of course the other big discussion that Nick and I needed to have this week was how I am going to deliver these babies. This part is pretty emotional for me. I think back to when we had Kaylee, and it was seriously the best experience. The delivery was a breeze and Nick and I had ample time to spend with Kaylee, nursing her, holding her and hearing her first cries. When I begin to think about all of the "what-ifs" for this pregnancy, my mind literally starts to spin. After a long discussion, at this point, I think we are leaning towards opting for a planned c-section. This is purely selfish on my part, because this is literally the only thing that I can control. 

There are a few things that are priorities for Nick and I when our boys enter this world. First and foremost, we want Kaylee to meet both of her brothers. We also want to make sure that Peyton is able to be baptized. My cousin has graciously offered to be there when Peyton is born to make sure that that is possible. We would also like our parents and siblings to have the opportunity to meet Peyton as well. And, we want to capture all of these moments through photographs so that someday, we can show Kaylee and Preston just how special of a day it was. The only way to guarantee that even some of these can happen is if we know "when" it will happen. At this point, after weighing all of our options, I think this is the best route for us to go.

We head back to both my OBGYN and our specialist next week to continue to monitor the progress that the boys are making. We have roughly 11 weeks left or so until we will be meeting our little miracles. 

Today, we choose to live with gratitude, for the love that fills our hearts, the peace that rests within our spirits, and the voice of hope that says... all things are possible.

much <3,

Nick, Ashley and Kaylee

 

 

Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if one remembers to turn on the light

The past month has been quite a month for our family. Full of happiness, full of family and friends, and full of change. One month ago, we moved to our beautiful new home. 3 weeks ago, we found out that Peyton might make it--- with signs of fluid! 2 weeks ago, we celebrated Kaylee's 2nd birthday with family and friends and gave Nick one heck of a surprise party for his 30th birthday. 1 week ago, we spent the entire weekend as a family of 3 (5), relaxing and enjoying the 4th of July holiday. It really has been a month full of excitement and happiness.

Yesterday, we headed back to our specialist, Dr. Wickstrom, to have another sonogram to determine if Peyton still had fluid or not. I can honestly say, that although we should have been prepared for the worst. We were not. We've been so focused on all of the good things going on in our life right now, that we honestly hadn't spent a lot of time thinking that our "good" news from 3 weeks ago would change. Until yesterday.

The sonogram went really well. For those of you that don't know. In a twin pregnancy, with sonograms, they always start with Baby A, and then move to Baby B. Preston, is A and Peyton is B. Preston is looking great! Moving around like crazy, we even saw him kicking his brother in the head several times. Nick and I couldn't help but laugh. He's growing literally on track, to the day. (I'll be 26 weeks tomorrow) He weighs 1 pound 13 ounces right now and is breech. A perfectly healthy baby boy.

By the time the sonographer had completed her measurements of Preston, I was literally exhausted. (45 minutes of looking at Preston). The anticipation of seeing Peyton was killing me. As the sonographer moved to Peyton, I felt a little relief. We weren't able to see his face right away because he was facing my back. But we could see all of his limbs-- his heart beating and him moving around too. In our last sonogram, they had expressed concern for scoliosis (curved spine). In this sonogram, we discovered that that was not the case. Peyton's spine is perfectly straight. I literally looked at Nick and said-- we've got this! If his spine is straight, that's amazing! They were also concerned about club feet. We weren't able to get a good look at Peyton's feet because of the way he was positioned, but I literally found myself saying-- that's something that can be fixed., he can live a happy healthy life too!

Now, I know that I should know better. After all, Nick and I had both said that we were not going to get our hopes up. But as parents, when you see firsthand all of these things that are so important for a healthy child, it's SO hard not to. Peyton is actually head down. Both he and Preston are laying with their heads next to each other. Peyton's stomach has shrunk considerably, but still has a small mass. He's weighing 1 pound 15 oz and is measuring about a week behind Preston. But, unfortunately, Peyton has almost zero fluid around his body. Thus, Peyton's lungs will not be able to develop correctly.

Honestly, Nick and I are both crushed. The pain and anxiety that have been building up over the past 10 weeks hit an all-time high. Dr. Wickstrom explained that we were back to where we were before 3 weeks ago. That Peyton will likely make it to birth, but will not survive past that.

No parent should ever have to go through this. Ever. It just doesn't seem fair. We still find ourselves caught in a fog. Finding it near impossible to believe that our son is actually going to die. Really? Is this how life is supposed to be? You live your whole life, feeling nearly invincible and suddenly you find it hard for even yourself to breath.

We are clinging to our faith right now. Of course, praying praying praying for a miracle for Peyton.

Today, is a new day. Today we begin the process of figuring our what's next. Focusing on a healthy Preston, and planning for how we can make Peyton more than just a memory.

Please continue to pray for us. Pray for strength as we have the tough conversations of burying our child. Pray for strength to celebrate BOTH of our twins. Pray for strength that we are strong for Kaylee. We can use all the prayers we can get right now.

Love,
Nick, Ashley & Kaylee

Here are a few pictures of Peyton and Preston:

Babies' heads together. Preston is on the left. Peyton is on the right.

 Peyton - profile pic

 Preston - profile pic

Preston's foot